Page 93 of It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
I’d forgotten all about food. But the mention of it got my tastebuds tingling. ‘Umm, yum.’
‘Fuck it, shall we just eat?’
‘What about Josh?’
‘He’s a creature of habit – I reckon he’ll be back in a couple of hours. And if you stayed it would mean so much to him – even if he doesn’t show it. What do you think – will you stay?’
I smiled and nodded.
The salads were tasty, even without the addition of wafer-thin turkey slices. And the cake was epic, too. I made a mental note to try some more vegan recipes in the new year. Maybe this Jamie Chops chap was onto something.
We chatted like old friends, to the extent that I could see the very moment Saskia’s romance radar activated as I told her about bumping into some ‘old classmates’.
‘Tell me his nameimmediately,’ she said, with a glint in her eye.
‘It was just someone I used to have a crush on at school, that’s all. We went out for dinner a couple of nights ago and it seemed to be heading in the right direction. But then, well, I found out he was stringing me along.’
‘Fucker.’
‘Yeah. Hey, I just realised I don’t know how you and Josh met?’
I braced myself for a tale of DMs and digital courting.
‘Oh! So, umm, bit of a funny one actually, because we met in a counsellor’s waiting room…’
I tried my best to keep my mouth closed as she told me the whole story. How they’d caught each other’s eye before their respective appointments – his for therapy, hers for a job interview. How they’d recognised each other from Instagram, but had never dreamt of saying anything there and then in order to maintain their mutual privacy. How they’d bumped into each other at a vegan cafe a couple of weeks later and struck up a conversation over their matcha lattes. How he’d presumed she was having counselling, too, before learning she was a newly qualified practitioner. How that had enabled them to be completely honest and open with each other about their histories from the very start. And how they’d basically been glued to each other ever since.
It took me a few moments to process all this new information. Firstly, the fact that Josh had been seeing a counsellor for goodness knows how long – not once had I thought he was the kind of person who’d be minded to talk to someone about his feelings. I also couldn’t ignore the warmth I was feeling towards Saskia. For the last couple of years, I’d dismissed her as nothing more than an attention-seeking influencer. I’d never stopped to consider that she and my brother might’ve formed a significant and genuine connection – the kind of connection I’d been searching for my entire life.
‘I adore your brother. I always have. He’s got such a kind heart. He just wants to do good in the world. But, like all of us, he struggles with certain demons. And that’s why having you here issoimportant.’
I was finding that hard to believe, since me uttering the word ‘Scarnbrook’ to his face had been enough to tip him over the edge.
‘But he’s just so cold with me all the time! He seems to have a better relationship with his Instagram followers than he does with me.’
‘Why do you think he might not want to get close to you? Or to anyone for that matter?’ Saskia was trying to sound compassionate but I could hear the exasperation in her tone. ‘He’s scared of losing you, Mally! He’s petrified of losing anyone he loves. The fitness and this social media obsession of his – they’re nothing more than controllable distractions from all the uncontrollable things he’s too scared to think about.’
I took my mind back to the in-jokes that Josh and Livvie had shared. The way he seemed to defrost around her. She used to curl up in his lap and convince him to put on her favourite cartoons. He relented every time. They were polar opposites in so many ways, yet their bond had always been strong.
I thought about how he must have felt when she died. When hesawher die. And how his natural barriers would’ve shot up even higher so he’d never have to experience that horrific kind of loss and trauma again.
‘So, you’re saying that social media is just some kind of security blanket for him?’
‘Yeah, burying himself in online comment threads and confrontations brings him this weird sense of comfort. It’s his way of doing everything he can to not have to think about his pain.’
‘I get it. You’re saying he’s hiding in plain sight. Whereas I’ve just been plain old hiding. Like my parents.’
She rested one of her hands on mine. ‘I’m not going to pass judgement on any of your coping mechanisms. But please understand that this is why it’s been so hard for me to spend any time with Josh when he’s in his family’s company. Because his defences shoot right up. It’s so hard to see him like that.’
‘We were all convinced you thought we were dull or something.’
‘Dull? God, no. When we first met at our engagement dinner, I remember being so relieved that you were so funny and nice. But it quickly became obvious that Josh was uncomfortable as hell and I had to help him through it.’
I felt thankful that Josh had Saskia in his life. God knows what would have happened to him if he hadn’t.
‘Why haven’t we spoken about all of this before?’ I asked.
‘I didn’t know if you were ready to listen. But, because you went back to Scarnbrook, we wondered whether you might be ready now. Which is why we invited you here – to make a start. But, instead, I’m worried I’ve pushed Josh into it and it’s all still too soon. Oh God, I hope I haven’t fucked this up. I really thought getting the two of you together like this might help him make some more progress.’
