Page 96 of All In
I avert my eyes, unable to watch as she opens the car door and steps out. It slams shut, causing me to flinch. She confidently strides in front of my car, her shoes crunching against the pavement. As she marches back to her car, her blonde hair catches the gentle morning light. Without a glance in my direction, she gets into her car and drives off, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I rest my head back on the seat as a burst of anger fills my chest. In a fit of rage, I pound on the steering wheel and scream, the intensity of my emotions finally breaking free.
I should have never opened up this can of worms with her. The consequences of stopping to talk to her that day are present in my mind. She wouldn’t have known I was so close and been none the wiser.
Ignorance is bliss. I realize that now. The only thing I’ve accomplished is hurting her.
At the same time, I understand the importance of moving on and embracing new beginnings. I can’t take the chance of Maria hurting me again.
I don’t trust her. And I won’t be able to forgive her until I feel I can trust her again. When will that be?
No clue. And now, after this … I’ll never know.
Also, I have Mikey to think about. There is no way I can introduce him to her, and then she decides to leave me for someone else. Because, without a doubt, I know my son would fall in love with Maria.
He is my son, after all.
I refocus my thinking and decide to forge ahead.Maria is my past. Cara is my future.
Without warning, my mom’s thoughts from that visit home years ago pop into my head. Am I doing it again? Running in the opposite direction of what I want to avoid the hurt? To avoid dealing with what is really plaguing me? And then, in turn, sacrificing my happiness?
Probably.
But I can’t psychoanalyze myself right now. I’ve made my decision, whatever the reason, and I have to follow through. I round my shoulders and reach around to grab my bag from the backseat. When I do, the light catches on something resting on the passenger seat.
Her watch. My watch.Ourwatch.
She left behind the watch I gave her at graduation. She promised me that day she would always wear it. And she did. Every time I have seen her since, she was wearing it.
Until today.
With a shaking hand, I pick it up, the metal still warm from her wrist. I study it, feeling its smooth texture as I roll it in my hand. I stop and purposely flip it over, the inscription staring back at me. Words I felt at the time.
They are just words. But they aremywords. To her.
Yours, Sam.
I honestly don’t know what to do with it. This is a chaotic mess that leaves me feeling lost. How do I feel about her leaving it behind? Hurt? Is this closure? Am I happy?
I have no clue. These conflicting emotions are doing a number on me, and it’s all so complicated.
Complicated. That’s what my feelings are toward Maria. And maybe they always will be. There’s no making sense of this situation. No matter how hard we try, our relationship is muddy.
A big muddy mess.
Not wanting to deal with this right now, I open the glove compartment and toss the watch in, slamming it shut.
Shutting the door on my past.
I shake my head vigorously and rub my hands over my face, attempting to make sense of the whirlwind my life has become. I open the car door and step out.Why does this hurt so badly?The heaviness in my heart is overwhelming, and I must find peace and remind myself that this was the best decision for me.
And I know just how to do that.
I get my phone from my back pocket and open up my messages, finding my and Cara’s text thread. I focus my attention on the screen, typing out a text.
Me: Hey gorgeous. Have a great day today. Dinner tonight?
I hit send, satisfied with myself. The prospect of tonight already stirring something inside of me.
