Page 64 of All In
“Guilt will eat you alive if you let it. Trust me, I know.” He’s right. I know he’s right.
C and I sit in silence, the weight of our emotions palpable, as I can’t tear my eyes away from the picture, for some unknown reason. Memories of our life together play on a loop in my head. Meeting her at the brewery, the proposal and ceremony, then retracing the steps of our marriage, trying to pinpoint what went wrong. And when? What could I have done differently? Would Mikey have his mom if I made better choices?
I’ll never know. And the not knowing is the worst.
“Are you going to stay here?” C asks, ripping me from my thoughts.
As I glance down, my eyes zero in on the unsightly wine stain, a reminder of that night. “Nope.”
“Your room is still free. If you’re interested. Jasmine and I could help with Mikey until you find a place. We will set it up and make it kid-friendly. Whatever you need.”
Like I said. Family.
I turn to take in my friend who has been there for me ever since I walked into Dexter’s late on a Friday night, spilling my guts about Maria. “Thanks, man. Tonight too soon?”
“Nope.” He smacks my knee as he stands up. “Take your time packing.” He walks back toward Mikey’s room, and a few minutes later, he and Jasmine appear. I stand and hug them both, grateful for their friendship.
“I’m going to let Mikey sleep. Plus, my mom, sisters, and Ricky will be back soon. I’m sure they will help with packing up some things. We will be there in a few hours.”
Jasmine hugs me again. “No rush, okay. We will be there waiting.”
I release my grip, and Jasmine exits the house, making her way towards their car parked outside. Big C stands there staring at me, concern etched on his furrowed brow. “I’m fine,” I reassure him. “We’ll be there soon. I just need to take care of a few things first.” He nods in silence as he brings me in for a hug, slapping me on the back.
“Don’t be long.” He releases his hold on me, then follows his wife.
“Thanks, man.”
As I close the door with a gentle click, the void within the house becomes huge.
I know what needs to happen next.
On heavy feet, I trudge over to the computer, turning it on. With a quick login, I find myself staring at my inbox, hesitating for only a moment before my fingers start typing.
Date: February 8, 2007 4:11pm
From: [email protected]
Subject: This is it
Maria,
Erica died. I don’t want to get into specifics but, it was due to her drinking. I know what you’re thinking and what’s going through your head. And to answer your question, no, I’m not okay.
Maria, as much as I love our emails, I can’t write to you anymore. Erica found our letters the night before she died. She got drunk because of it and well, the rest is too painful to talk about. She was really hurt.
I was selfish to continue to write to you while I was married to her. And please, don’t blame yourself. I was the one that started this go around.
I am a single father now and that is where my focus needs to be. I am all the family Mikey has here. I can’t be distracted by my feelings for you, or wondering when your next email will come.
Please don’t be upset with me and please don’t respond.
Yours, Sam
I hit send and immediately wonder if it was too harsh. But this is how it has to be.
My days of being selfish are over. My one and only focus needs to be on Mikey. He’s all I have left of Erica. And she left me the best part of herself.
