Page 28 of All In
She wants to keep in touch.
The answer to the last question in her letter comes to me fast. I frantically scan the living room for some paper and a pen.
Nothing.
I lift stacks of old bills, feeling the crispness of the paper beneath my fingertips.
No paper.
The handle to my junk drawer almost falls off as I open it with force. Among the pile, I find the lighter, loose batteries, random playing cards not part of a deck, screws, and three pairs of scissors. AH-HAH! A pen! I click it and pray that it works. I scribble on the stack of bills and grin in relief when the blue ink appears.
I turn and head toward my bedroom and beeline straight to my nightstand. The drawer practically falls out of its track as I yank it open. I can’t shake off this sense of urgency because it feels like I’m running out of time. There’s no deadline to write this letter and no point in rushing this. But the desire to communicate with Maria is so strong it’s like I’m running a marathon. And I’m only looking for paper.
Finally, a notebook shows itself at the bottom of my drawer. I grab it, head to my kitchen table, brace myself, and write.
Chapter eleven
The Letters
Oct. 10, 1997
Dear Maria,
Thank you for the letter and for explaining everything. I have to admit something though, and it may be hard for you to hear. But I am so mad at you, And I know that’s awful and selfish considering what you wrote to me. So let me explain.
First and foremost, I am so sorry you went through all of that. It must have been so hard. I can’t really think about it, because I may go and find Chad and I would rather not get arrested. But, and this is where I get kinda mad, because while reading your letter, all I kept thinking was, why didn’t she come to me? We could have worked through that together. I would have been there through all of it and then maybe I wouldn’t be here writing this letter without you in my life. Because you were my girl, and in some ways, you still are, and always will be. I could tell in your letter that you were holding back from saying certain things, since you are in a relationship. But I’m not seeing anyone, so I’m going to tell you how I feel. It may be my one and only chance.
My feelings haven’t changed. I still love you.
That’s it. That’s what you need to know. Because it is, well, it was, everything.
To answer your question, yes, I would like to start writing to you again. But from this point on, our letters need to be nothing but friendly. Because that is the only way I can allow myself to think about you. In Dexter’s, holding you in my arms, well, my head hasn’t been the same since. So, if you are with Nate, and there is nochance of us getting back together, I can’t have these letters become romantic. I can’t, Maria. Besides, I won’t pursue you if you are with someone. That’s not who I am. When we were together, I always felt that we were two insecure people who were secure in each other. So maybe talking to you again will give back that sense of security I lost two years ago. I guess we’ll see.
Since you caught me up on your life, I think it’s only fair that I do the same. After the night you gave me The Chad, I struggled for a very long time. I had huge dreams for you and me. And that all came crashing down, so obviously I needed time to adjust to my new reality. Eventually I did. I started dating again, as you saw. There have been other women, but nothing serious. Although there is my neighbor, Cara, that lives above me. God, you would hate her. She is so pushy. It drives me nuts. I still hang out with Ricky, as you saw. Also, that bartender that helped diffuse the situation on the dance floor has become a friend as well. Big C has been a nice sounding board for me when it comes to you. I dare to say that I trust him more than Ricky, if you can believe it.
That night at Dexter’s, I was there with Ricky, letting off some steam because I had just lost my job. It sucks so bad, let me tell you. And you know how this area of Ohio is right now. There is no work. Today, I had an interview as a manager in a freaking grocery store. Writing it down makes me laugh because it is funny actually. But I think if they offer it to me, I will take it.
But it makes me feel like such a loser.
That’s it. That’s my life. Pretty riveting. Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon. I guess I’ll find out if you were serious about this whole reconnecting thing. I look forward to your letter, Maria.
Yours, Sam
Oct. 13, 1997
Dear Sam,
Of course I was serious about writing again! And I have to admit, I was so excited to open the mailbox and see your letter. It felt like old times and it let me know that you were open to communicating with me again as a friend. So, thank you for giving me a chance.
But I have to start off by saying that you ARE NOT a loser. Please don’t say those things about yourself. Taking a job, no matter what that job is, to support yourself is never a bad thing. You know that I never cared what you did for work. As long as you did it with integrity. So, if they offer you the job, take it and run that store like the badass you are!
Life has been pretty boring my way. Just school, Nate, dealing with my parents, which is a huge headache. They don’t divorce well let me tell you. It’s been a lot of fighting and since my dad works with Nate’s dad, I think he kinda expects me to take his side, but I can’t and I won’t. Do you remember that episode of Friends last season? I guess I should be more specific, huh? Haha. Well, there was an episode last season that reminds me so much of my situation. It’s the one where Rachel’s parents are divorcing, and they have the two parties in the apartments. She keeps going back and forth between the boring Monica party, where her mom was and the fun party at Joey’s, where her dad was. Ross helped her navigate the whole thing. That’s how I feel. Kinda like I’m being toggled between two apartments. And Nate doesn’t help me the way Ross helped Rachel. It’s frustrating and lonely.
Doyou still watch Friends? You know me; I was and still am addicted. Nate hates it! He says it’s “brain numbingly dumb.” Whatever that means. Remember when you and I watched the pilot together after that random Thursday we spent in Pittsburgh? The one where we walked and talked about our future. We came home and thought, hey what the heck, let’s watch this new show and see if it’s any good. And we ended up loving it! It’s still on the air, so I guess other people love it too. I wonder how many seasons it will last?
Write back soon!
Love, Maria
