Page 56 of Despite It All
Jett scoffs and shakes his head. “Jesus, Wyla, I don’t want to just be co-parents. I didn’t say anything last night because I wanted to give you time to process. Clearly, that was the mistake of yesterday, not what happened.”
“Jett…” I don’t even know what to say. I want him too, yesterday definitely proved that, but it doesn’t change anything. “It’s not a good idea for us.”
“I don’t know what it is that’s holding you back. But I swore to myself that morning if I ever ran into you again, I wouldn’t fuck it up. I won’t. I can’t.” Jett moves closer and wills my eyes to him. “I want to be with you, Wyla.” His face tells me he means every word, but that only makes the ache in my chest worse.
I feel the tears welling, but I hold them back, trying to keep my voice even. “No, you don’t. I’m an obligation, Jett, and I don’t want you to have to settle for this. You couldn’t have wanted me more than just a one-night stand.” I say the last sentence more for myself than for him. “Jett, I don’t want to be wanted because I’m the mother of your child.”
Which is true. I don’t want love that way, and I feared that in the beginning, but I don’t think Stevie is the reason he wants to be with me… and somehow, that fucks me up more.
“That’s bullshit, Wyla. You know that’s not true. How can I get it through your head that I want you because ofyou.Yeah, Stevie’s a big fucking perk, but I wanted you then and I still want you now.”
I open my mouth with my next lame excuse but he reads me like a book.
“Don’t even start with the distance bullshit next. There’s something else you’re not telling me.” Jett rests his forehead on mine. “Please, baby, talk to me.”
I stand abruptly, needing space from him. “Those reasons are not bullshit! They are perfectly reasonable factors to not do this.”
“They’re notthereason, Wy.”
“Yes, they are!” My resolve for holding my tears is starting to weaken. I let out a big breath to try to build that strength back up, but I’m about to crumble.
“Wyla.” Jett stands and takes a step closer, but I match it with a step back. He sighs. “I don't know how else to say this, or if there’s some magic words to get you to understand, but despite the distance. Despite my schedule. Despite the years apart. Despite it all, Wyla, I want to be with you.”
That does it. Magic words said. The flood gates open. Tears stream down my cheeks and word vomit comes out my mouth. “I can’t, Jett… I can’t, because then it’s my fault. It’s my fault you lost out on four years of your daughter’s life. It’s my fault she didn’t know you until now.”
“Wy…” He tries to stop me, but he can’t. I don’t think anyone can.
“I knew in my gut when I got up I should have stayed or woken you up before I left.” The tears continue, and my voice has no strength in its tone at all. “Something inside me was begging for me to stay, but I was terrified you would reject me and I knew that would crush me. So, no, Jett. I can’t believe you wanted me back then. That if I had stayed we would have probably seen each other again. That I wouldn’t have had to do all of it alone and you wouldn’t have missed major milestones in your kid’s life. I took those things from you, Jett. I took those away from Stevie… The guilt already eats me alive, because at the end of the day I walked out of that room first… not you.”
There it is. My guilt, out in the open.
“You didn’t fuck up five years ago, Jett. I did."
Nashville Night – 5 years ago – pt. 5
Light streams in from the corner of the window pulls me from my deep sleep. I pull the sheet up to my face and relish in how soft they are, then it dawns on me… I’m in a hotel…with an insanely hot man who I spent the entire night naked with. A man that I think I really like.
I roll over so slowly to see Jett fast asleep next to me. He’s asleep on his stomach with his arms up around the pillow. His honey-colored hair is a mess and even now I want to run my fingers through it. I outreach my hand but freeze. What the hell am I doing? I need to get out of here.
As much as I’d love to go for another round, I know that will lead me to asking to see him again, and we both made it very clear we only wanted one night. I can’t be that girl that after sleeping together they get all clingy.
You’d be asking for his number, Wyla, not a relationship. That’s notclingy.
Maybe I could just ask… but what if he says no? Shit. Even the thought feels like a punch to the gut. How could one night lead to so many feelings? We just had sex, really… but even that doesn’t feel true.
Yeah, we had mind blowing sex. But I’ve never connected with anyone in bed like that. Never felt so completely safe and cherished. Granted I don’t really have a ton of experience in sex. I know you’re shocked that an ex from high school didn’t rock my world.
Jett sure did. Jett did a lot of things that I really wanted to do again… with him. He made me feel comfortable and confident to ask for what I wanted. Not to mention the moments in between rounds were just as enjoyable. He makes me laugh, and it sounds cliché but I feel like I’ve known him for forever.
If I think about too much I can see it all with Jett. I could see the relationship. I could see myself falling in love with him. Easily. If I wasn’t kidding myself, I’d be able to admit I’ve already jumped off that cliff. Maybe Jett did too?
No, we agreed. One night. I can’t ask him for more and I sure as shit don’t want to be given the ‘thanks but no thanks’ speech. No, no way. As much as I’d like to think I’m strong and a rejection from Jett after one night wouldn’t hurt like hell, but that's not the case.
Sneaking out feels like a coward’s move but what am I supposed to do? There’s no way he wants more from me, I’m sure of it. I don’t need to make this more than what it was to him… At least I’ll always have the memories of this night.
As quietly as I can, I roll out of the bed, I find my clothes from last night on the floor. Reluctantly take his shirt off, and throw my stained one back on. I forgo fighting the fishnets, wadding them up and shoving them in back pocket. I take one last look at Jett. Fuck, why do I feel like I’m making the wrong decision?
No, Wyla, you’re being smart. Him rejecting you will just make you sad. It’s better this way, he’ll probably wake up and be relieved to find you gone.
