Page 78 of It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
‘It was. And, of course, we all used to shout the word in unison whenever it got to that particular present on Christmas morning. Oh! And there was another year when Dad painstakingly devised a treasure hunt for his present to Mum. She was so excited to find out what it was… only to solve the final clue and discover a new iron in the boot of the car.’
‘You’re kidding?’
‘Nope, and she was pregnant with Livvie at the time. It was one of those moments that became part of the Allister family lore before, well, our family got ripped to shreds.’
Now it was Tom’s turn to place one of his hands on mine, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. ‘And it’s never been the same since?’
My eyes stung with restrained tears but I kind of didn’t mind if they spilt out. ‘No, never. I mean, me and Josh were never that close to begin with, although once Livvie arrived we warmed up to each other a bit. She and him got on really well, as did me and her. So she was basically the glue between the two of us. But ever since the funeral we’ve barely had anything to do with each other.’
‘I’m so sorry. And your parents?’
‘They’re plodding along okay. I see them a few times a year. They’ve created a small but pleasant-enough life for themselves in the middle of nowhere. Mum looks after a bunch of gardens in the local villages and Dad does some private accountancy work from home. They’ve got some stunning hikes from their front door. Nature helps Mum, especially.’
I often pondered what she thought about on those long, solo walks. Whether she ever smiled when she was alone. Whether her inner voice ever spoke of anything other than the child who’d been stolen from her. From all of us.
‘That sounds peaceful,’ Tom said.
I swallowed a particularly delicious mouthful of seared, tender entrecote and took a deep breath before responding.
‘Honestly? I don’t think they’ve ever been at peace since Livvie died. I don’t think any of us have. I mean, you saw me this morning, right? Today’s probably the most I’veeverconfronted what happened. We’ve got this unspoken rule between the four of us that we don’t talk about it. Ever. I guess we all find it easier to carry on without having to go through the pain of acknowledging it all. And I can’t stop myself from feeling like I’m to blame for all of it.’
I hadn’t intended to say that final sentence, but once I’d started talking it’d leaked out.
‘What on earth are you talking about?’
My voice trembled as I replied in a whisper. ‘Yeah. Because the fact of the matter is, Tom, if I hadn’t been so selfish in Livvie’s final weeks, none of it would’ve happened.’
Twenty years earlier
Date: 12/10/2005
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: re: re: Cardiff visit sooooooooooon?
Hey Livvie, I’m so sooooooo sorry to do this but I’m going to have topostpone your visit this weekend. Elle’s managed to wangle us backstagepasses for some gig on the Saturday night. She reckons it’ll help usmake a good impression with the student newspaper editor, which is goodexperience to have on my CV I guess.
I know you’ll be disappointed but I promise we’ll rearrange it soon,OK? Gotta go – I’ve got an essay due tomorrow and I’ve only managed towrite two paragraphs so far…(who even am I?!). Send everyone my lovexxx
Date: 12/10/2005
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: Cardiff visit sooooooooooon?
Oh. OK. Well, just let me know what weekends you’re free, I guess. I’llget to see you before Christmas, right?
L x
Chapter 22
?Near-miss kiss
Twenty years later
