Page 164 of Lost Lyrebird
“Please, baby,” he whispers.“Please.”He backs up and stares directly into my eyes.
A fist squeezes the heart in my chest.“Please, just let it go.There are things I can’t say, reasons I kept my distance, and you’re only making me realize I was right to.”
“You can tell me.Whatever it is.”
I push him back and remove myself from his temporary cage.I reopen my door and use it as a barrier between us.“See that’s the thing, Goose.I can’t.I honestly can’t.Because you might think it will fix this, but I promise you, it will be the end of us.”
He places his hand over my cheek, then gently pecks my lips, trying to get me to soften for him.I’m shaking as I fight not to give in to him.His lips brush back and forth over mine.“I love you.I loved you then, I fucking know it, and I love you now, lies and all.I just need you to trust me and let me in.”
I pry his hand away.The hope on his face fades.“I can’t.Not yet.Maybe someday, but until then, I need you to back off.”
“Lily.”
“No, I’m sorry, just… I can’t.I think maybe we rushed into this and should… I didn’t think this through.”
“What?”When I stay silent, he shouts, “What… just say it?”
“This isn’t a good idea.”
“What the fuck.You’ve got to be kidding me.How the fuck can you say that!”He cradles the back of his head and paces a few steps away, looking toward the sky.When he faces me again, he’s breathing heavily and his face is riddled with anger.“Please tell me you’re not serious.”
I clench my fingers around the door, ready to shut him out before I change my mind.I tell myself it’s for him.It’s what I have to do to keep him safe and away from the mess I’ve weaved.“I am.Let’s just cool it for a while, okay?”
“Lil’.Don’t do this, baby.Please don’t fucking do this.”
“I’m sorry.This is my fault.I shouldn’t have started this with you, knowing I couldn’t let you in.”
“It doesn’t have to be like this.”
I look down for a moment.Images come to mind of how wrong this could all go if I don’t walk away.If I come clean as a rat, as a spy, it will implicate him.I’ve seen the Greenback kill their own men for less countless times.He’s only safe if he knows nothing.When my gaze meets his again, I hope my eyes convey how fucking sorry I am, and how torn.“That’s the thing… it does.I wish it didn’t, but it does.”
I see him swing his fist and kick the dirt, and hear his yelled, “God-fucking-damnit,” as I get into my car, and shut the door.He closes the distance and puts his hand on the car as if to stop me.I slowly pull forward.As I move through the parking lot, I watch him in the rearview mirror.I see him grip his head with both hands in frustration.He sinks to his knees on the blacktop, his hands go to the ground, and he bows his head.
For the next few days, he’s absent from the club.No longer there when I leave.No one has heard from him.Raven says he won’t answer her calls, and his HOC brothers can’t find him.
He’s simply a ghost.
CHAPTER 47
The darkest parts of ourselves know things that the light version can only touch the surface of.
I’ve lost track of time.Days have passed since I locked myself in this room, surrounded by all the remnants of my little bird.With the blackout curtains drawn tight, it suits me just fine.
I’ve gone off the meds cold turkey, welcomed the migraines with open arms.
Am I punishing myself?
Fuck yes, I am.
Because I knew better—I knew not to push her for answers yet, and I did it anyway.
The fact that she’d triggered me by leaving those papers on my desk is no excuse.
It was meant to be a kind gesture.At first, when she mentioned it, I was floored at all the work she’d done to get me help.However, the more I thought it over, the more bothered I became.I fucking hated that she felt she needed to take care of me, and not the other way around.I didn’t want to be the weak link in this relationship.
But no matter which way you slice it, I was, and always would be.
I was a thing to be fixed, worried over, a motherfucking bomb waiting to detonate.I wasn’t getting any better, and eventually my brain would give up the fight.I wasn’t a safe bet or a good one for her or anyone, for that matter.And that was without even considering the danger Veno posed to her if she became mine.
