Page 48 of Finding Her
Bear finally turned around and though he still looked upset, he didn’t look nearly as murderous as he had when he’d walked off. Maybe he was understanding.
“Why are you here, Poppy?” He asked. “Why did you follow me?”
For a second, I didn’t understand what he meant by the question. Why had I followed him? Because he was upset and I wanted to make sure he was okay. But as I stared at him, trying to formulate some answer that wasn’t idiotic, I realized that no, it ran deeper than that. If all of this was just about the bet, I would have followed him to make sure I could count this as a real win. Just because Claire had said it like that didn’t make it true. Bear and I had kissed, but he hadn’t actually asked me out. And with the clear terms of the bet, I knew Claire would turn that into something else.
But I didn’t care about the bet. I didn’t care about the technicalities or winning that stupid hundred dollars or the bragging rights I was sure were meant to be included in all of this. What I cared was him. What I wanted, more than anything, was to make sure that this wasn’t how I would lose him.
“Because…” I said. I wiped some rain out of my eyes as I thought of the best way to say it. “Because I used to think everything in life was temporary.”
His face cleared, ever so slightly, and I wondered if he knew what I was saying. What a privilege it would be to have someone in my life who could understand me so well. Until now, whenever I moved away, I’d let go of the hope that I could stay in touch. Like I told him, it was the only way not to live in a perpetual state of disappointment. And after a couple moves, it stopped bothering me at all. I was used to letting go. I was used to losing people. I figured that as long as I still had my family, itwas something that I could manage. But now that the potential of this loss was staring me in the face, I knew that I couldn’t survive it this time. If he left me right now, I would break.
“I used to think,” I continued, “that I should never expect anything to last forever.”
Bear took a step toward me. “But now?”
“But now…” I stepped forward as well, resisting the urge to brush my hand across his cheek. I knew he would flinch away and I knew that would break my heart. That it already was. “Now, I know that there is one thing that lasts forever.”
It was Bear who broke eye contact first, looking away.
“You won’t want me anymore,” he said. “Once you get me. Once I graduate. You’re gonna forget about me. Why bother prolonging the inevitable?”
“No, I won’t,” I whispered, my voice even and sure. It wasn’t a guess. It wasn’t me making an empty promise like I had to all those friends who I’d sworn I’d stay in touch with. This was real and raw and true. “IwishI could forget you. I wish that it was that easy.”
Bear’s breathing quickened and I felt like he was moving toward me. Or was I moving closer to him? The whole world was spinning around me and I had no sense of what was happening anymore—only that Bear was in front of me and I desperately needed him to know how I felt.
“I wish I could tell myself that after you graduate, I’ll forget about you,” I said, my voice cracking on the words. “I wish I could Bear, because that would be easier. But…” My heart was pounding in my chest and suddenly he was right in front of me and my hands were on him again, just desperate to feel him there. Desperate to know that he was still in front of me, that I hadn’t lost him yet. “I’ve had to say goodbye to hundreds of friends in my life and not one of them has ever held a place in mymind like you. If we say goodbye… I won’t just be losing you, I’ll be losing half my heart too.”
It was like I could see his walls crumbling before my eyes, see the way his stony facade was slipping off leading to something softer, more beautiful underneath. But I couldn’t stop talking. Not until I knew that he understood.
“I love you Bear,” I whispered. Our faces were inches apart. His breath tickled my cheek. All I would have to do was move a millimetre to the left and our mouths would touch. Did he want me to? Would he ever kiss me again? “And I understand if you can’t get past this but I had to say it. Because if I didn’t I’d spend the rest of my life wondering what could have happened if I had just followed you out tonight.”
“If nobody else knew about us…” He murmured. “If we never told anyone and you didn’t win this bet…”
“I don’t care. I would hide it forever if you wanted. All I ever wanted was you.”
In the blink of an eye, I went from imagining his touch to having his lips on mine and his hands tangling in my hair. We stumbled backwards, until my back was pressed into the railing over the bridge, the half-rotted wood the only thing keeping us from falling straight into the lake.
But I barely even noticed—because all I could see was him.
CHAPTER 32
bear
“Have you ever been skating before?”I asked, looping the laces and pulling them snug.
She tilted her head, her brow furrowing in thought. “Maybe when I was, like, five? There’s this vague memory of a tiny rink at the mall and falling on my butt, but if it actually happened, I’ve blocked it out. Definitely not my thing.”
I smirked. “I find that hard to believe. How could anyone not be into hockey?”
She gave me a look, folding her arms. “Well, not all of us grew up worshipping frozen water.”
“Blasphemy,” I said under my breath, reaching for her other skate. “But don’t worry—I bet you’re gonna be a natural.”
“Doubtful.” She sighed, brushing her hair out of her face. “Even if I have some beginner’s luck, I’m still gonna look like a total idiot next to you. You were practically born on skates.”
I grinned, finishing the laces and standing up. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
She rolled her eyes but took my hand when I held it out, letting me pull her to her feet. The second she stood, her knees wobbled, and she clutched my arm like her life depended on it.
