Page 10 of Worthy Now
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Not only does it sound like Jake is finally ready to forgive me, but he actually wants to spend time with me. I’m so thrilled I can hardly contain my excitement. Then I’m struck by a sobering thought.
“What about Alicia? Won’t she have a problem with you getting into trouble with your ex? Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to go to the fair with you guys, but I refuse to be that girl.” He stares me down for a prolonged moment before he seems to come to a decision. “Alicia and I broke up,” he tells me, and the organ in my chest gives a single hard thump.
“What? Why? It’s not because of me, is it?”
Jake huffs out a laugh. “So humble,” he mutters before he resumes walking up the aisle. “No, it’s not because of you. I just realized I’ll never be able to give her everything she deserves.” He throws a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure I’m following. Like, I’m going to miss a single word. I’m practically foaming at the mouth as I hurry to keep up. “When Bobby made that comment about my dad, and Alicia looked at me like she was trying to figure out my complicated relationship with him,” he breaks off, shaking his head with what looks like regret. “I realized I have no desire to open up to her. I was right not to get serious about anyone all these years. Any woman worth her salt deserves better than an emotional cripple who’s always going to keep her at arm’s length. It wouldn’t have been fair to keep stringing her along when I know I’m incapable of loving her the way a good partner should.” He shrugs, like the end of the first relationship he’s allowed himself to have in almost a decade isn’t a big deal. Logically, I know whathe’s saying makes sense. He was confronted with his past in the presence of the person he was building a future with and realized his feelings for her didn’t run deep enough for him to want to share the intimate details of his life. The obvious solution was to let her go. That’s just the kind of man Jake is. He could be a callous bastard when the situation called for it, but his heart has always been in the right place.
Once he realized he wasn’t being fair to Alicia, calling it quits simply became the only rational choice. I believe him when he says his decision had nothing to do with me. But my stupid little traitor of a heart is tap-dancing so hard, it’s giving Fred Astaire a run for his money.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you two. Alicia seemed really nice.”
Jake’s knowing smirk makes me squirm. “Cut the crap, Tessa. You’re over the moon about this.” His matter-of-fact delivery takes me aback.
Have I been that obvious?
“Awfully sure of yourself, aren’t ya? Why on earth would I be happy about the end of your relationship?” I ask, doing my best to look cool and unaffected.
The corner of his mouth kicks up. “Let’s shelf this conversation for now. I have a feeling neither of us are ready for it.”
My shoulders drop from around my ears, relieved and eternally grateful to him for letting me off the hook. I might talk a big game, but the truth is, my conflicting feelings for him scare me more than I’d like to admit. I’m not sure I have the emotional capability to make smart choices right now, and the last thing I want is to lead Jake on. I’ve done enough damage to this man to last a lifetime.
“So, are you coming to the fair or not?”
“I’d love to,” I tell him truthfully. “You’re right. I could use a bit of fun, and getting the old gang back together pretty much ensures that. I need a break from reality, you know?”
“How is your mom? She hanging in there?” he asks, azure irises shimmering with sympathy.
I shrug, scrubbing a hand across my forehead before answering.
“She’s as good as can be expected. I shouldn’t complain. The doctors have given us nothing but hope. They think her chances of beating this thing are very high. It’s just hard watching her struggle. She’s so weak after her chemo treatments, and the nausea is awful. I just feel so useless, you know? I wish there was more I could do.”
“You’re doing what you can. The second you heard the news, you dropped everything to be there for her. You rushed home, facing your demons and putting your own life on hold to support her. There’s not much more you can do. I know what it’s like to watch someone close to you go through this. How helpless itmakes you feel. But the odds are in her favor, and your love and support is really all you can offer her right now.”
I dig my teeth into my bottom lip to keep it from trembling.
“Ah, fuck me,” Jake mutters, a hint of panic in his voice. “You’re not going to cry, are you? Please tell me if you’re about to have a public breakdown so I can put some distance between us. I have a reputation to uphold.”
I bark out a watery laugh and deliver a sharp backhand to his chest. “You’re such an ass sometimes. And what reputation would that be?” I ask, dabbing at the corners of my eye. “Are you afraid someone might witness the great Jake Nelson share a genuine moment with a woman and discover you’re a softie at heart? Or are you scared the gossips will read more into this and spread the word about you breaking my heart again?”
“More like the other way around,” he mumbles as he runs a hand through his hair, relieved a full-blown meltdown seems to have been avoided for the moment.
“It’s cute you think the rumor mill hasn’t started buzzing the second you crossed town limits. What do you think they’ve been discussing at Mable’s book club each week? I swear those old biddies have a betting pool going.” Jake’s eyes twinkle with amusement. “Nah, let them speculate. It’s their only form of entertainment, and who am I to rob them of that? But I can’t run asuccessful business if people think I’m a pushover. If only one person saw me getting weak over a few tears, it won’t be long before every housewife in Bandera County turns on the waterworks, hoping to knock a few bucks off the final bill. You wouldn’t believe the shit I have to put up with. People can be very inventive when it’s time to pay up.”
“Alright, alright. Far be it from me to mess with your cut-throat image.”
Jake treats me to a grin that does funny things to my insides and jerks his chin toward the cash register, letting me know he’s ready to check out. “So, I’ll see you on the fairgrounds Saturday? We’re meeting up sometime in the afternoon. The plan is to head on over to the saloon after the fireworks. Join us anytime. Here’s my number.” He hands me his business card and I turn it over, impressed by the polished look, before I tuck it into my purse. “Call me when you get there, and I’ll let you know where we’re at.”
“Sounds like a plan. Thanks for the invite. I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to it.”
Jake stares at me for what feels like forever, a soft smile hovering over his lips. “You know, I never thought I’d say this again, but so am I.”
Six
Tessa
The Jenkins Creek Fall Fair is the event of the year, and even though I haven’t been an active participant in some time, it’s comforting to know that not much has changed. The realization that I’ve missed this sleepy little town hits me like a punch to the solar plexus. I used to think this perpetual feeling of homesickness stemmed from the excessive amount of guilt I’ve carried around all these years, as well as the painful longing for the man I left behind. But it’s more than that. I missed the simplicity. The community. The easy camaraderie between neighbors and the people you grew up with. Running into a familiar face and taking the time to chat with a friend on your way to the local diner. Or lending a helping hand to an elderly person, who’d most likelyrepay that kindness with a glass of homemade lemonade or a piece of freshly baked pie.
I’ve lived in my current apartment building for three years and have yet to exchange more than a cursory nod with my next-door neighbor. Every day, I’m surrounded by thousands of people, yet I’ve never felt more alone. Anonymous is the word that comes to mind, and I’m done convincing myself that I like it that way. It used to bother me that everyone knew my business. That people talked and you couldn’t hide a thing in this town. Now I realize what a privilege it is to be seen. Time seems to move differently here. No one seems in a hurry to get from point A to point B, and I’ve developed a whole new appreciation for the beauty and serenity of the countryside. For the first time in forever, I can actually hear myself think. I never minded the noise and fast pace of LA before, and I appreciate the conveniences of city living. But having experienced the hustle and bustle for so long, it’s almost a relief to take a step back and simply let myself breathe.
