Page 65 of The Dark Lord Awakens
Azrael reappeared in the doorway. “Your bath is prepared, my lord.”
I followed him into the bathing chamber. Steam rose from the surface of the water in the obsidian tub, which had been infused with some kind of fragrant oil that smelled like cedar and spice.
“I’ll take it from here,” I said, already untying my sleep robe. “You can go arrange breakfast.”
Azrael hesitated, looking almost pained. “My lord, it is my duty to?—”
“Azrael.”
A flicker of something—Disappointment? Frustration?—crossed Azrael’s face before his perfect composure returned. “As you wish, my lord. I shall attend to your breakfast and then select appropriate attire for the day’s activities.”
He bowed and exited, closing the door behind him. I waited a moment to make sure he was really gone before dropping my robe and stepping into the bath. The water was perfect—hot but not scalding, the oils making my skin tingle pleasantly.
I sank down with a contented sigh. Maybe being a dark lord wasn’t so bad when it came with perks like this.
Twenty minutes later, feeling thoroughly clean and relaxed, I wrapped myself in a plush black robe and returned to the bedroom. A small table had been set near the window, laden with an impressive breakfast spread that made my mouth water instantly. There were fluffy scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, sausages, pancakes drizzled with something that looked like syrup but shimmered with an otherworldly glow, fresh fruit I didn’t recognize, and pastries that seemed to change color slightly as I looked at them.
I sat down and took a bite of the pancakes, closing my eyes in bliss. “Oh my God, that’s amazing.”
“I am pleased it meets with your approval, my lord,” Azrael said, emerging from what appeared to be a walk-in closet. In his arms, he carried what looked like enough fabric to outfit an entire Renaissance faire.
He laid the garments out on the bed with meticulous care. I eyed them over a forkful of eggs with growing horror. There were multiple layers of black and crimson silk, leather straps with an alarming number of buckles, what appeared to be a cape with a collar that would rise higher than my head—and were those actual metal spikes on the shoulders?
“What… is all that?” I asked, though I was afraid I already knew the answer.
“Your attire for today, my lord. I have selected the Obsidian Regalia for the morning meeting—it projects appropriate authority while maintaining comfort for extended discussions. For the afternoon visit to the camp, I recommend the Crimson Conqueror ensemble, which allows for greater mobility while still conveying your magnificent station.”
I stared at the ridiculous pile of gothic drama queen clothing, then back at Azrael’s expectant face. There was a limit to how far I was willing to go with this dark lord cosplay, and dressing like the final boss of a JRPG was definitely beyond it.
“Yeah, no. That’s not happening.”
Azrael blinked, clearly taken aback. “My lord?”
“I’m not wearing any of that.” I gestured at the pile with my fork. “I’d look like I’m heading to a very specific kind of nightclub, not running a kingdom.”
“But, my lord, these are traditional garments befitting your station. The Obsidian Regalia was crafted by the finest?—”
“Nope. Not doing it.” I set down my fork and stood up. “In fact, I think it’s time for a wardrobe update.”
I moved to an open space in the room and called out, “Supremo.”
A familiar blue glow appeared in the air, expanding into a translucent window hovering at eye level.
[Helpdesk Supreme welcomes valued customer Lord Lucien. This unit observes that valued customer is preparing for official functions today. May this unit suggest our premium ‘Implements of Torture’ catalog? The Bloodletter’s Collection is currently featured at a 15% discount.]
“Supremo, I need to order some clothes,” I said to the window hovering before me.
[Clothing request acknowledged. Helpdesk Supreme has prepared recommendations based on valued customer’s Dark Lord status. Available options include: ‘Dread SovereignEnsemble,’ ‘Nightmare Regalia,’ and ‘Soul Harvester Collection.’ Each includes the requisite spikes, bone accents, and intimidation-enhancing shoulder structures.]
“No, no, and definitely no,” I replied. “I want normal clothes. Well, nice clothes, but not… whatever horror movie costume party stuff you’re suggesting.”
Azrael stepped forward. “My lord, if these selections do not please you, I can present alternatives. Perhaps the Midnight Sovereign attire? Or the Shadow Emperor Regalia?”
[Helpdesk Supreme agrees with Lord Azrael, Harbinger of Despair. The Midnight Sovereign attire would be most appropriate for a dark lord of your stature, featuring tasteful bone accents and a dramatically elevated collar.]
I stared at the interface in surprise. “You’re taking his side now?”
[Helpdesk Supreme acknowledges all entities according to their appropriate designations. This unit’s analysis of 7,423 realms indicates that proper Dark Lord attire should include a minimum of three of the following elements: excessive spikes, impractically large shoulder structures, visible bone components, intimidating height enhancements, or garments made from the skin/scales/feathers of vanquished enemies.]
