Page 28 of The Trailer Park Twink
“And if you think you’re leaving me alone with these three, you’re sorely mistaken. Get your ass back on this couch, Austin.”
Dammit.
Ah, hell. And now Ezra’s watching. His eyes find mine, and I swear to God, for a second, it almost looks like they’ve turned red like a cartoon character. “Not on your fucking life,” Ezra says, pushing his swoopy brown hair away from his eyes. He marches toward me like a man on an unstoppable mission, then drives his bony finger into my chest.
“Ouch!”
“Now you listen to me. I’ve had it up to here with the way you constantly abandon us,” he says, pointing at the ceiling. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”
“Dallas sent me a text—” He pokes my chest again, harder this time, making me squeak. I slap his hand away and take a step back, but he just takes a step forward, bridging the gap.
“Dallas, Dallas, Dallas. It’s always Dallas. You’ve been doing this for months, and it’s not okay. For God’s sake, this entire acapella ensemble was your idea, yet the moment Daddy Big-Dick needs you, you leave us in a lurch. It’s fucking rude.” He points at Brian. “I told you this would happen, didn’t I? I told you he was going to try to leave us high and dry again. Everyone, get your letters out. This ends right here, right now.”
“Letters?” I ask.
He nods, and there’s this unhinged smirk curling in the corner of his mouth. “We’ve had enough. Tell him, Jamie.”
“Ez, I don’t really know about this—” His words end abruptly when Ezra gives him the same cartoon-villain eyes he just gave me.
“I’m sorry . . . What was that?”
Jamie swallows, shaking his head nervously as he pulls a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and unfolds it. “Dear Aussie,” Jamie whispers, he’s holding the sheet of paper right against his face like he’s trying to hide behind it. “When Imoved to Tallulah, you were the best friend I could’ve hoped for.” He peeks over his paper, mouthing, “You still are. Don’t tell Ezra I said so,” before clearing his throat and continuing. “Then you started masturbating for strangers on the internet, hoping your stepdad would subscribe to your OnlyFans. You shoot load after load, hoping it will eventually rain on Daddy, but that endless cumstorm is clouding your vision. You’re lost in an endless t-t-t . . .” He stares up at Ezra, his eyes looking more confused than I’ve ever seen them.
“Tsunami,” Ezra clarifies.
“Tsunami,” Jamie says slowly, then nods. “You’re lost in an endless tsunami of depravity, and your friends are supposed to be your raincoat, but we can’t keep you dry if you forget us at home. It’s not that we don’t fully support your unhealthy obsession with a man who’s twice your age—”
“He’s literally not.”
“—We just can’t support your blatant disregard for your prior obligations,” he finishes, and I know he didn’t write a single word of his letter, aside from the sassy masturbation quip, because the poor boy is simple. He doesn’t know big words. I don’t know if there’s a twink version of a himbo, but if there is, that’s our Jamie. A twimbo, perhaps?
I scowl at Ezra. “Did you write that for him?” Jamie nods, but Ezra just shakes his head and holds his hands up in mock surrender. “I will annihilate you. You should be on your knees,thanking the stars I’m not pulling out my laundry list of complaints about you. I could have Deirdre read it aloud for the class and everything.”
“I will,” she says, her eyes narrowed into slits as she stares at the disastrous double denim. “And after trying to force me to wear that piece of shit, I’ll do it with a fucking smile. I amnotDouble-denim Britney. I’m obviously Toxic Music Video Flight Attendant Britney.”
“For fuck’s sake. Stick to the plan, people. We’re losing the plot. Deirdre, read your letter.”
She pulls out a piece of paper, taking her time unfolding it, then stares at its contents with pride. When she flips the page around, it simply says, “Hard pass.”
Ezra groans. “Do you know what? Fine. Fine! If you want us to look like absolute fools on stage, then this is on your head. I want you to remember that.”
“And I want you to remember that if you ever speak to me in that tone of voice again, I’m telling your full-blown father that you used to sniff his underwear while you masturbated as a teen.”
He gapes at her. “I told you that in confidence!” With scarlet cheeks, he clears his throat and aims his gaze at Brian. “I know you’ll have my back. Read yours, Bry.”
“If it’s anything like the last one,” I interrupt, “I don’t want to hear a word of it. What the fuck even is this? You’re justtalking shit about me in an open forum. It’s hateful. You don’t hear me telling people you have an unhealthy kink for ejaculating into condoms and throwing them at cute guys like water balloons.”
He narrows his eyes. “There’s one in my pocket right now, and if you don’t sit your ass down and listen to these heartfelt letters, I’m gonna pop it on your face.”
“You keep your stagnant fucking semen away from me!”
“Dear Aussie,” Brian interrupts, and when I turn to face him, he has tears pouring down his face. He wipes his eyes and sniffles. “Your addiction to all things Dallas has impacted my life negatively in the following ways—”
When it finally clicks—when I realize what the hell the shitshow unfolding before me really is—I gape at Ezra. “Wait. Is this an intervention?”
“Yes,” Brian answers for him. “And I’ve rehearsed this speech for weeks. Stop stealing the spotlight.” He closes his eyes, nods, and whispers, “And, action.” I blink at him. “Your unhealthy obsession with your stepfather has negatively impacted me in the following ways. Well, ‘way’, I guess. There’s only been just one instance.”
I close my eyes and sigh. “Not the Santa Barbara story again. I’ve apologized at least a thousand times.”
