Page 119 of Enemies with Benefits
He grabbed my arm, and it was only being in public that kept me from whirling around and decking him for laying a hand on me when I was obviously pissed off at him. Didn't stop mefrom spinning around, my other hand flexing to show just how close I was and then...freezing. The expression on his face was a mirror copy of the one when he'd woken up in my childhood rooms in the hotel after his breakdown, when he'd realized I’d brought him there and let him calm down at his own pace. It was vulnerable, downright fucking shy, wary, and fearful, but hopeful at the same time.
"You hunted Kayden down to stay here...for me?” he asked softly, all his normal doubt with none of his normal anger in his voice.
Ugh.
Now, how the fuck was I supposed to stay mad atthat?
It wasn't fair. He looked like a little boy receiving some crumb of affection for the first time. Not quite daring to believe it could happen, but deep down wanting to hope that it could.
"Yes," I snapped, though there was no real bite to it, and though I pulled my arm from his grip, it was reluctant. "You're a stubborn prick who doesn't know his head from his ass half the time, but with Kayden in the state he was in, you were alone and dealing with all of it. At the time, I was the closest thing you had for support, even if you didn't realize I was there...wasn'tsupposedto know I was there, alright?"
"You didn't want me to know," he repeated, a shadow passing over his face, and I couldn't tell if it was at himself, at me, at the situation, or some really depressing mix of the three.
"No, you made it pretty damn clear you didn't want me in your life."
"You still came."
"You know, it's funny. You're an ass. A bigger one than me, which is fucking impressive by the way, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be alone when shit hits the fan. Maybe if you were better at accepting help and letting other people show you that they care, then maybe I wouldn't have tried to keep it from you.But what do I know? It's not like I don't have plenty of people who’d be there for me in an instant, but still manage to live my life on my own two feet. What would I know about balancing being independent and stubborn with accepting love and help from people who care?"
"That's not...fair."
"Life isn't fair, Jace. You should know that by now. It's not about what's fair and what isn't. Just like it isn't about what we deserve or don't. It's about what we accept and what we do. You kept watch over Kayden, and I kept watch over you, and then I brought Moira and Micah here because I knew they'd want to be here for both you and Kayden. I did it because I care, and even if that care was supposed to go unnoticed by you, it was still there, alright? So yeah, I did all that, and I did it because I care. Now, can I go?"
"If you want," he said, his expression wavering between sullen and hurt, taking a step back.
"It's not about what I want," I muttered, turning and walking away because he clearly wasn't listening. Just like everything else I'd said, it wasn't about what I wanted, especially when it came to us. Or at least, it wasn'tjustabout what I wanted. I had tied myself to him, which meant that what he wanted mattered just as much, but he was never going to see that. All he was going to see was the Mason he had etched in the hard stone of his thick skull, one who never thought of anything else but himself.
Which was...fine. Well, it wasn't fine right now, it stung deep down and would smart for a while. Eventually, though, I'd be able to think about it without feeling the slide of a blade between my ribs, and eventually the needle pricks of pain and regret would fade as well. I would be able to move on with my life without thinking of him and feeling like I was a shit person because I hadn't managed to figure out how to get things to work between us. Hell, maybe one day I might be able to think ofthe fact that he had come the closest of anyone I'd been with to knowing me, and not regret it. Maybe even think of it as a good thing. Right now? Not so much.
It would just...take time.
I stepped out into the morning light and felt the sun hit me, warming my skin after being exposed to the air conditioning for so long. It didn't fix everything, but I’d always taken happiness where I could get it and savor it as best I could. I welcomed the warmth and breathed in, taking in the scent of the flowers nearby, and felt at least a measure of tension leave my body.
"Mason," Jace's voice rumbled from behind me, and I scowled.
"As great as it is that you actually figured out how to talk to people, I'm all talked out," I said with a wave over my shoulder. No, but seriously,nowhe learns how to talk without growling, grunting, and snapping at me?
"What if I said I didn't want you to go?” he asked, and I jerked a little when I realized he was closer than I'd expected.
Turning, I found him looking nervous and fidgeting, fingers tugging at the bottom of his shirt. I raised a brow, taken aback by his sudden emotional admittance. "What if?"
"Okay," he said, looking around nervously. Whether he wasn't sure how I was going to react to what he was going to say, or still worried about other people, was anyone's guess. "I don't want you to go."
Well, that definitely took the wind out of my sails. I had been prepared for any stupid shit that could come out of his mouth, but I wasn't ready forthat.
I sighed, feeling defeat well up in me as I turned to face him again. "Why?"
"What?” he asked, blinking rapidly.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Why don't you want me to leave?"
"I-I don't know," he admitted, looking confused like he too wanted to know the answer, as if it was going to come from anyone but him.
I rolled my eyes. “Pass."
His eyes widened as I turned to walk off. “Wait, what?"
"Look," I said, still turned away but looking over my shoulder. "I'm all for taking things as they come, but even I have a limit, alright? It would be one thing if you were trying to figure out if you wanted to be with me, or if you wanted to come out of the closet. Those are the kinds of things I can sit back and wait for. But I have to wonder if you even know if you can stand me, let alone want to be around me, and anything that comes after that."
