Page 108 of Crazy In Love
I grit my teeth, breathless as my heart somersaults in my chest. “How do you suppose he’d receivewe’re just friends?Because I might’ve just said that when someone,” I hook a thumb over my shoulder, “out there, said we looked cute together.”
“Just friends?” Groaning, she drops her head back. “You said that right to his face?”
I’m a shitty, sorry, horrible person. “Yes?”
“That’s great!” she snarls, startling Hazel and shoving away from me. “Totally great.We should have sex, but don’t tell anyone. We should remain a secret, but I also want to get dinner with younot in secret. I love you, but I’ll tell people we’re just friends. What the hell is wrong with you, Fox? Why do you insist on sabotaging your happiness?”
“I—”
“Don’t even answer that question!” She throws her hand up to stop me. “I knowwhy! I knowyou. I also know I’d like to go back twenty years and kick some asses because your parents destroyed a woman who was born to be great. You’re beautiful and smart, Fox! You’re successful and witty and so freakin’ selfless, it makes me want to slam my head against a wall. You’re everything other people wish they could be.”
“You’re exaggerating.”Tell me more. I’m begging you.
“We see you walking by and think, ‘holy shit, she’s really got it all.’Looks. Legs. Ass. Hair. She’s from New York, and she loves her job. You actuallylooklike you won at life, Fox. But inside your dumb head, you’re telling yourself you don’t fit in. You’re hammering home a reminder that everyone eventually leaves, so why get close in the first place?”
“You left.”Shut up. Shut up. Shut the hell up! “You knowallof me, and you still left.”
“I left for my mom! I left for Franky. And Tommy. And Chris! I left because you told me to, and then you made me promise that even if you begged for me to stay, I would still go. I left to save my life, Fox, and I left with your blessing.”
“I know. You’re right. I’m sor?—”
“I left,knowingit would break both of our hearts. Butyoupromised that if things were bad and you needed us, you’d tell me. So that brings us right back around to you being a lying liar.”
“You need to ignore me.” I spin, if only so I don’t have to look into her eyes, and wander the office, patting Hazel’s back and dipping with every second step to soothe a baby who doesn’t really need to be soothed. “I’m a mental case, Alana. Weknowthat! Jesus, there wasn’t a single moment in time that we thought differently. Today is your wedding day, and your guests are waiting outside. So let’s just…” I shake my head and turn back. “Let’s put this away for now so we can enjoy what today truly means.”
“Today means love,” she spits out. “Today means promising myself to another person, even if it scares me. It’s about expanding my family, even if, a year ago, I never would’ve guessed it was possible.” She stalks forward and points a dangerous finger in my face. “Today is about being brave and allowing someone else to hold my heart, and when we say our vows, it’s about trusting that other person to keep it safe.”
“And I’m so happy you get this.” I knuckle a tear from beneath my eye. “Truly, I really am. You deserve all of this, Lana. I’m honored I get to be a part of it. Even if I’m a totally annoying mental case who needs an intervention and a redo on those formative years.”
She lowers her hand, scrunching her nose and lips like an angry little pit bull.Angry. She’s so, so angry. “I’m going out there in a minute, and I’m doing all the vows stuff. Because I love Thomas Watkins.”
“Good.” I swallow, forcing an icky lump of nerves down my throat. “I’ll join you.”
“But before we go, I wanna ask you a question, and I want you to answer like he’s not listening. Don’t worry,” she drawls. “He’s not. This is just me and you. Just like it was me and you when I told you about Grady. Same as it was me and you when you told me about your parents.”
“You’ve done a wonderful job keeping all of that secret,” I rasp. “I appreciate your silence.”
“Shut up. You don’t get to be witty right now.” She takes another step closer, staring deep into my eyes. “Do you love Christian? With your heart. The kind of love I have for Tommy. Do you see yourself continuing to love him, so if the world was less sucky, and you both lived in the same place, and none of those roadblocks existed between you, would your love for him remain, even though he can be kind of annoying and quirky sometimes?”
“Yes.” Fuck it. He’s not listening. “Yes, I love Christian Watkins with my heart. And if the world sucked less, I could see myself spending the next few decades loving him, not in spite of the annoying, quirky things he does. Butbecauseof them. I love that he has a special fork, and I love that he fights for it. I love that he buys really expensive linen, not because he’s fancy, but because they’re less itchy on his skin. I love—” I pause. Frown. “No, Ihatethat he can’t sleep at night. But I love that when he sleeps with me, he gets a full eight hours and never wants to get up. I love that he owns a dozen of the same shirts and hangs them in his closet and rotates through them every single day, because they’re comfortable and he knows what he likes. I love that he teaches kids how to fight, and he’s so gentle about it. But he also trains Tommy and other adults, and he’snotgentle with them. I love that he plays chess for fun and considers a quiet evening reading a book a night well spent. Most of all, I love that he tolerates me, annoying tendencies and all.I’mitchy sheets, Alana. I’m the wrong fork. I’m noisy and messy and weird.I’mthe problem, but dammit, he sleeps better when I’m around, and he smiles more when we’re alone.”
“That’s called love, you dummy.” Softening, she steps closer and takes her baby, robbing me of the sweet, warm lump sleeping on my chest. “If you think you’re itchy sheets and the wrong fork, but he still chooses you, then you’re not itchy sheets at all. You’re exactly right for him. And he’s exactly right for you. But you’re both so friggin’ terrified of being rejected that neither of you will be brave enough to stand up and say what needs to be said. You’re being dumb!”
“You’re being mean.”
“Tell. Him. How. You. Feel!” She smacks my arm, one for each word she throws out. “If I remember my wedding daynotby the vows I made, or the man I make them to, and instead, because my maid of honor pissed me off, I swear to God, I’ll dedicate my anniversary to talking shit about you. Every single year, Tommy and I will clink a glass of champagne and roast the shit out of you.”
Scowling, I drop my lips and chin forward. “That’s unkind. And not a healthy way to celebrate your relationship.”
“How would you know!? You’re the poster child for unhealthy relationships. Hell, you made friends with a homeless, broke, pregnant hillbilly. Forgive me fornottaking your advice on the matter.”
“You’re on a roll, huh?” Sulking, I rub my arm and pray her red handprints will fade before the photographer starts. “You’re getting all fired up on hatred when you’re supposed to be loved up and dreamy-eyed.”
“Tell him how you feel! Now let’s go. I have a wedding to attend.” She stalks to the office door and yanks it open, startling Eliza on the other side whose hand is up, ready to knock.
“Uh…” She looks from Alana to me. Then, back to Alana. “It’s time.”
“I’m on my way. Here!” She thrusts Hazel into her arms, then turning back, she snatches my hand. “Please hold my baby. Fox can’t because she’s got some shit to do.”
