Page 89 of Colton
“And yet, you’re here,” Dr. Hartley points out, her voice soft but insistent. “You’re seeking help, trying to find a way forward.”
I meet her gaze, my jaw set in determination. She’s right. I am here, fighting against the tide of my past, struggling to forge a new path. I won’t let the estate, or the memories it holds, define me. I won’t let Xavier’s legacy become my own.
“I am,” I agree, my voice steady and sure. “Because I need Luella back. She won’t want me like this.”
Dr. Hartley studies me before scribbling something on her pad. The voices seize their moment, crippling me once again.
She’s not going to help you get Luella back, you fool! She will report you; she’s probably already figured out who you really are.
Kill her too! She has no right to know these things.
Then, my father’s voice.
He’s too weak to do the right thing. He’s a disgrace to the Blackwood name.
I rock in my seat and tug on my hair until it stings my scalp, mumbling at the voices to shut the fuck up.
Dr. Hartley’s pen pauses, her gaze sharpening with concern. “Ray, are you alright? You seem distressed.”
I grimace, trying to disguise the internal war as a moment of discomfort. “I’m fine,” I lie. “Just...memories. They can be overwhelming.”
She nods, understanding but not entirely convinced. “Would you like to take a break? We can continue when you're ready.”
I shake my head, determined to push through. “No. I need to do this.” I need to confront the chaos in my head, exorcize the demons that haunt me.
She watches me for a moment before continuing. “You mentioned Luella. Tell me about your relationship with her.”
My relationship with Luella...it’s a fucked-up concoction of obsession, fascination, and fear. She’s the only person who has ever looked at me and seen not just the monster, but the man beneath. She challenged me, defied me, and ultimately, she left me.
“Luella is...unique,” I begin, struggling to find the right words. “She saw through me, saw the darkness, and she wasn’t afraid. She pushed back, fought me at every turn. She was...is...a force to be reckoned with.”
I find myself smiling a small, sad smile. “She made me feel alive, Doc. She made me feel like there was a chance, a chance to be something other than the monster my father created.”
Dr. Hartley leans in, her interest piqued. “But she left?”
The smile fades, replaced by a familiar ache. “She had to. I...I did things, things that drove her away.” I hesitate, unsure of how much to reveal. “I tried to control her. I thought...I thought Icould keep her safe, keep her with me. But I couldn’t protect her from myself.”
The therapist is silent for a moment, absorbing my words. “You said you need her back. Why?”
“Because she’s the only one who understands,” I answer, leaning forward, my eyes locked onto hers. “She's the only one who sees me, really sees me. She knew the darkness, knew the monster, and she accepted it. She accepted me.”
I realize I’m clutching the arms of the chair, my knuckles white. I force myself to relax, to release my grip. “Without her, I’m lost. I’m just...” I don’t even finish the sentence because I don’t know what I am.
Dr. Hartley’s expression is thoughtful, considering. “And what do you think Luella wants?”
The question takes me aback. I open my mouth to reply, then close it again. WhatdoesLuella want? I’ve been so consumed by my own needs, my own desires, that I’ve barely stopped to consider hers.
“I...I don’t know,” I admit, the realization striking me like a physical blow.
The therapist nods, as if this revelation is a step in the right direction. “Perhaps,” she suggests gently, “the first step in moving forward, in finding a way back to Luella, is understanding what she wants. What she needs.”
I sink back into the chair, my mind racing. WhatdoesLuella want?
“You’re right,” I agree, a sense of resolve settling over me. “I need to find out what she wants. What she needs.”
A small smile tugs at the corners of Dr. Hartley’s mouth. “It’s a start, Ray,” she says. “It’s a start.”
I step out of the therapist’s office, the soft click of the door closing behind me echoing through the sterile hallway. The session was supposed to help, to untangle the mess of thoughtsand emotions that have been consuming me. But all I feel is more conflicted, more torn.
