Page 90 of Love, Nemesis
What memory?
The memory they’d have to dive into.
Ah. That.
“The Burning of the Strike,” he said.
He’d have to go back to where it all ended.
Chapter 24: The Crucible
JASPER RODE UP beside Ana. She’d been waiting on a hill with a view of the Mystic war encampment nestled within a nearby valley.
“I mailed the letters to the borders and the capital,” he said, following beside her as she turned her horse toward the camp. “They’re far out, but it’s better than nothing.”
There was no outward indication of culture. The design spoke of Ares’s intellect with muddy brown tents and borrowed State caravans that would make the war camp look like nothing more than a drab festival.
“Anything stick out while I was gone?” Jasper said, both of them watching the encampment below.
“Ana?” he prodded.
Ana nodded before glancing down at her hands and then back at him. “They’re blending in well from what I can see at this distance. The supply wagons are down to the far left by those barrels. They shouldn’t be hard for you to torch, especially if I distract them. The trick will be not getting caught.” She exhaled.
“All right. Let’s go,” Jasper replied, a steeliness in his voice that felt unusual to her. He was affirmed, closed off, determined, in a way that was unlike him.
She felt the subtle pangs of guilt, knowing his behavior was characteristic of him forcing himself into something he feltconflicted about. She’d accepted a death out here on the battlefield, a death for the State. Not only had he hated the idea for her, but she could only imagine how he now felt about that idea for himself. Ever since she’d spent fifty years of her life, Jasper’s charisma for their shared mission had dwindled.
He’d seemed to lose all but complete interest in the mission their group had once fought for. They’d wanted the State to mean something to the world. The State had seemed like the only force demanding that The Ocean be fought, not hidden from or worshipped.
It wasn’t perfect, but Ana was determined to chase that light with everything in her. Of all the questions in her brain, that was the one she’d never had to answer any differently. The others in their early friend group, Diane and Rule, had wonderful dreams of what the State could become. When Hailey had been elected, they’d all been sent to defend the borders. Ana hadn’t realized until then how much Jasper needed the entire group to feel connected to their mission.
Watching him now, she saw with more clarity than ever that she too had become something for him to believe in. It seemed so unfounded.
They rode deeper into the cover of the trees, scouting out a clearing and setting up camp. Jasper dug through his things and removed a change of clothes he’d bought in town and black dye. He unscrewed it, then worked it through his hair with the tips of his fingers. Ana helped him to speed the process along, pouring the ink into her hands and moving it through his hair in the areas he’d missed.
He said nothing to her.
“I’m sorry,” she said after a while. “I know this isn’t what you wanted.”
Jasper didn’t speak for a long time. She didn’t try and peel through his silence. He deserved to keep whatever silence he wanted.
She capped the dye when his hair was done and set it down beside him. The woods were quiet around them. She sat down a few feet away, hesitating for a moment to look up at his face.
When she did, he was looking right at her, suffering in his eyes.
“You aren’t responsible for my choices,” he said, but she couldn’t help but feel he knew that to some extent he was lying.
Did some part of him blame her for this predicament they were in?
She pushed away the creeping doubt as she looked at the black ink on her fingers and what remained of Ares’s paint on her palm. She tried to rub some off her fingertips, but the ink held fast and dark. She hadn’t protected her hands like Jasper had, delaying any attempt to wash them when Jasper had worn gloves and been quick to wash.
“You’ve always lived with a conviction to protect the State. It’s who you are,” Jasper said. “We followed you. That’s an idea that’s easy to follow, but it all has to come to an end. The good. The bad. When it does, I’ll be there. I’ll be there doing whatever I can to help you, even if you hate me for it.”
Jasper’s profession lingered between them.
“I don’t deserve this,” Ana said, looking into his eyes. “We both know that. If you get out of this, I hope—” She stopped.
What did she hope? She looked down at the grass. The same thing she always had, that he’d be happy, find his place in the world.
