Page 2 of All In
Now, though, as I wait for Sam, I feel more alone than I ever have in my life.
I keep envisioning the look on his face when I hand him this envelope. I lower my head in shame at the thought. All of this is shattering my heart and, once again, the tears pool in my eyes. Pushing down the sadness, I release a breath as the couch shifts beside me.
I have been a shell of myself these past six weeks. I haven’t been eating or sleeping. And I know Sam has noticed these changes. I’m sure he senses something is wrong. Whenever he asks me if I’m okay, nothing but love and genuine concern fill his questions. But I lie and say I’m fine.
If he only knew.
“I’ll be right back,” I choke out tohim,not wanting to make eye contact. Before he can protest, I stand, sit the letter down on the coffee table, and make a beeline to the bathroom on the other side of the house. I need a moment to be alone.
As soon as I shut the door and turn on the faucet, I brace myself against the icy surface of the sink with clutched hands. Raising my head, I peer at the mirror, and I hate the person staring back at me. She’s a liar. And she deserves to live a life full of misery and pain.
Before I can stop it, the weeping begins. I cover my mouth to stifle the sobs as I crumble to the floor and curl up into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest. Then, my whole body starts to tremble uncontrollably. The emptiness and coldnessthat my life has become are bubbling to the surface. The tears flow, and I can’t make them stop.
I’m not sure I even want to.
In the background, the opening and shutting of the refrigerator and the clanking of dishes lets me knowhemust be making something to eat.
Wow! This is no big deal forhim, I guess.
It breaks my heart even more to know that forhim,this is just another ordinary day.
My grief is overwhelming, and the sobs become uncontrollable.
I don’t give a crap ifhehears me.
As I cry like a little girl, I mourn the death of my life with Sam. The realization of the pain I am about to inflict on the man I love only causes more tears, and I weep for the consequences of my actions. I don’t know if he will ever be able to forgive me. The weight of my decision hangs heavy in the air of this small bathroom.
I have no clue how long I have been sobbing on the cold tile. I realize, though, that I need to get out of here and back out there tohim. On unsteady legs, I peel myself off of the floor, step onto the blue shag bath mat, and look in the mirror. My face is red, blotchy, and my eyes are puffy from crying. As I splash water on my face, the coolness instantly jolts me, and I reach for a towel to pat my skin dry gently. I glance at myself one last time and try to memorize the face of the girl that still has Sam in her life. Because in a few minutes, that will all change. Sam will be here any second for our date, with no clue that a bomb is going to blow up his life.
Hopefully, one day soon, I can explain. But for now, lies need to be told.
I need to do this for my parents.
Because I am always the girl that makes everyone happy. I am willing to bear the burden, regardless of the cost to both myself and Sam.
The boy I fell in love with that day in the cafeteria.
Chapter two
1995
Sam
The black velvet box is in my front jean pocket.
With force, I shoved it only seconds ago, trying to make it fit. The last step in getting ready to meet Maria for dinner. Tonight, I’m aiming for a nice, casual look, and I think I nailed it. My outfit consists of black loafers, a button-down shirt in black with the sleeves rolled up, and dark denim jeans. There’s only one problem … it’s pretty obvious that I have something tucked into my pants. There’s a huge side bulge.
God, this looks ridiculous. I yank the ring box from my pocket and place it on the hand-me-down dresser. When I pause and step back, I admire it sitting on the chipped wood, and one thing is clear. It’s glaringly out of place sitting next to my deodorant, aftershave, keys, and watch. But it’s the one-and-a-half-carat diamond inside that I know will fit.
I grab my watch and clip it onto my wrist. My palms are sweaty because of the nerves coursing through me, so I instinctively wipe them on my jeans, then run my fingers through my dark brown hair. I take a deep, exaggerated breath, feeling the air fill my lungs, and my body relaxes.
Better.
I have never been this nervous in my whole life. Throughout the entire day, my heart has been beating so fast that it feels like it’s trying to break free from my chest. All day long, I couldn’t help but open and close the box repeatedly, half-expecting the ring to get up and walk away. I mean, it’s not every day that you get on one knee and utter those four life-changing words to someone. “Will you marry me?” Then hold your breath for that one three-letter answer.
The plan is to ask Maria to marry me after dessert while we are at our favorite spot. Point State Park in Pittsburgh, right at the fountain. At night, the city skyline sparkles, while the three rivers flow peacefully. The mist from the fountain adds a touch of magic as it shoots up into the air. It’s always been the place where we make big decisions, and now, it will be where I will ask her to be my wife.
Nothing could be more perfect.
