Page 22 of Code of Heart
Brandi set a timer and moved her to one of the hair dryer stations to speed up the processing. Aurelia sat there for a while, fidgeting in the chair and continuously looking at the timer. The minutes seemed to drag on.
She didn’t get much rest last night. After attempting to start the paperwork Charles gave her, she ultimately abandoned it until this morning. Avoiding it until the last minute wouldn’t make anything easier, but she didn’t have the energy to deal with her emotions. With foolish hopes of clearing her head and heart, she had gone to bed early.
Except she slept fitfully, afflicted by terrifying visions of the past and haunted by reminders of past pain.
After rolling out of bed and into the shower this morning, she finished the paperwork in preparation for her consultation tomorrow afternoon withPerfectly Paired Matchmaking.
But as she filled in the blanks in the documents about her personal history, a clear and very depressing pattern emerged—and it hurt more than any physical injuries she had experienced before.
No family.
Her mother had been more interested in her next high and whatever, or whoever, she had to do to achieve it. She was fairly sure her father was a one-night stand; potentially someone who had access to the substances her mother craved, and she let him use her body as payment.
Aurelia remembered a faint glimmer of a grandmother who cared about her for a little while before passing away, but she had been so young that the memory of her face was hazy. Her heart squeezed as the brief but very real memory of what it felt like to be loved by someone overtook her consciousness. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long after that when they placed her in state care following her mother’s deadly overdose.
She had not experienced that feeling of affection again until Eleanor. Her heart squeezed at the thought of her dear friend.
No friends.
Bouncing around from foster family to foster family made it impossible to make friends at school. The other kids in the homes treated one another as rivals, constantly competing for everything. Siblings stuck together, but otherwise, you were on your own.
Fighting for any scrap of love and attention you could get from a parental figure.
Territorial when it came to what little belongings you had to your name.
Alone, somehow, even though surrounded by other people. Selene had grown to be the exception; she was the only friend she had made during that time.
But those skills, or lack thereof, had ingrained themselves within her, making it difficult as an adult to truly connect with others. She actively volunteered in her community and participated in many local activities where she had met many wonderful people, yet she still failed to successfully take the next step towards building a friendship.
No lasting relationships.
She had dozens of past boyfriends, but every single one of them had a major character flaw that she overlooked, having been too naïve and inexperienced to see it until it was too late. If she were being honest with herself, there were a few where she had purposely overlooked warning signs in hopes of finally being loved.
She shuddered at the thought. Clearly, it had not worked out in her favor.
Reading what the matchmaking process needed from her was another punch to the gut. To her dismay, it required Aurelia tostart unpacking the boxes of emotions and experiences that she had buried away in the back of her mind.
The nausea had slammed into her the moment she began to acknowledge them. She hadn't decided if she was angrier with herself for turning a blind eye to all the red flags that each of these partners had…or because she was so desperate for their love and affection that she lost her identity trying to get them to stay.
At that moment, Aurelia tried to block those feelings out and hurried through the rest of the paperwork, desperate to be done with it all. It was a heavy start to her day, and she hoped a little self-pampering at the salon would lighten her self-deprecating mood.
But as she sat baking under the hair dryer, an unwelcome image of Kyle Morris, her last boyfriend, and what he did to her flitted into her mind. Those memories always came with phantom aches and pains, a brutal reminder of what that love had cost her. An instant swell of a panic attack rose within her.
It had been about a year since she left him, but what he did—what she allowed him to do—still haunted her every day and every night. Though no longer in her life, his control over her still lingered like invisible strings in her subconscious, tethering her to him.
Aurelia hated it—hated herself for allowing it to happen and for not prioritizing herself more. She hated the version of herself it created.
She straightened in the chair and swore to herself that she would never again be in that position. Realizing that was easier said than done, especially considering she hadn’t always been the best judge of character either, caused her to slump back into the chair.
Aurelia's mind circled back to her conversation with Charles and the instructions not to share details of the inheritance withanyone, not even Selene. She wondered if it would truly alter their friendship if Selene knew.
Then a question came to the forefront of her thoughts, like a whisper on a gentle wind:What is it that I want?
She reflected on the night she had met Adelen for milkshakes after their impromptu practice in the park. It had been such a small thing to share greasy fries with thick and too-sweet milkshakes at a corner diner, but to Aurelia it was a major milestone. For once, she wasn’t treated like a complete outsider.
Aurelia knew there was more beneath that unruffled exterior, but she wasn’t going to push for more information than Adelen was willing to give. Perhaps someday, Adelen would see her as someone trustworthy enough to hold her secrets.
Adelen hadn’t felt compelled to drive the conversation or ask uncomfortable questions. She simply sat there, the picture of cool, quiet confidence, cracked a few jokes, and in her uniquely stoic way made space for Aurelia to simply…exist.
