Page 67 of The Dark Lord Awakens
“No! No slides!” I nearly shouted. “And stop agreeing with him! Is there a setting I can adjust to make you less… you?”
[Helpdesk Supreme is not configurable beyond standard preference parameters. This unit maintains a 98.7% customer satisfaction rating across all realms. The 1.3% dissatisfaction rate primarily consists of users who expired during the ordering process due to unrelated combat incidents.]
“I’m starting to understand those incidents better now,” I muttered. “For my second order, Supremo, I need some proper clothes for myself. Something that doesn’t make me look like I’m auditioning for ‘Vampires on Parade.’”
[Helpdesk Supreme must advise that ‘Vampires on Parade’ is actually a popular aesthetic among 72.3% of ruling entities in shadow realms. This unit recommends the ‘Midnight Sovereign’ collection with optional blood-absorbing lapels.]
“I don’t care what’s popular!” I said, exasperated. “I want something elegant but comfortable. No spikes, no bones, no dramatic collars that go higher than my head. Can you manage that, or should I just ask for a potato sack with arm holes?”
[Helpdesk Supreme notes unprecedented levels of sartorial defiance in valued customer’s tone. If valued customer insists on deviating from established Dark Lord fashion protocols, this unit could—with significant reservation—suggest a fusion of modern and fantasy styles. This would at least maintain minimal regal presence while accommodating valued customer’s concerning comfort fixation.]
“Yes, that’s what I want. What would that look like?”
[With extreme reluctance, this unit could offer high-quality leather pants with proper tailoring, silk and linen shirts with subtle historical elements such as stand collars with fine embroidery, well-cut waistcoats in rich fabrics, and elegant floor-length cloaks with minimal embellishments. Helpdesk Supreme must note that this represents the absolute minimum acceptable Dark Lord presentation standards.]
“Wait, that actually sounds perfect,” I said, genuinely surprised that Supremo had suggested something I’d actually want to wear. “Yes, that’s exactly the vibe I’m going for.”
“My lord?” Azrael inquired, noticing my sudden enthusiasm. “Have you made a decision regarding your attire?”
“Yes, I have,” I replied, grinning. “I’m going with a modern style. Leather pants, silk shirts, waistcoats, and cloaks without all the spikes and bones.”
Azrael cleared his throat. “My lord, if I may interject, such attire lacks the necessary gravitas for a ruler of your station. The traditional regalia has been worn by Dark Lords for millennia.”
[Helpdesk Supreme acknowledges Lord Azrael’s superior aesthetic judgment. Perhaps valued customer would reconsider? This unit could incorporate elements of traditional Dark Lord attire such as skull-shaped buttons, subtle bone inlays on collar stays, and perhaps a modest amount of sacrificial blood integrated into the fabric dye?]
“No! No blood, no bones, no skulls!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up. “Just the normal, high-quality clothes you just described. Is that really so difficult?”
[Helpdesk Supreme has updated your profile to include ‘Extreme Fashion Deviation’ and ‘Possible Identity Crisis.’ Against this unit’s better judgment, a selection of luxury modern-fantasy menswear has been curated based on your specifications. Helpdesk Supreme absolves itself of responsibility for any resulting loss of subject fear or respect.]
“I’ll take my chances,” I said dryly. “Just give me the best stuff.”
[Order compiled under protest. The total comes to 192,467 OpenTokens. Would valued customer like to proceed with this unprecedented fashion rebellion?]
“Yes, and make it a rush delivery. We need this ASAP.”
[Order confirmed. Your delivery will arrive within one hour. Helpdesk Supreme thanks valued customer for shopping with OpenSesame, though this unit remains deeply concerned about your continued deviation from established Dark Lord behavioral patterns. Perhaps valued customer would consider a small compromise with Azrael, such as a single tasteful skull accessory?]
“Goodbye, Supremo,” I said firmly.
[Helpdesk Supreme wishes valued customer success in today’s administrative activities, despite your sartorial rebellion. This unit will maintain passive monitoring status while contemplating the collapse of proper Dark Lord standards.]
The window dimmed slightly but remained hovering in the air. I returned to my breakfast, attacking the remaining pancakes with renewed vigor.
“The clothes should be here within the hour,” I said between bites, noting Azrael’s bewildered and slightly betrayed expression. “Just in time for the meeting.”
“My lord,” Azrael said stiffly, eyeing the space where the interface hovered, “I was unaware that void entities could… take sides.”
“Welcome to my world,” I muttered. “Apparently interdimensional shopping assistants have opinions about everything.”
The interface briefly brightened.
[Helpdesk Supreme does not have ‘opinions.’ This unit has extensively researched data on effective ruler presentation across multiple realms. This unit merely provides optimal recommendations based on statistical analysis.]
“Go back to sleep mode, Supremo.” I sighed.
[Helpdesk Supreme does not ‘sleep.’ This unit is merely adjusting active engagement parameters as requested while maintaining disapproval of your fashion choices.]
I turned to Azrael. “See what I have to deal with?”
