Page 27 of Worthy Now
I lift my mug and gulp down half its contents, taking a moment to work up the courage needed for the conversation ahead.
“Listen, Anna.” I run a hand through my hair while I figure out how to best start this. “I know I haven’t always been the greatest role model, and as you so rudely pointed out last night, we both know I’ve had some issues with substance abuse.”
Digging her teeth into her bottom lip she asks, “What did I say? I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, Jake. I don’t even remember getting home.”
I wave off her concern, letting her know I’m not holding anything against her.
“Don’t worry about it. I know you didn’t mean it. But you brought it up, which tells me it’s something that’s been on your mind these past few years. I realize you’re getting older, so maybe it’s time we talk about it. I was wrong to brush the incident under the rug and not talk it through with you to put your mind at ease. It’s just…” I pause, inhaling a steadying breath before meeting her curious expression. “You were so young and innocent, and I didn’t want to burden you with my problems. But I think it’s important for you to understand what I did was stupid and reckless, and itdamn near cost me my life. I don’t ever want you to hit rock bottom the way I did.”
“Why’d you do it?” she asks, food forgotten as she gives me her undivided attention.
I sigh.
“You know Dad and I didn’t have the best relationship?”
She nods, patiently waiting for me to go on.
“We never really saw eye to eye, even before Mom died. But when he started drinking, things got so much worse. He got mean. Sometimes violent. I don’t know why I took that first pill. I was angry at the world. Felt like no matter what I did, it was never enough for him, and one day, I just said to hell with it. Everyone already judged me because of who my father was.” I shrug, like their low opinion of me and our family didn’t bother me deep down. “I saw the way people looked at me like I’d never amount to anything. So, I figured, why not live up to their expectations? I didn’t want to hear it when my friends told me I was spinning out of control. And when Tessa left, and I overheard Megan say she’d gone on a date with some douche at her new school…I don’t know.” My jaw clenches at the memory. “I just needed to not feel anything that night. I never meant to seriously harm myself. I was just tired of hurting all the time, you know?”
“So, I was right to blame her? She’s the reason I almost lost you?”
I lower my utensils, having lost my appetite, and wait for her to meet my eyes before saying, “No, Anna. My overdose was nobody’s fault but mine. I’m responsible for my own actions, and I don’t make excuses for my weaknesses. All I can do now is try to explain what caused me to make those poor choices, so you have a better understanding of what I was going through and not end up following in my footsteps.”
Anna presses the tip of her tongue into the corner of her mouth and gives me a court nod, letting me know she’s ready to hear the rest.
“Dad was very demanding back then. I worked too much, which caused me to struggle at school. Throw in the added responsibility of looking after you and Jude because he was in no condition to, and it was a lot for a kid my age. I was overwhelmed. When everything would get to be too much, I’d snap and argue with him, and he’d…” I drift off mid-sentence, still unsure whether revealing the ugly truths of my past serves a purpose, or if some things are better left unsaid. Anna loved our father. To her, he’d been an affectionate man, destroyed by the death of his wife. A troubled soul trying to find solace at the bottom of a bottle. We had lived with two entirely different people, and I’m not sure I want to taint the picture she’s painted in her mind.
“You can say it, Jake. He beat you and took his anger out on you,” she blurts, and a bitter snort follows at my shocked surprise. “How clueless do you think I am? I might have been too young to be of any help to you then, but I was neither blind nor deaf. Do you really believe I just hid in my room whenever things got tense, and you sent me away? I stayed out of sight because I knew you didn’t want me to see the shit he did to you, but I sat on that damn staircase each and every time it happened, and I sobbed until it was over. I couldn’t just leave you there on your own. I foolishly believed being close to you would somehow make you feel less alone. Less helpless. I hated him for hurting you. I hated the way he spoke to you and how he looked at you like you were the cause of all his problems. I should’ve done something. But I was nothing but a scared little coward, and I’ll always resent myself for turning a blind eye.”
She makes a choked sound and expels a shaky breath before meeting my watery gaze.
“I also know I’m the reason you put up with it for so long and why you never went to college. I’m not an idiot, Jake. You were trapped in a nightmare, and if it wasn’t for Jude and me, you could’ve gotten away from him a lot sooner. I’ll never be able to repay you or thank you enough for the sacrifices you’ve made for us.”
I clasp my hands under the table to keep them from shaking, swallowing past the boulder sitting at the base of my throat.What the actual fuck?All this time, I was under the impression I’d succeeded in protecting my baby sister from the ugliness happening under this roof. That I managed to give her the carefree childhood she deserved, and here she is, telling me she’s known all along. That I haven’t shielded her from anything. In fact, I only made things worse by not confiding in her sooner and leaving her to deal with her confusing feelings on her own. That she blames herself because she couldn’t stop a grown man from doing whatever the hell he wanted tells me just how badly I’ve failed her.
“Fuck, Anna.” I scrub a hard hand over my face, silently cursing myself for my ignorance. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why keep this to yourself all these years?”
She gives me a half-hearted shrug. “I guess I felt guilty for being such a burden to you. Scared you’d hate me once you found out that I knew about the abuse and didn’t do a thing to help you. I feel like I’ve failed you, and I didn’t have the guts to open up that can of worms.”
“Hey. Look at me,” I prod when it’s obvious she’s struggling to make eye contact. Her lower lip trembles, but she manages to pull herself together long enough to lift her head. Her heart-shaped face displays a gut-wrenching vulnerability that makes me want to turnback time, change the past, and protect her better so I never have to see that kind of pain in her eyes again.
“I don’t ever want to hear you say you’re a burden to me again. Is that clear?” I reach for her hand, giving it a firm squeeze. “You and your brother were the only thing getting me through those years. You gave me purpose when I had little else. Without you guys, I would’ve gone completely off the rails. Hell, I most likely wouldn’t be here today. When I woke up in that hospital bed, do you know what made me get the help I needed?”
The subtle flash of hope in her eyes is killing me, and I have to swallow down my own emotions to get my next words out.
“You. Seeing the fear and devastation on your little face just about broke my heart and made me realize how careless and selfish I’d been. You saved me, Anna. And when Dad got sick, and the company was belly up, I worked my ass off and got things back on track—for you. I wanted you guys to have a shot at any future you might choose. I wanted to be able to put you through college and give you the life you deserved because nobody ever did that for me. And it wasn’t like it didn’t benefit me in the end. I mean, look at me,” I say, and her expressive eyes flick to mine. “I’m running a successful business, providing a paycheck to six guys so they can—in turn—provide for their own families. I take pride in my work, and you know how much I love barking orders and watchingpeople scramble whenever I walk onto a job site,” I add with a wink, drawing a reluctant giggle out of her. “I wouldn’t have had the drive or the guts to make any of it happen without the right incentive. You and your brother gifted me with the life I have now, and I’m damn proud of what I’ve accomplished. So, get rid of this misplaced guilt you’ve been carrying around for no reason. I don’t blame you for anything. I don’t regret anything, and you could never be a burden to me. You’re my little Anna Banana. My reason for being, and I love you so damn much.”
A broken sob tears itself from her throat, and I’m on my feet, sliding onto the bench seat beside her so I can gather her close. I rock her back and forth while she cries into my chest, releasing years and years of build-up. God, I was an idiot for ever thinking she’d be oblivious to what goes on in her own home. Anna’s smart as a whip, one of the brightest people I know, and she’s always been observant and curious by nature. It makes me wonder what kind of shit is weighing on Jude. I make a mental note to check in with him on his next visit. Make sure he knows how much he means to me, and what a positive impact he’s had on my life. The last thing I want is for him to blame himself for something that wasn’t his fault. Fuck, I really hate my father sometimes.
“I love you so much, Big J,” comes Anna’s broken whisper. I rest my cheek on the top of her head, breathing in her familiar scent,and will myself not to break down. Despite my best efforts, my voice comes out raw when I say, “I know you do.” I give her a few more minutes to compose herself before I pull back to look at her blotchy face.
“Promise me one thing,” I say once we both seem to be in control of ourselves again. “I won’t ask you to never touch a drop of alcohol again because I know what it’s like to be unable to meet unrealistic expectations, and I won’t do that to you. I know you’re growing up, and soon enough, you’ll be heading off to college to experience everything life has to offer. If you want to get a little tipsy here and there or smoke the occasional joint, who am I to judge? But I need you to promise me that I’ll always be the first number you call if you ever get yourself into a situation you can’t get out of on your own. I don’t give a shit what time it is, and I don’t care if I have to drive halfway across the country to get to you. I’ll always be there if you need me, and I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t count on me because you’re scared of how I might react. Your safety and well-being will always be my number one priority. Do you understand?”
Anna sniffs and nods her head once.
“Always be in control and stay away from the hard stuff,” I add, leveling her with a serious look. “Trust me when I say that shit can suck you in faster than you realize, and these days, you can neverbe sure what you’re getting. One bad batch and that’s it. Your life is over, and I don’t even want to think about what that would do to me. I need you to be smarter and stronger than I was. Can you do that for me?”
“Yes,” Anna croaks, looking solemn and determined as she wipes at her runny nose with the back of her hand.
