Page 36 of The Monsters Within
“Because his death will be by my hand, and Thorne’s, no one else’s.”
“Kytten, I should have made this clear at the beginning. If you tell me something in the future you are planning, I am bound by law to report it. So with that clear, I will ask again, why won’t you tell me who the man is?”
I knew what he was doing. He was protecting himself while still holding true to the rules of the MC. The one that said we handled our own shit.
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
Dr. Dunaway nodded and moved on. “Let’s start at the beginning. Tell me about your childhood. Before the man took your mom.”
Over the next hour, I shared everything with Dr. Dunaway. Well, everything I felt comfortable telling him. Which was more than I had shared with Dr. Jefferson.
I told him about the day the man took my mom, leaving out any specific details that would tell him who the man was. I told him about when the landlord found us and the months we spent on the street before Thorne disappeared when he went to get us food.
“Have you asked Mimic about that yet?”
I shook my head.
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to know,” I told him as I looked off to the side. Dr. Dunaway made too much eye contact. It was uncomfortable. Like he could tell when I was lying.
“Why don’t you want to know?”
I didn’t answer. I hid my hands under my legs so I wouldn’t scratch. I wanted to wake up the monsters. I needed them to take away what I was feeling.
“Do you think he left you, Kytten?”
I wanted to yell at him. Scream the word no so loud the whole clubhouse heard it. Instead, I dropped my head. Did I think Thorne left me on purpose? A small part of me did. And that made me feel guilty. Because I thought something bad about him.
“You can be honest in here, Kytten. It’s just you and me. No one will know what you tell me. It’s okay to let it out.”
Tears formed in my eyes. I wondered if they would spill out or if they would call the monsters to come get them.
“Sometimes,” I whispered as the first tear fell. “Sometimes I think he didn’t want me anymore. And that’s why he didn’t come back.”
Dr. Dunaway slid the tissue box across the table. “It’s okay to cry. And it’s okay to feel.”
I didn’t want to feel. That’s why I had the monsters. They took all the feelings away. The problem was, they wanted the good feelings too. Not just the bad ones.
“Are you ready to move on?”
My head snapped up, and I asked, “Move on?”
“Yes. You acknowledged how you felt. Am I right in thinking that’s the first time you have acknowledged that, even to yourself?”
I nodded and waited for him to say more.
“We can talk more about these feelings if you need to. Or we can move on and examine some other feelings. Which would you prefer?”
“Move on,” I said quickly. I didn’t want to analyze why I felt that way. Admitting it was hard enough.
“Let’s talk about the day Valhalla found you.”
Dr. Dunaway spent hours with me. He helped me admit how I felt. Feelings I had been afraid to say out loud. And then he let me move on. He never pushed. He never asked why I felt that way. He said admitting them was the hard part. And one day we would talk about why I felt them, and he would help me process that.
I was glad Ellie had suggested him. He was easy to talk to. Maybe, just maybe, he would be able to help me kill the monsters. Or at least teach me how not to need them so much.
When we were done, we walked out of church together. Cash was waiting, and he pulled me into his arms. “Are you okay, baby?” I smiled up at him.
