Page 116 of Crazy In Love
“Because he’s hurt! That’s who he is, Fox. He feelsdeeply, and now the woman he loves is leaving the country. Maybe we disagree with his coping mechanisms, but we don’t get to dictate them. He’s in survival mode now, so if he wants to lock himself away to cope, then there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it.”
“He could’ve told me he loves me!” I cry out, drawing eyes and cautious steps back from those around me. “He could’ve been brave, the way you expect me to be brave, and he could’ve spoken up. But he didn’t. And then he didn’t even have the decency to hug me goodbye. I haven’t seen his face since your fucking wedding. And that just…” I viciously swipe treacherous tears from my cheeks. “It sucks, okay! I’ve spent my whole lifenotbeing picked, so excuse me for a minute while I try to pick myself up.Again.”
“Fox—”
“I thought I was gonna get my Disney moment,” I whimper. “I’m the princess whose parents ran out on her, so obviously,myprince wouldn’t do that. Chris is averse to crowds. Hehateshaving eyes on him. So I was kinda hoping for aLloyd Doblerending.”
“Llo—” She pauses. “What?”
“You know in the movie how he’s got the boombox over his head? He wanted her to know he loved her, Lana. That’s what I want.”
“This isn’t a movie,” she groans. “Not everything comes with a neat little bow.”
“But I want the bow! I want him to want me. Loud. Proud. I want him to make it a big deal because that’s whatIneed. And he’s…”Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying! “I was so sure he was gonna do it at the wedding.” I wipe my stupid, leaking nose. “He said he wanted to talk after. Then he asked me to dance. I thoughtthatwas my movie moment.”
“But then Booker ruined it.”
“Then Chris cut and run.” I wipe my cheek and look across as the light above the carousel illuminates and the belt begins circling.Bet my case willbe the last one to come out. “You spent so much time talking about howheneeded direct communication. How specialheis and how it’s my job to talk straight. But I need that, too. I need ‘I choose you, Fox’. I need ‘I’m in it for life. I’ll never leave.’ I need someone to choose me because as it stands, I’m an almost-thirty-year-old loser who has retained literally zero relationships because everyone always leaves.”
“She sighs, pained and sad. “Fox?—”
“Let me wallow for a while. Let me be mad and pathetic. I’m allowed to feel this way, and if you loved me at all, you’d agree.”
“Agree that you’re pathetic and pitiful?” she scoffs. “Guess we’re gonna fight about it then because, dammit, you’re supposed to make your own destiny. Stop bitching, and stop expecting someone else’s love to dictate how you feel about yourself.”
“That’s not what I?—”
“You want to live in Plainview, but you’ll only do it if Chris wants you? No! You want to live in Rome, but only if no one is chasing you around the world? Get the hell out of here with that corny bullshit. You want to live in New York, but you’re only happy if a man is there with you? Fuck off with that shit. You’re better than this, Fox!”
“Alana—”
“We get it, okay? Your parents suck. You were hurt. You place self-worth in the hands of those around you. But can you make a decision for yourself for once in your fucking life? Be whereveryouwant to be. Do whateveryouwant to do. Do it foryou. Findyourhappiness. Then, once you’re settled and loving yourself like the rest of us love you,that’swhen everything else will click into place.”
My jaw trembles with the sob I want so badly to give in to. My eyes burn with the tears filling them. My throat, even, warms with emotion.
“You’re being mean to me.” I sniffle. “I probably could’ve done without the tough love today.”
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs. “It breaks my heart to see you hurt.”
“But I need to choose me.” I lick my lips and scrub my eyes, clearing my view of the cases finally rolling onto the conveyor belt. “You’re saying no one else will be with me as much as I’m with me. So I have to love myself and yada yada yada.”
She chokes out a tearful laugh. “Yada, yada, yada. Basically. Maybe Romeisthe right choice for you. Away from Chris. Away from us, even. It’ll just be you, which’ll force you to dig deep and find out who you really are. Maybe in five years, you’ll come back an Italian-speaking goddess who knows she’s a bad bitch, because although I like remindingyou every chance I get, I would much rather knowyourbrain tells you, too.”
Passengers come and go, rushing toward the conveyor belt when they see their luggage and clearing out a single second later when they’ve got their things. The crowd ebbs and flows, and with them, my emotions.
“I really love him, ya know?” I drag my palms across my face and wipe my tears. “He made me feel like I could conquer the world. Which is kinda new, since I’m usually winging life.”
“I know you love him.” She exhales a long, gentle sigh that creates a picture in my mind of her rocking her sweet baby. Swaying in the muted light. Existing inside the life she always dreamed of. “I even know how you feel today. I’ve left a Watkins behind, too. I’ve walked into a new city, praying he would chase after me, but terrified that he would, too. I know you so well, Fox, because you and I are too damn similar. We were hurt by the people who were supposed to protect us, and then we rebuilt each other with the kind of love only a couple of lost girls could summon.”
“It was safe,” I whimper. “It was easy.”
“And then we had to grow up. I faced my ghosts, Fox. But you keep running from yours.”
“I’m not running?—”
“Vietnam,” she counters. “Canada. Poland. Austria. You’ve beeneverywhere. You’ll goanywhere, so long as you don’t have to stare at yourself in the mirror.”
“Ouch.” I press a hand to my aching heart and groan. “That was mean.”
