Page 73 of Coach Me
Lucie continues on, not helping my internal downfall.
“It’s not to keep me from finding someone either, just making sure they don’t try to make their light my own or more likely, that I make their personality mine like I did with my siblings…I probably sound nuts.”
“No, you don’t.” I don’t see how anyone could ever outshine Lucie. Hell, I hardly understand how she doesn’t see it herself. She’s a nurturer, but she’s also resilient in the best way. No matter how many times I tried to push her away, she’s stayed put. She’s calm and even-tempered, but full of passion when it comes to the people she cares about.
She can claim she’s the side character—or extra…whatever the fuck she said—all she wants. I think she’s a main character who just hasn’t found her story yet.
Lucie gives me a half smile. “Okay, it’s my turn. I bet two questions?—”
“Whoa, I never said you could wager multiple questions.”
“You never said I couldn’t. Plus, I just overpaid on that one.”
See, that’s light.
I hold out my hand for her to continue.
“I bet two questions that the next one lands in left field.”
The pitch comes and with the swing, the ball flies into left field where one of the players shagging balls makes a diving catch. Lucie mumbles a small celebratory “yes” and angles her chair back to me.
“First question. Why’d you retire?”
I lift an eyebrow and laugh. “Is that not obvious? I think having to hire you is part of the answer.”
Lucie nudges my arm. “Part of the answer, Dex. Come on, tell me the full answer.”
I fight the urge to push back on this question more if it means she’ll touch my arm again, but I know she was vulnerable with me just now. I can do the same, but only because it’sher.
“Alright. Not having someone to take care of Miles was a big part of it. The travel and schedule were hard enough as is—I missed him like crazy when my mom or Kate couldn’t travel with me to the away games.
“The other part is guilt. Kate and I were never going to work. There was no real love lost there, just two people who made decisions and are now dealing with the outcomes. Kate never really wanted to be a mother, and I knew that. Whenwe found out she was pregnant, I told her I would support whatever decision she made moving forward with the pregnancy. It was her choice completely, and I respected it. It wasn’t until she decided to have Miles that I started fucking up.
“We should never have gotten married. I’m man enough to own that I played a bigger role in that than she did. The idea of having that family dynamic was something I wanted. The pressure from my own parents didn’t help—their hearts weren’t necessarily in the wrong place, more that generational bullshit of getting married when you have a baby and all that.”
I sigh, running my hands over my face. Fuck, the shit I’m putting Miles through kills me. I can’t say I’m putting him through it alone, but I’m the one who caused it. Who knows if Kate and I could have just made co-parenting work better had we not gotten married. Maybe I could have even taken on this full-time role sooner…
“I may not completely understand or even agree with how Kate’s handled the divorce when it comes to Miles, but I can’t blame her for it.”
“You blame yourself,” Lucie says the words that I couldn’t.
“Yeah, I blame myself. I just want him to have a happy life—the best life I can give him. Retiring felt like the only way to do that. Then Olsson made me this offer, and I selfishly took it.”
Lucie stays silent for a moment, but then shuffles in her chair to angle more toward me. “You know, my dad left when I was six. He was a horrible alcoholic—it’s why Will doesn’t drink at all, actually. With me being the youngest, I don’t have a lot of memories of him, and while I’ve seen picturesthat my mom still has hidden in a box under her bed, I haven’t seen him since the day he left.
“If you asked my siblings if they thought him choosing to leave was selfish, you might get a different answer, but for me, I think it was the right one. It’s not really my story to tell, but with what happened to Will—him staying would have put all of us at risk.” Lucie’s hand lands on top of mine. “So while I don’t completely understand or even agree with him, I won’t blame him for what I believe was the right decision at the core of it.”
“Luce.” My voice is low, with what I can’t decide is a warning or plea, because her hand is still holding mine.
“I have one more question left,” Lucie whispers. “Why are you afraid of me?”
So many reasons, but the one that sums it up the most is that I don’t want to lose her if I ever were to get the pleasure of being hers.
I swallow hard. “I don’t want to ever blame myself over you.”
Chapter 26
Lucie
