Page 54 of All In
Sorry it’s been a couple of months since I’ve written. Things have been kinda crazy around here. Nothing bad in particular, just life, ya know. Nate has been very stressed out at work and he’s been a bear to be around, so I’m trying hard to just keep him happy. Finally, things have started to settle down, so here I am. Then Brielle got really sick with a summer cold that turned into a horrible upper respiratory thing. It took weeks for her to get better. The scariest few weeks of my life. You just wait and see! Speaking of which….
Congrats on the baby news! I’m really happy for you, Sam. I have no doubt that you will be an amazing father. I mean, just seeing you hold Brielle told me that. Plus, you’re well…you.
How has Erica been feeling? I had the worst morning sickness. And it lasted way more than three months and was definitely not just in the morning. It was horrible. So I hope Erica is fairing better.
I’m sorry to hear about her drinking and I truly hope that she is holding onto her promise. The life of your unborn baby is in her hands. She’s growing a human, your human, and that needs to be taken seriously. So please keep on with her about that. I would hate for anything to happen.
So you talked at the park about your PhD program. How soon until you are done? That has to be coming up, right? I really wish Nate would allow me to work. I miss having a sense of purpose and something to call mine. Not that being Brielle’s mom isn’t the best most rewarding job in the world, but I need to step away from time to time. Maybe I’ll talk to Nate about it again. I really hope he lets me.
Anyway, write soon. This email thing is great so far. I love having you back in my life again.
Love, Maria
Date: December 27, 2004 7:04am
From: [email protected]
Subject: How are you?
Maria,
So, just like my subject line says, how are you? Things here have been good. Erica is 6 months along now, which is hard to believe. So far, and from what I can tell, she has been true to her promise and not drinking. But you are the only one that I have confessed this to, I worry. A lot because I just don’t trust her. I hate even thinking that she would be capable of drinking while growing our child. I honestly can’t think about it anymore.
To answer your question, I should have my official PhD in 6 months. Things are going to be very hectic around here, let me tell you. I’m in the final workings of my dissertation and that has been keeping me busy. Add in being a new parent and things are going to be tough.
I hope that you were able to get a job or find something that is just for you. Maria, stop putting everyone else ahead of yourself. And I know, of course Brielle needs her mom. That’s not what I meant. What I mean is, you will never be the mom Brielle needs if you hide your true self from the world. Because the woman that was all dressed up in those ridiculous clothes and pushing that pretentious stroller was not—is not—you. If Nate can’t see that, well, maybe you need to show him. And maybe it’s time that he accepts it. Don’t change forhim. Or anyone. Not even me. I can’t write about it too much because I will get upset. All I know is this, if you were my wife, I would want you to be just…you. There’s no one better. Just my two cents. Sometimes I just want to ask you why are you with him?
Anyway, write soon.
Yours, Sam
P.S. I’ve been waiting 6 months to say that to you. Please don’t be mad.
Date: April 27, 2005 11:42am
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: How are you?
Sam,
Hey! It’s me! I know, I know … I took forever to respond again. And it’s not because I am mad at you. Far from it. I need to hear stuff like that. It’s just hard to talk about it, especially with you. I wish you would take the time to hear me and understand.
I’ll let you know a few things about Nate and me. He is controlling. I am told what to wear (we’ve already established this), what Brielle has to wear, what to make for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (because GOD forbid I put on even one pound of weight), who I can hang out with, where we vacation, and finally when we are having our next kid. He wants to start trying. My whole life and existence is in his hands.
I am grossly unhappy; I hate myself for walking out of the shed that day. Because deep down I know that my life would have turned out so much different. The life I would have had with you.
But my hands are tied. Just know and accept that they are. And you asked me why I’m with him. You know why. It’s my dad. And now it’s Brielle. I feel trapped and sometimes like a caged animal. I can’t believe I am in a similar relationship that I was in with Chad. And it’s all my fault.
I could ask you the same thing though Sam. Why are you with someone who, more than likely, drank while pregnant and is an alcoholic? Why Sam?
Love, Maria
P.S. Did Erica have the baby? Is everything ok?
