Page 46 of Finding Her
He frowned. “I didn’tmind, I just…” He shook his head. “Are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
No. No I’m not okay and I’m never going to be okay again because you love Claire and not me.
“You just seem… off.”
“Well, I’m not,” I mumbled. It was the most juvenile response I could have come up with and I hated myself a little so saying it, but what else was there to say? He wanted Claire. He would always want Claire. What difference did he make what I made him think of me now?
“Okay,” Bear said slowly, confusion laced in his voice. “Well, I ran into Tracey and she said we’d be having breakfast soon. I was wondering if you wanted to eat together.”
“Are you sureClairewon’t mind you hanging around with me?” My voice was laced with bitterness that I’d never known I could possess until now. Was this what jealousy did to a person? Made them feel so out of control of themselves?
“What does Claire have to do with this?” Bear asked, his voice hardening.
“You tell me,” I snapped.
He raised his eyebrows. “What is going on with you today? Was it Claire, did she say something to?—”
“It wasn’t Claire, it was Mia,” I interrupted. I raised my eyebrows. “Remember her? Yourgirlfriend’slittle sister? Funny you never mentioned her before.”
I hated myself for all the words coming out of my mouth but I couldn’t stop saying them. Even if Bear had never asked me out, never said he wanted me, he had given me every indication thatthis was something to him. How could he never think of Claire in that time? How could he never mention to me that it was her he was always going to end up with?
“What girlfriend?” Bear asked. He didn’t quite yell but he raised his voice enough that it echoed across the lake. “Claire? Because she is not?—”
“Mia told me you that you love her!” Now I was yelling and tears were springing up in my eyes, and suddenly, I wished I’d never come on this stupid camping trip. “That you might mess around but it will always be Claire! And now I’m standing here like an idiot because I thought you might like me but?—”
“I don’t,” he said. I hated that even now, even as he was rejecting me, that deep voice made me weak in the knees.
“You don’t like me?” I asked, my voice broken even though I knew it was coming. Even though I knew Mia had to be right, because that was hersister. Of course she knew what was going on here better than I did. It was no wonder Claire had made this bet—she knew that no matter what happened, she’d already won.
“I don’t love her,” Bear said.Oh. “I can’t love her, because I love someone else.”
Well, that wasn’t much better.
“Who?” I asked, my voice almost a scream. It was pathetic how much I was fighting him right now, how much I wanted to know the name of the girl who had stolen his heart from me. Whatever he said next would break me into a thousand pieces, but I couldn’t stand to not know. “Who do you?—”
His lips crashed onto mine, cutting off the end of the question. It wasn’t a kiss like the ones I’d seen on TV and dreamed about for years. There was no movie magic here—only raw emotion and desperation, like he didn’t know if he was right to be kissing me, but he couldn’t stop himself anyway. At first, I froze, my mind and body struggling to catch up with what washappening. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. All I could do was collapse into the boy in front of me.
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me up when I thought I might fall. And then my hands found their way to his shoulders, clutching at him like he was the only solid thing in a world that had tilted off its axis. His lips moved against mine, hesitant at first, like he was waiting for me to push him away. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Instead, I kissed him back, pouring every unanswered question, every piece of my shattered heart into the moment.
He didn’t loveher.
He didn’t love anyone else.
When Bear finally pulled back from the kiss, giving me a chance to catch up breath, he barely even pulled his face away from mine. I was reminded of that day in the closet, when we’d been standing so close that I’d wondered what it would have been like to just go for it. To lean in and kiss him, as reckless as it would have been. Now, standing with him here, I was both so happy and sad that I hadn’t. Because this was perfect. But I knew I could only have so many kisses with this boy before fate pulled us apart, and if I’d kissed him in the closet, then maybe I would have gotten a few more.
He pulled back, his hand still woven into my hair and his eyes wild but focused on mine. “You.”
CHAPTER 31
poppy
The drivingof the bus ride home was even worse than the bus ride to the camp, but I barely even noticed because I was glowing from having Bear by my side. He kept his arm around me for the whole trip and let me use his shoulder as a pillow, even though the muscle mass on his body meant it was the hardest pillow in the world.
When we got to school, it was pouring buckets outside and I hung back under the overhang while Bear pushed his way through the crowd to get to our bags which were being stored under the bus. I zipped up my sweater—actually, it was his, that he’d given me on the bus when he’d seen how I was shivering—and crossed my arms over my chest as the wind whipped by, dreaming of my warm bed in my dorm. Maybe Bear and I could make some hot chocolate and curl up to watch a movie together.
“Poppy!” A sickly sweet voice called. I didn’t need to turn to know that it was Claire. I tried to give her the benefit the doubt in thinking that she was here to see her sister, instead of coming after Bear, who had made it extremely clear to me that he wasn’t interested in her and she knew it, but I had a sinking feeling in my gut that she was here for him and she wouldn’t be letting himout of her clutches too soon. She appeared before me a second later, Mia in tow right behind her. “How was the trip?”
