Page 141 of Damaged Boys Don't Fall For Bubbly Girls
“No.” He rests his hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look at him. “It wasn’t your fault he got into that accident. It was…it was mine.”
I give him a confused look.
He takes another deep breath. “He and I hung out at my house after shooting hoops and looking for bugs. Then it was time for him to go home. He got on his bike and rode into the street and…and…” He shakes his head.
I take his hand. “You don’t have to tell me. We can leave it in the past.”
“No.” He pulls his hand away. “You need to know what I did.” His eyes are a little glassy.
Seeing how much pain he’s in makes my own eyes tear up.
“He rode into the street and I called after him. I don’t even remember what I wanted to tell him. But he turned around and didn’t notice that a car was speeding down the street. The carslammed into him, sending him into the air, and then he crashed on the ground, dying instantly.” The tears pour down his cheeks. “I yelled so loud my parents ran outside and saw what happened. They tried to calm me down, but I wouldn’t hear it. It was allmyfault. I killed him, Lexi. But I didn’t acknowledge that at the time. I blamed you because I thought your curse was the reason I called after him. Like something possessed me to do it. But as I got older, I realized that it wasn’t you. It was me. There are no such things as curses. The only person to blame was me. I’m so sorry for blaming you.”
I take his hand again. “You were so hurt and in pain. I can’t blame you for thinking that. Honestly, I still think I did have something to do with it.”
“No. You didn’t. It was me and only me. I don’t know if he’d ever forgive me.” He bends forward, burying his face in his hands. “He died because of me.”
I pat his back. “You were just a kid. It was an accident. And I know Andy forgives you.”
He slowly lifts his head. “Do you really think so?”
I wipe his tears away with my thumbs. “I really do. And I know it hurts him to see you torture yourself like this.” I look into his eyes. “You’ve carried this guilt for so long, Brock. I think it’s time you forgive yourself or you’ll never live.”
He’s quiet as he thinks it over. “I do want to live. Andy would want me to.”
I nod. “Of course he would.”
“But what about you? Do you forgive me for blaming you? I should have accepted that it was my fault and not yours. But I was a coward. That’s another reason why it was so hard for me to talk to you these past four years. In the beginning, it was because I blamed you. But after some time, I felt guilty for blaming you and it was easier to just…”
“Ignore me,” I finish.
He nods, fresh tears pooling in his eyes. “I’m really so sorry. I’ll never forgive myself for the way I treated you. You’re so kind and sweet for talking to me. For even looking at me. I don’t deserve it.”
“Brock, look at me.”
He slowly lifts his gaze to mine.
“You’ve been through so much pain,” I tell him. “And I know you’re trying to move on. But you’ll never move on if you don’t forgive yourself.”
“I don’t know if I can. I killed Andy. I hurt you. I don’t deserve happiness.”
“Yes, you do,” I argue. “You can’t let the past define you. You were just a kid who was having fun with his friend. You’re not a terrible person. But I am. Whether or not my curse caused his death, I still said those horrible words. Iwantedhim gone.” My shoulders hunch over. “But I never meant for him to die.”
Brock takes me in his arms, resting his chin on my head. “Don’t blame yourself, Lexi. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You didn’t either. It was just an accident.”
His body quakes. “I called after him. I was so stupid.”
“You didn’t realize he wasn’t safe.”
He’s quiet for a bit. “What if he doesn’t forgive me?”
I push some bangs out of his eyes. “You know Andy and you also know that he does forgive you. You feel it deep in here.” I touch his heart.
“But what if you’re wrong?”
I shrug. “You can’t base your happiness on whether or not he forgives you because then you’ll be stuck in the past. Do you want to move on, Brock? Do you want to have a good life?”
