Page 80 of Unmasking Mayhem
Our eyes lock, and the space between us crackles with a longing that feels almost tangible. Slowly, as if drawn by an invisible force, I close the distance. I cup her face in my hands,my thumbs stroking her skin with a tenderness that sends shivers down her spine.
“Whitney,” I murmur, searching her gaze for permission.
She nods almost imperceptibly, and then I lean in, capturing her lips with mine in a kiss both tentative and fervent. It's a kiss that speaks of years of unexpressed emotions, of love that had been simmering beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to boil over.
As our lips move together, the world outside fades away. All the hurt, the fear, and the haunting memories begin to dissolve, replaced by an all-encompassing warmth. We fall into each other, our bodies melting together as if we've been waiting for this moment our entire lives. I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her closer as she deepens the kiss, pouring her heart into it.
The kiss feels like a confession, a declaration of everything we've never said out loud. I can feel her body responding, softening against mine as if the kiss alone could wash away our shared pain. It’s in the way she arches her back, leaning into me, and I can sense the strength she finds in our connection, how desperately we both crave solace in each other.
But the flickering lights of reality threaten to burn away this moment. I can hear the muffled sounds of the world outside—laughter from the streets, the faint thump of music, and the distant hum of our friends remaining in the living room. For a fleeting instant, it feels like we’re suspended in our own universe where nothing else matters. Then, suddenly, guilt creeps in—a dark whisper that curls around my heart. I pull away just enough to look into Whitney’s eyes, searching for any sign of hesitation, any flicker of doubt in her expression.
“What if we’re just trying to fill a void?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. “What if this is just a reaction to everything that’s happened?”
She furrows her brow, the vulnerability in her eyes making my heart ache all over again. “I don’t think it is. I think… I think this is us finding each other again.” She wipes a stray tear from her cheek, her voice steady despite the emotions flooding over her. “You’ve always been a part of me. I don’t want that to change. Especially now.”
A knot forms in my throat as the enormity of her words washes over me. “Whit, I…,” I stammer, stumbling over the thoughts threatening to spill into the open. “I’m scared.”
“Me too,” she admits, her eyes shining with a mixture of determination and fear. “But we can’t let fear dictate our lives. We owe it to ourselves—and to Carter—to find a way through this.”
I nod, feeling the pulse of her words settle in. We've lost so much, yet here we stand, alive and breathing, on the precipice of something new. I want to believe that we can find a way to heal from the ashes of our past, but that belief comes at a price—one I didn’t know if I could afford. But I know I can't. No one can change my mind about my future, not even my best friend or the girl of my dreams—and that's how I know that it needs to happen.
“I don’t want to be a burden,” I whisper, dropping my eyes from hers. “I don’t want you to carry my darkness when you’re already struggling with your own.”
“Stop it,” she says, gently lifting my chin with her fingers, forcing me to look back at her. “We’re all struggling. That doesn’t mean we can’t lean on each other. Love isn’t a burden, Hawk; it’s shared strength. We have to let each other in, even on our worst days.”
Her words echo in my mind, a melody devoid of easy solutions but filled with promise. I open my mouth to argue, to succumb to the doubt that creeps back in, when I catch sight of the sincerityin her gaze. She’s showing me that vulnerability doesn’t mean weakness. It means we’re all in this mess together.
“I can't,” I finally relent, a reflecting glimmer of hope igniting within me. “I can’t promise I’ll be okay.”
“It’s okay to not be okay,” she reassures me. “But we’ll figure it out. And I promise to be there every step of the way.”
Her gentle conviction washes over me, and I feel something in me begin to crack. For the first time in what feels like forever, I have someone beside me—an anchor in the chaos, a light piercing through the darkness. It’s terrifying and beautiful all at once because it's way too fucking late.
“I wish we could let go of the past, or at least try to carry it differently.” I murmur, my eyes never leaving hers.
“The past is a part of us, Hawk. We can’t outrun it, but it doesn’t have to define our future.”
With those words, a surge of emotions washes over me. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I nod, my heart closing just a little more. “It defines mine.”
As we meld back into each other, I feel the intensity of her love envelop me, like a shield against the darkness gnawing at my soul. Whitney's kiss is nourishing, like a cure to wounds both old and new. We kiss again, this time softer but just as consuming—a promise of hope wrapped in vulnerability.
twenty-five
defeated
hours later
Hawk
Iris: Goo Goo Dolls
Time slips away from us as the tension that once filled the air begins to lighten, but the tension in my heart continues to thicken. We eventually join Red and Raze in the living room, laughter flowing as their conversation drifts steadily away from the solemnity they'd carried. I try to sit down and force a smileto grace my lips as Whitney sits on my lap, but the muscles in my cheeks don't seem to want to cooperate.
The drugs I laced my blunt with are almost in full effect, making me completely numb and void of all feeling and emotion. I need it this way. I had a glimmer of hope that tonight something would change my mind about ending my life, but it didn't. It just reminded me of why I need to do it, of why they'll be better off without me.
My eyes shut as I fight back tears, the voices in my head making my forehead crease as terror flashes beneath my lids. I curl my arm around Whitney as tight as I can, opening my eyes back up to see hers boring into mine, wet with unshed tears. Does she know what I'm planning? Whitney smiles through her tears, pulling me into an embrace that feels like the very fabric of survival. The night air swirls around us, carrying the lingering whispers of our grief. She squeezes my thigh and leans in close, resting her cheek against my chest, listening to the unsteady beating of my shattered heart.
Breaking the profound moment between us, I glance around the room, wanting one last glimpse of the closest people to me. My expression dulls, and sadness clouds my features at the thought of leaving everyone behind. But I need to. I can't continue to be an unwanted visitor in my own body. I can't deal with the guilt, the grief, or the pain anymore.
