Page 142 of Damaged Boys Don't Fall For Bubbly Girls
He nods. “More than anything.”
“Then you can’t let the past hold you back. You apologized to him. The best you can hope for is that he forgives you. Because the truth is, you really can’t know if he does. But that’s not onyou. You did what you had to do and it’s time you allow yourself to be happy.”
He’s quiet again.
“And it’s the same for me. I’ve apologized to him many times and hope he has forgiven me. But I also need to move on from the past and live my life.”
He holds out his hand and I slip mine inside. “I’m trying to forgive myself, but it’s very hard.”
“I know it is, but I also know you’ll get there. You’re doing so much better than you were a few weeks ago. You’re smiling. You’re having fun with me and the guys. I see only good things in your future.”
He smiles through his tears. “Thanks.”
I rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m really sorry for all the pain you’ve been through.”
“I’m sorry for all the painyouhave been through.”
We sit in silence as we think about the past and everything that happened after that. Minutes tick by.
After some time, Brock says, “I’m ready to put the past behind me. I mean, I’ll always carry the pain with me, but I don’t want to miss out on all the good things life has to offer.”
I smile in encouragement. “That’s so good to hear. Don’t feel bad when good things happen to you. You really deserve them, Brock. You’ve been trying so hard to be happy and make those around you happy. Especially me. You’ve been doing everything you could to make up for these past four years. But I don’t want you to do that anymore. Focus on yourself and what you need.”
He lifts his head off mine and searches my eyes. “I have been focusing on myself. I know exactly what I need. What I want. But…” He lowers his gaze. “It’s selfish of me.”
I shift closer to look into his eyes. “It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. What do you want?”
“Like I said, to be myself again. But the one thing I truly want? The one thing that will make me happy? I’m pretty sure you know what it is.”
His eyes are so intense as he gazes at me. My heart skips a beat and it feels like my lungs are frozen.
“It’s you, Lexi,” he whispers. He averts his gaze to the floor. “But we’ve been through a lot and I’ve hurt you more than once. And I don’t deserve you…”
I place my finger under his chin, forcing him to look at me. “Yes, you do. I know what I want. What will makemehappy. He’s sitting right across from me.”
Brock’s eyes glass over again. He bends to press his forehead to mine. “But I hurt you.”
“And I’ve forgiven you. I want to move past that. I want to start over.” I rest my hand on his cheek. “Do you want to start over with me? It’s true that we’ve been through a lot, but we’ve also grown so much. We need to learn from the past and we need to remember Andy, but we can’t let it consume us. I want to live. You want to live. Weneedto move on.”
He nods. “I want that really badly. I want to be with you more than anything.”
“Me, too. You’re the most important person in my life, Brock. You make me so happy.”
His chest heaves as he lets out a relieved breath. “I feel the exact same way. You mean the world to me. But how can we make this work?”
I bury my head in his chest. His arms wrap around me. “I think we need to take things slow,” I tell him. “We need to be there for each other and tell each other what we’re feeling. No more secrets.”
He nods. “I don’t want to keep anything from you. I want to be completely open and honest with you.”
“We also can’t be scared to hurt each other,” I say. “I don’t want to walk on eggshells around you and worry I’ll say something wrong.”
“I’d never want you to do that.”
“But you also need to tell me if I say something that hurts you or triggers you. Don’t try to protect me while hurting yourself. I want to be your rock. I want to be the person you confide your hopes and dreams and troubles and worries to.”
He squeezes me close. “I want you to be that person and I want to be that person for you.”
“I also want us to be able to talk about Andy and the past, but if it’s too hard, maybe we can slowly ease into those conversations. We need to go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with.”
