Page 110 of Crazy In Love
“Christian?” He grabs my shoulder. “The fuck did you just say?”
“I have enough savings to last me a while. Could even sell the house, which’d get me something smaller in the city. It would suck a little, to trade the house and land we always wanted for a shoebox apartment. But that, and my savings, would make it so I don’t have to worry about homelessness or anything.”
He yanks me around and hits me with the intensity of his stare. “You’re leaving?”
“I don’t think I have any other choice. I might destroy us while I’m doing it, since I’ll be sitting at this hypothetical apartment all day long, waiting for her to come home and spend a few hours with me. So my mental health will probably turn shit, and then I’ll take it out on her, picking fights and making what was happy, miserable. But I can’t stomach the idea of letting her leave without me.” I search his eyes—terrified, though he tries to hide it—and pretend his fear isn’t mine, too. “Half of me thinks I’m crazy ‘cos this was a temporary thing, and no one should make life choices based on six weeks of bickering. The other half of me thinks if I let her go, I’ll die anyway.”
He releases my shoulder and rests his elbows on his knees, leaning over his legs and exhaling a heavy breath. “You let me go to New York that time. You didn’t fight me when I followed Alana, even though we both knew I might not come back. Now it’s my turn to watch you go.”
“You were the one who suggested it.”
He chokes out a frantic, un-funny chuckle. “Yeah! And now I’m starting to sweat. Fuck.”
“It’s the right thing to do, right?” My heart pounds and my stomachswirls. I feel sick at the thought of going and sick at the thought of staying. “We’re not kids anymore, Tommy. We’re not broke. So, you leaving ten years ago is not the same as me leaving now. We can fly across and see each other. And Fox will visit Alana and the kids, too. This isn’t as permanent as it sounds. But I need you to tell me this is the right thing to do.”
“You want me to tell you to go?” He drags his fingers through his hair, frustrated and scratching. “Jesus, Chris. There’s what I think you should do,for you. And there’s what I want you to do,for me. And then there’s something in the middle, something really fucking terrifying. Because I worry you’ll spend all that time waiting for her to finish work. Waiting for her to get home. Waiting for her to come to bed.” He shakes his head. “I’m worried about the damage you’ll do to your soul. Scared I won’t be there to protect you.”
“It’s not your job to protect me anymore.” I reach across and drop my hand on the back of his head. It’s a hug. Sort of. An embrace, but without making it weird. “You’ve spent your whole life taking my beatings. Stepping between me and Grady because you thought that was your purpose.”
“Chris—”
“I’ve spentmywhole life watching you and Alana fall in love. Watching youbein love. I got to see it up close and personal, and I thought to myself a million times that if I ever got to love likethat, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make it work.”
With a grunt, he tilts his head forward and studies the ground. “Right.”
“I fell in love like that.” I press my hand over my heart. “I fell in love with someone I can’t live without. So if you give me your blessing…” I draw a shaking breath. “If you tell me it’s okay, then I’m gonna go with her. I don’t know what’ll happen in the future or if we’ll even work out, but Idoknow that watching her fly away will kill me before I get a chance to see.”
“Then I guess you have my blessing.” He claps my shoulder, squeezing. “I’ve takenusfor granted for a really long time. Always assuming you’d be wherever I was. But I won’t ask you to stay where your Alana isn’t.”
I nod my thanks, because words won’t come.
“If it was me, and I knew Alana was leaving, I’d already be sitting on the plane, waiting for her to find her seat beside mine.”
I grab him and pull him in for a hug. It’s awkward and on the side. But it’s touch, and we both need it. At least, I sure as fuck do. “This whole thing’s gonna be embarrassing as hell if she says she doesn’t want me to come.”
“Humiliating,” he chuckles. “And a little soul-destroying. But if it’s any consolation, Alana’s pissy mood is a good sign there’s something here. Shesees it. I see it. This is love, and it’s not just in your head. As long as it’s real, it’s worth fighting for, right?”
“Something about love and war.” I straighten out and scrub my hands over my face. “It doesn’t have to be easy. But it’ll be worth it.”
“It was for me.” He takes my beer and flashes a gentle, barely there smile. “I wouldn’t change any of it, even if the time Ididn’thave her damn near killed me.”
“Here’s hoping I don’t have to wait ten years for this.” I push up to my feet and fix my shirt. Fuck knows the material is itchy as hell. Then I run my fingers through my hair and catch Fox’s curious gaze from halfway across the room.
She sees me. I see her.
She dances with Franky, but dammit, she’s keeping an eye on me, too.
“You might need to go to Alana,” I murmur. “Because I’m about to make a scene, and if you read your wife wrong and shedoesn’tknow about us, then I reckon things are gonna get noisy.”
“Holding her back and kissing away her fury. One of my favorite things to do.” Chuckling, he stands and moves around to face me, his back presented to the rest of the room and his hands coming down to fix my collar. “I’m gonna support whatever choice you make, okay? Wherever you go, whatever you do. If you leave me, I promise to only complain about it to my wife. Never to your face.”
I snort. “Thanks.” Stepping around him and onto the temporary dance floor, I try not to focus on the nerves burning in my veins. The nausea in my stomach. I ignore the moisture trickling along my spine, and good fucking lord, I pretend I don’t see Alana’s careful prowl as she, too, approaches her best friend.
She’s about to fuck me up, if I fuck this up.
My palms turn sweaty, and eyes follow my progress through the dancing crowd. Elbows bump my arms, and couples make out.
Jesus. They’re all watching.
