Page 53 of Finding Her
“But he has no idea what he’s talking about when it comes to raising kids.”
My mouth went dry and I kept my gaze fixed on a far point to avoid having to look at him. This was different than how anybody else’s speeches about my dad had gone and I wasn’t sure how to react, exactly. I couldn’t agree, could I? I mean, he was my dad. He raised me. He had done well… Hadn’t he?
But then I thought back over the last few years. The way that I’d been so scared to go after what I wanted, all because it would upset him. I couldn’t reject Claire because he would be angry. I couldn’t pick the classes I wanted because they weren’t the ones he wanted for me. I couldn’t consider any universities other than the ones he’d pre-selected, because the hockey team was what mattered more than anything. I had to forego everything good in my life because the only way he would be happy was if I cared about nothing but hockey. And I’d done it all without protest because I didn’t know what else to do.
“He’s my dad,” I said, my voice hoarse. “I can’t say no to him.”
“Yes, you can. And today you did,” he said. I let out a ragged breath. “Let me tell you something about parents, Barrett. They all want what they think is best for their kids. But sometimes, what they think is best doesn’t line up with what is actually best for the child.”
“He says wants are just temporary,” I muttered. “That I’m a teenager and don’t know what I need, so he had o help guide me.”
Coach snorted—not in a humorous way, but in a way that made it clear he thought that was the most idiotic thing he’d ever heard.
“You know what I think?” He said. “I think that it’s just an excuse to stop your kid from having a single ounce of independence. He thinks of you like you’re still a young kid, but you’re almost eighteen, Barrett. You’re going off to college next year. If you’re not ready to make your own decisions, then I would be very concerned.”
“So you don’t agree with him then?” I asked. “Not even in general, but aboutme. You think I know what I’m doing?”
He regarded me carefully and then asked, “Do you feel like you know what you’re doing?”
What a loaded question. I had no idea. Without my father’s whispering in the back of my head, did I know what my life was? Did I know where I was going or what I wanted to make myself? I wasn’t sure. I knew that I was going to graduate high school. I knew that I was going to leave for college next year. But everything I thought I knew—about what college I was going to pick, what I would major in, what my life would be beyond it—had gone up in flames.
“Do I really need to have it all figured out now?” I asked. “Do I need to know everything?”
Coach’s eyes softened in a way I’d seen before.
“You know, Barrett,” he said. “Sometimes when I look at you boys, it’s easy to forget just how young you are.”
“You just said I was old,” I protested weakly.
“I said your father views you as younger than you really are,” he said. “But you’re far from old. And I know, I know, you feel like you know everything in the world. Let me tell you something, Barrett—it’s not true. You’re doing well for your age, but seventeen is young. You still so much life ahead of you. So yeah, it’s okay if you don’t know everything now. There’s no reason for you to need to know. The important thing is that you don’t feel like you’re drowning in those decisions and feeling like you don’t know where to turn.”
“What happens if I do?” I asked. Because I’d never had my life this open to me before—and I had no idea what it would feel like to be the one in control, but I didn’t have any illusions that it would be that easy.
He smiled. “Then you ask somebody.”
And just like that, the rest of the knot in my chest unwound. I’d always had this vision of when I finally stood up to my father, said no to Claire, and let the consequences roll out as they did that I would be on my own. I knew he wouldn’t want to help me anymore and I would have to figure it out—it was why I knew I planned on waiting until later, once I was in college and had my life sorted more than I did now. But it hadn’t even occurred to me that there were other people in my corner. People like Coach, who’d do anything to help me succeed.
“Now,” Coach said, yawning widely,””I have a pregnant wife to get home to. And I believe that girl is here for you.”
I frowned, not following what he was saying, until I looked up at the entrance to the rink and saw Poppy standing there. She was still dressed in the sweats and long-sleeve Hartwell shirt that she’d been wearing when she’d left the rink, but her longbrown hair was down and flowing around her shoulders now, and she was holding something in her hands that I couldn’t make out from this distance.
“Thanks, Coach,” I said, getting to my feet. He stood up as well and grabbed my hand in a firm handshake.
“You’re gonna go far in life, Barrett,” he said. “And it doesn’t matter if that’s the NHL or some corporate job. Whatever you do, you’re gonna be fine.”
I took in a sharp breath and nodded, feeling relief for the first time. I would figure it out. And that was enough.
I let Coach walk out first, and then I held open my arms and waited for Poppy to come running into them. She didn’t disappoint as she came flying down the stairs and jumped into my arms.
“You’re okay?” she asked as I put her down. She looked at me with cautious eyes, ran a thumb along my cheek.
“I’m okay. I promise.” Now that she was standing in front of me, I could see what she had in her hands: a small brown teddy bear with a yellow ribbon tied in a bow around its neck. And just like every time I saw a new side to Poppy, I felt my heart soften just a little bit more. “Is that for me?”
“Oh, yeah,” she said, grinning softly. “I figured that when you’re upset, people always get you teddy bears, right? Or maybe that’s just a thing with kids…” She trailed off, biting her lip, but then she shook her head. “Anyway, I was out in the hall and I saw that tiny arcade they have at the front of the building—did you know about that?”
I held back a laugh. “Yes, I know about it.”
It could barely even be called an arcade. It was just an alcove with three games, mostly there for kids who were bored during any of the games, while the parents wanted to watch their older kids play.
