Page 47 of A Conduit of Light
Shewasn’t aware shehada look on her face.
“Thenext question is, what do we do with this discovery?Dowe continue your lessons inCosensianMagic?Dowe explore your connection to theBlightfurther, hoping for some better glimpse into how to destroy it?Thisis what theBaronandIhave been discussing for the past few hours while you got some much needed rest here.”
“Thankyou,” she whispered, watching him pace. “Fornot telling him about whatIdid.”
“Ash,” his voice came in a rough whisper, exasperated and heavy. “Youdo not have to be afraid of your gifts.Notaround me.Neverwith me.Isee that look you’re giving me.I’veseen it more times thanI’dlike.Isee you doubt, wondering who you can trust, wondering about your future here.”Hemoved back to the black chair, pulling hers closer. “BecauseIknow you think of your future.Iknow you must be tormented, unsure of your fate, having all of it lie in someone else’s hands, someone else’s decisions.”
Hissigh was weighing, his eyes a swirling mass of black and blue. “BaronHeimlenwill be dead by winter.Thereis no doubt in my mind.Hishealth is fading quickly.Andso, he is hard on you.Heknows what’s at stake, what kind of legacy he will leave behind if he fails to stop theBlight.Heis a good man.Hewants to stop the death, but he cannot always see the light on the other side, nor what sacrifices he asks of me…of you.”
Shereached out to touch his hand, and he took hers in both of his with one swift motion, as if needing only that small gesture to go on.
“Ihave seen you come alive here,Ash.Whenyou arrived, you were hurting, torn from the life you knew, andIam sorry for that sacrifice you made unwillingly.ButIwill be the soleBaronhere in two season’s time, andIwill not force any more from you.Ifyou help us with theBlight, if you do all you can to stop it or even just hinder its growth in some way, you may leave.”
Shegasped and narrowed her eyes. “Youmean…Icould go?Beforeall the training is done and before the conduit trials?You’dlet me just leave?”
“Iwould,Ash.Isee your desire for freedom.Iwant you to make your own choices, butIdo believe in you.Ibelieve you want to seeFelgrenthrive just as we all do.So, when you have done what you can, you may go if you wish.”
Sheshook her head slightly and stared into his eyes, watching as they turned glassy.Hetook her other hand as well and squeezed, swallowing hard. “Sogo.Begreat.Behappy and fulfilled.Butknow this,Ash’Arah—if you leave, you leave a stain.Ihave scoured andIhave scrubbed untilIhave little feeling left, yet thoughts of you remain.Sincethe day you arrived, you have not left my thoughts, andIcannot seem to distance my soul from yours.Ihave accepted it, andIsee it not as a loss, but as an answer to the questionIdidn’t realizeIwas seeking.
“Itell you this not to coerce you, but to steady my own feet.Andyes,Iam selfish for it.Lastnight you gave me hope, butIsee now thatIwas looking for it so desperately,Idid not stop to wonder if you felt more than…than desire.ButIcannot let you make your choice to stay or go without knowing the futureIcan see.ThefutureIwould choose if it was solely up to me.”Hetrembled, holding onto her still. “Ourfuture together if you would let me love you.”
Shecouldn’t move.
Shecouldn’t speak.
Ifyou would let me love you.
Hiswords rang in her ears.Wasit that simple?Allshe had to do was commit and let go and she’d be loved by this man?Shewasn’t allowed to give her heart.Shewasn’tmeantto love, or so she had been told.
Shehad been told many things.
Shehad been ordered where to go, what to do with her life—even now she still held little power.
Butthe choice he offered…was it really a choice at all?
Confusionand frustration tore through her body, clawing at the surface and no longer able to dismiss them, she stood. “Andyet, you would use me, just asBaronHeimlendoes now?Whatif we destroyed theBlightand it came back?WouldIstill be free to go then?Willthat always be a contingency in your offer of a choice,Revich?”
“That’snot fair.”
“Ofcourse it’s not fair.Noneof this isfair.Ihave spent my entire life in the service of others.Thepurpose of my life—of my future—has never been my own, and yet, you come to me asking for my help, giving me a reason to stay, but letting me have the choice to go?Howcould you be such a contradiction?Howcould you sit before me offering to love me, offering to give me a choice in a future together whenIhave been told time and again thatImust guard my heart completely?ThatImust keep myself hidden from the world, only needing myself, myowncompany.Youcannot just rip those words away from me.Youcannot sit there and confess the very thingsIhave been wanting you to confess.Thevery thingsIwould lose myself to with another flash of yourstupidsmile.”
Sheswallowed back the tears, struggling to keep herself together, to keep herself from falling apart into the warmth of his chest.Shesunk back down into the chair, shaking her head. “Yourwords tell me it was all for nothing then.Theloneliness, the self-preservationIhave forced myself to learn…the pain of knowingIcould never havethis.Icould never have what you offer…it was all for nothing.”
Hewas kneeling before her then, his hands holding onto her face. “Itled me to you.Yourlife before led my heart to you andIwill never see that as nothing.Youhave become who you are because of it and not ever wouldIcall that nothing.Igot to touch you, and hold you, to kiss your lips as they are the very part of the soul my heart resides in, andIwould never once utter words to counter that.Iloveyou.Youcan accept what you were told, you can choose to walk away, you can continue to guard your heart, but you cannot go through your life thinking no one has loved you.Thinkingno one has seen your soul, becauseIhave.Isee it,Ash.AndIlove you for it.”
Hekissed the top of her eyes as she closed them, tears running down her face, all fight from her gone.Thechance of locking her heart in the cage she had made for it was gone.
Allthose words of longing for a choice, and yet she found she had none.
Shehad fallen, irrevocably fallen.
“Iloveyou,” he repeated. “Thesewords are yours.Andthey are wordsIwill speak forever until the dayIam forced to stop.”
Sheopened her eyes, her lashes wet and heavy, staring into his.Theywere the clearest she had ever seen, the color of a calm sea just before the sun keeps her promise to the world and rises once again.
Sheleaned into his kiss, his lips soft and slow in a question which she returned with her answer.Shepressed harder into his mouth, coaxing it to open so that she could feel the full warmth of his tongue on hers.Sheslid her hands up into his hair as he wound his arms around her waist, pulling their bodies close, their hearts pounding, yearning for something more.
Hepulled her to her feet and she did not hesitate, moving her mouth along his chin, his jaw, his neck, slightly rough—the prickly feel delighting her.
