Page 57 of Lost Lyrebird
The wordamnesiabounces around inside my mind like a loose wrecking ball.My thoughts ping until I can pull together all the details I’ve missed that could have explained so much.As they tie together, my stomach twists into knots.I can’t even voice it out loud.It feels absurd, like something that can’t be real, and yet, according to Finn, it is.
He watches me closely, his dark-blue eyes searching mine, waiting to see how I react.
I don’t know how to react or what to say.
What to feel.
There are too many thoughts and emotions rioting for attention inside my head and my heart.I turn away on shaking legs.A vice grips my chest in a stranglehold.The telltale signs of a panic attack.I press my fist to my chest, trying to push back the sharp ache building there.
He didn’t choose to leave.He didn’t just disappear.He…
Oh my god.
Sucking in a long breath, I count to three and then let it out in a long exhale.Suck in another and hold for five.Breathe,Lily.Just breathe.
I repeat this mantra a few times until Finn draws near.
“Lily, what’s wrong?”
I scarcely manage to get the words out.“I’m okay.Just need a minute.”
He stays by my side.His hand is on the small of my back.It somehow staves off the panic and centers me.
Finn watches me intently.There’s some distance in his gaze.He seems almost wounded by my reaction.And I realize he’s waiting.Waiting to see how this truth lands.If it changes anything.
“I knew… knew something was wrong,” I say, cautiously.“But I didn’t—” My words don’t seem like enough.Don’t cover the enormity of how messed up this all is, and they don’t say what it is I want to say.“No one explained.I didn’t know… so I just let it go.It doesn’t bother me.I don’t want to throw pity at you, because that’s probably the last thing you want.There’s empathy, though, for what you’ve been through.”I very nearly say, “All these years… I thought you abandoned me.”But the words don’t come, and he doesn’t ask.He waits.
And I hate that, after all this time, a part of me still feels that dangerous flicker of hope.Am I a memory he’s lost?I mean, is that the reason he never came back or made contact?Is there even the slightest chance he’s retained some of our past and thought about me?Missed me, even?
“Does it bother you?”
My eyes widen.“Bother me?”
The way he’s watching me makes me feel like he’s cataloguing every nuance of my facial expression.“Or worry you, maybe?”He says gruffly.
I squint, trying to understand his meaning.“What?”
“Are you worried about your job security because your boss doesn’t have his shit together?Or …” he trails off, not voicing what he was going to say next, though I can see how intensely interested he is in my opinion.
That is the last goddamn thing on my mind.Holy hell.No digging for dirty details—he just opened up and told me everything I’ve been dying to know for years.
“No, absolutely not.How could you think that?”
“Then why are you so upset?”
I throw my hands up.“Who wouldn’t be?
“Then what are you doing?”My voice pitches on the last word, my nervous excitement obvious.I back up a step and lean against my car.He follows my retreat.He flashes between the man he used to be and who he is now.I see both versions as I stare up at him.It’s like watching two people exist in one body.He’s the same, yet so different.More confident.More bold.And undeniably just as tempting.Even thinking it makes me feel like I’m the one who’s a little mentally unstable right now.His ability to reel me in like this is alarming.
“Just considering some… things.One of them being how to navigate this while not crossing any lines.At least until you know me better, and I get the chance to see who you really are.”
When he moves even closer, I place my hand on his chest to stop him.He picks it up, bringing my fingers to his mouth, and places a barely-there kiss on my knuckles.His eyes never, not for one second, leave mine.
“Such a gentleman.”
“For you, maybe I will be.”
Breathlessly, I say, “Just for me?”
