Page 175 of Say Yes to the Nemesis
“Then we need to figure out a new way.”
“You’ve always mattered,” Jay says fiercely.
“I know that now. But for the longest time, I didn’t. I can’t keep living my life trying to be small enough to fit in the spaces other people leave for me.”
We’re both crying now. I hate that having this conversation hurts him, but I need him to understand.
“I’m not asking for your permission,” I continue. “I’m not asking you to like my choices. I’m just telling you that I need space to figure out who I am when I’m not trying to be the perfect little sister.”
Jay wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “How much space?”
“I don’t know yet. I just know that I can’t keep calling you every time I have a decision to make. I can’t keep looking to you for approval before I do anything. It’s not fair to either of us.”
He nods slowly. “You’re right. I’ve been treating you like you’re still fifteen.”
“And I’ve been letting you.”
“So what now?”
“Now I figure out who I am on my own. You figure out how to be my brother without trying to be my parent.”
Jay is quiet for a long time, just looking at me. Finally, he smiles, sad but genuine.
“You know, I always thought I was protecting you. But maybe I was just protecting myself. The idea of you not needing me anymore scared the hell out of me.”
“I’ll always need you, Jay. Just differently.”
“Different how?”
“Like a sister needs a brother. Not like a child needs a parent.”
He laughs, shaky and wet. “I don’t know how to do that.”
“We’ll figure it out.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He stands up and comes over to the couch, pulling me into a hug. I bury my face in his shoulder and let myself cry, really cry, for all the years I spent feeling invisible and all the conversations we should have had but didn’t.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to be small.”
“I’m sorry I never told you how I felt.”
“You’re telling me now.”
“Yeah. I am.”
We hold each other for a long time. When we finally pull apart, something feels different between us. Cleaner. More honest.
“So,” Jay says, settling back in his chair. “It’s serious with Ryan?”
“Yeah. It is.”
“And the new job?”
“I love it. I’m good at it.”
