Page 28 of The Monsters Within
“Kytten, you aren’t stupid. You didn’t know Rachel, and assuming Cash hasn’t talked about her much, there is no reason for her to be in your mind the way she is in ours.”
“But I do know about her. And I know it’s only been a few months. I should have thought about why he yelled at me. He just sounded so much like a dad yelling at a teenager.”
“Because that’s how Cash is. He holds everything in until it bubbles over and explodes. His job is to take care of the club. He takes it seriously.”
“It’s not healthy to hold your feelings in.”
Ellie cocked an eyebrow at me. And I knew what she was saying without a word leaving her lips. But I didn’t hold them in; the monsters did. And when I cut, they released them.
“I’d like to tell you about a friend I had back home.” I looked up and waited. “Heather was a girl from school. We weren’t super close, but we were friends. We sometimes hung out together after school and one day I noticed she was hurting herself.”
I inhaled loudly, trying to stem the anger that was rising up. I didn’t want to talk about this. Never wanted any of them to know. I never wanted anyone to know.
“Not the way you do. She burned herself. She wasn’t a smoker, but she carried a lighter. I didn’t think much of it. Lots of kids carry lighters.”
A lot of people carry knives too. And no one thinks much about it.
“One day, we went shopping after school. Heather was trying something on, and I found this really cute top I wanted to show her. So, without thinking, I barged into the dressing room. And that was when I saw the burns. They were all over her stomach and thighs. At first, she wouldn’t tell me anything. I pushed and pushed, and finally she told me she was doing it because her father had been raping her.”
I forced myself to look at Ellie. If I looked away, she would know. She would know my secret, and I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want Cash to know. I didn’t want Val to know.
My eyes filled with tears as Ellie talked about her friend, and when she told me what her dad was doing to her, they spilled over. I couldn’t control them. The monsters were nowhere to be found. I needed them, and they weren’t here.
They let me down.
Like everyone else.
“I was glad I pushed her, but I also wish I hadn’t. Because when the truth came out, she couldn’t handle it alone. She took her life. I lost my friend because no one helped her. I don’t want to lose another friend, Kytten.”
“I’m talking to Dr. Jefferson.”
“But you aren’t letting her help you.”
“I don’t like her.”
“Why?”
I shrugged. Dr. Jefferson was an old lady. She was Gunner’s sister and Haizley’s best friend. They wouldn’t understand why I couldn’t trust her.
“I have a friend who is a therapist. Would you like me to call him? See if it’s easier to talk to him?” I shrugged again, not sure what the right answer was. “Kytten, it’s okay if Melissa isn’t the right person for you. You can try someone else.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
Chapter Nine
Cash
I sat at the bar, watching the back door. Waiting for Kytten and Ellie to come inside. I had fucked up, and I knew it. But in my defense, ninety-seven miles an hour on a bike was stupid for anyone.
But my woman wasn’t just taking her own life in her hands. She was taking mine too because I wouldn’t survive losing her. I barely survived losing Rach, and what I felt for Rose was so much more.
“Hey, where’s Kytten?” King sat down beside me, and the prospect dropped off two beers.
“Outside with Ellie,” I said, lifting the cold bottle to my lips.
“Nav sent me a video of her facing off against Gunner.”
“Already?” I shook my head, the corner of my mouth lifting. Nav was quick to send off a video of anything he found remotely interesting. One time he’d caught Rachel and I out back. I threatened to beat the shit out of him if he didn’t delete it. Then I stood over his shoulder until he showed me it was well and truly gone.
