Page 52 of All In
Vodka. I knew it.
While placing it back, I consider discarding it. But then she would know that I discovered it, and I need to proceed with caution. Our marriage may not be what it was in the beginning, but I care deeply for her, and I want her to know that I am on her side and want to help.
I tip-toe over to my side of the bed and get in, the mattress sinking in with my weight as I turn to face my wife. The sudden movement jolts her awake, and she slowly opens her eyes. “Hey,” she whispers, “when did you get in?” As she leans in closer, her warm breath skates against my skin before I plant a gentle kiss on her lips. As I breathe in, I detect the unmistakable odor of alcohol.
“Just now. Did you and Mom have fun?” I ask, trying not to let my disgust and disappointment show.
She nods. “We did. After she went to bed, I got a cab and went to Dexter’s to hang out. That place is great.”
I stare into my wife’s eyes, and they are glassy and lacking focus. Drunk eyes. Sad to say, I have seen them in her more and more lately.
“Hey, I forgot to ask you. Am I the first girl you’ve ever had in this bed?” She slurs her words and shimmies her body to get closer to me.
I bark out a laugh. “Why are you asking me that?”
She shrugs her bare shoulder. “Oh, I don’t know. Just wondering if Maria was ever in here.”
“Of course, Maria has been in my childhood bedroom.”
She rolls her eyes. “You know what I mean. Has she ever sharedthisbed with you?” she asks as she bites her lower lip, waiting for my answer. An answer I will not give her tonight and risk a fight.
“It doesn’t matter, sweetie. That’s my past.” I need to say it out loud to convince myself more than her. “It’s late. Go back to sleep.”
I move my hand to her face, caressing her soft cheek. I could always count on this woman to go above and beyond for me. Our marriage is happy, and I’m content. But none of that means it’s working. Something has changed along the way. And I know what it is.
Her drinking.
I look into her eyes and search for a glimpse of what I see and feel when I look at Maria. But it’s not there. I know that after I moved to Atlanta and tried to move on, I said I was fine. But after spending time with Maria today, I know the truth of the matter.
It’s like Erica is a placeholder. I realize that sounds harsher than it should. I love Erica in my own way … but she isn’t Maria.
Being with Maria today, one thing became glaringly clear: I will always love her. And I shouldn’t. I know that. It’s not right. I mean, our attraction should have faded over time. So then why does it feel more powerful?
And look, I am a good guy. I may love Maria, but I would never act on it. Not when I’m going to bed every night with Erica and Maria is cranking out kids with Nate.
But I can’t let her go. So if that means friendly correspondence back and forth, like before, then so be it. Erica drifts back off to sleep as I play this over in my head. With this new choice, I can’t help but feel a rush of excitement and a surge of energy.
So I march back down to my mom’s study and start the computer up. And before I know it, my fingers are flying over the keys, talking to Maria again.
Chapter nineteen
The Emails
Date: July 3, 2004 01:36 am
From: [email protected]
Subject: Me again
Maria,
Hey! So I know that we just hung out today but I feel like we left kinda in a weird place. Which honestly seems to be our thing lately.
Anyway, I have a crazy idea. And feel free to say no. I wouldn’t be upset and would completely understand. What would you say to writing and keeping in touch again? As friends, of course. We are both married and adults (and you’re a mom, which is still crazy to think about, by the way). After spending time with you today, I realized that I missed you. Missed having you in my life. I miss my best friend. And I have a sense that you feel the same way.
So what do you say? Can we write again? Well, email. Let me know. And I hope you guys have fun on your trip and Brielle loves the ocean.
