Page 80 of Beautiful Ruins
Disappointment.
And his disappointment carved deeper than anyone’s—it always had.
He topped up his glass and leaned against the edge of the couch, the amber liquid trembling in his grip. He didn’t turn, just stared through the window at the yard, now black and eerie under the moon.
“Can you just leave it, Sadie?” he said, his voice rough and barely audible.
It was my turn to laugh, but it came out small and sad. “Please just talk to me.” My voice shook. “For once. Please?”
He whipped around so fast I flinched, instinctivelybracing for the crash. For a second I thought he might throw the glass at the wall.
Instead, his eyes locked with mine, golden and burning and wild. “Talk to you?” he said, scoffing. “Why? You don’t seem to think talking to me about things is important, so why should I?”
“Seriously, Rowan? Are you kidding? You’re the one who shuts down every time I try.” All the frustration and tension poured out with my words, and the air crackled like static, the hairs on my arms standing on end.
“Me?” He frowned even as a flicker of realisation passed over his features. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what it means,” I snapped, my voice rising. “You’ve held me at arm’s length this whole time. You won’t even let me in.”
Rowan’s hand tightened around the glass. “Because you left me, Sadie!” His eyes burned into mine, the muscles in his neck straining, veins bulging. “I needed you, and you fucking left me. It goddamn broke me. I didn’t just lose Logan—I lost you, too. You were the only family I had left. You really think I want to live through that shit again?” His voice cracked, and he shook his head, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. “Not a fucking chance. But you just keep putting yourself in danger. What the fuck am I supposed to be without you, Firefly?”
His words slammed into me like a punch to the gut, knocking the air from my lungs. I stumbled backward, my legs unsteady beneath me.
“You . . . you think it was easy for me to leave?” I choked out, the words barely above a whisper. “I couldn’t stand to look at Logan’s window for one second longer. I didn’t have a choice.”
Rowan descended on me, stopping just close enough for the heat of his body to swallow me whole. “You think it washard for you?” He jabbed a finger against his sternum. “I had to live in this same fucking house, walk past that room every single day. The same room I found my little brother hanging in.”
Silent tears tracked down his face, catching in the light. He swiped at them as he hurled the whiskey glass at the wall. It hit with such force, the glass exploded, scattering across the floor as the amber liquid streaked down the wall and soaked into the carpet.
The scent of whiskey filled the room, mixing with our shared grief. Our history.
A sob ripped from my throat. I stepped forward, hand half-raised, not to reach for him, but to catch myself if he shoved me away. “Ro?—”
He held up a hand, squeezing his eyes shut as though he was trying to block out the world—or just me. “Don’t, Sadie,” he said, his voice low. “Whatever it is you’re going to say, I don’t want to hear it.”
All the anger that had been raging through me disappeared, replaced by an aching sadness I knew all too well. And it seemed so did Rowan.
My chest tightened, and all I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms. He’d never shown me this side of himself—broken, raw, and achingly beautiful.
I took another step closer, and he stiffened. He swallowed hard but didn’t move. Instead, he tracked my every movement. My heart pounded in my chest as I put one foot in front of the other, then another, until I was so close I could feel the heat radiating off him. He stared me down, silent and storm-eyed, as tears traced lines down his face and darkened the collar of his shirt.
He was no longer hiding from me. Now, he was handing me the part of himself that was made purely for me. In oneblinding moment, we’d gone from dancing around each other, to full-blown annihilation.
Maybe tomorrow he’d shut me out again. But for tonight, he was wide open.
And he was mine.
My hand inched closer until I was sliding it up his stomach, landing on his chest, just above his heart. It raced under my touch, his breaths shallow.
“Don’t,” he whispered, closing his eyes. “It hurts too much to be this close to you, Sades. It always fucking has.”
My bottom lip trembled as I held back my own tears. “Rowan,” I said, his voice coming out more like a prayer. “I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.” I pushed up on my toes, pressing my lips to the side of his mouth. His breath hitched, and he groaned softly. “We’re both broken.” I kissed him again, this time lingering on his hot skin. “We haven’t known peace, not in a long time. Logan’s death shattered us both, but being with you, some pieces are starting to fit back together again. Don’t you feel it?” I grabbed his hand and placed it on my chest. His long fingers traced my collarbone. “That’s real, Ro. My heart only ever beats this fast when I’m with you.”
His nostrils flared, his chest heaving. “Don’t say those words to me, Sadie. Not unless you mean them.”
“I wouldn’t say them if I didn’t.” I slid my hand from his chest, up to his neck, his skin warm beneath my touch. “Don’t hold back this time. Not with me.”
Like a rubber band snapping, Rowan snatched me around the waist and shoved me against the wall. His lips crashed against mine, his tongue forcing its way into my mouth, tangling with mine. He tasted of whiskey and a quiet kind of desperation. He groaned and pushed himself harder against me, his hands tugging at the hem of my shirt.
