Page 66 of It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
While Mum and Dad had attempted to start afresh and Josh had filled his mind with exercise and the Internet, I was left to figure things out for myself, more or less. Falling in slow motion, scrabbling for purchase. I still hadn’t found it, although Elle had kept me hovering just above ground zero as best as she could.
As the DVD repeated and repeated, and Livvie played and played, twenty years of pent-up grief began to escape from me in the form of guttural sobs. I had a primal urge to step into the screen and bundle her into my arms. I’d steer her back through the concert hall corridors, through the streets of Scarnbrook, to our little cul-de-sac. Back to the bedroom we’d shared ever since she’d been a baby. I wanted to tuck her up in bed with her favourite soft toy – a scrappy puppy called Toffee Donut – and lock the door behind her so she’d be safe, forever fifteen. A frozen prison. And the rest of us could join her in her time-frozen bubble – our own permanent utopia.
A plasticky knock on the front door interrupted my vision, followed by a deliberate rattle of the letterbox. I paused the DVD, wiped my eyes with soap-sticky hands and tried to even my breaths as I opened the draughty door.
Right on schedule, it was Tom.
‘Should’ve guessed this place wouldn’t have a doorbell! Anyway, I heard you were in need of a hungover tall person to re-hang a curtain?’
I tried to produce a smile as I let him in, but there was something about his presence that felt safe, as if it was okay to be vulnerable. So my face did something it rarely did instead: it crumpled.
‘Shit, what’s the matter? Has something happened?’
I couldn’t get the thoughts organised in my brain, let alone any words out of my mouth. I nodded instead, letting more sobs escape.
‘Oh God, Mally, come here.’
Tom pulled me into a tight hug. I gave myself over to the embrace, completely. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had held me like this.
‘Oh, Mal…’
He gently let me go and turned towards the TV that had caught his eye behind me. There on the screen was a frozen frame of my sister mid-bow stroke, her eyes closed and her eyebrows raised as she played. God, she was beautiful.
‘Wow, this must be so hard to watch.’
I found the remote and switched it off. Livvie’s face vanished into darkness, and it felt like I’d lost her all over again. I collapsed onto the sofa, my head in my hands, and sobbed.
Tom let me sob. He sat down next to me, not too close, but close enough to place a hand on my juddering shoulder until I’d cried myself dry. Eventually, I raised my head, my eyes still closed, and let my head rest on the back of the settee.
‘I’ll get you some water.’
I rubbed my eyes as he disappeared into the kitchen. I felt numb, raw, exposed. I wiped my dripping nose with my sleeve. So much for trying to make myself look presentable this morning. Though I was past caring.
‘Do you watch this often?’
Tom’s voice interrupted my vacant staring. I took a thirsty gulp of the water.
I shook my head.
‘It’s not even my DVD.’ I swallowed, my throat aching from crying. ‘Becky put it through my door this morning and…’
‘Becky?’
Surely Becky hadn’t known this was on the DVD? She hadn’t mentioned Livvie once since I’d been back – no doubt because I hadn’t, either.
‘Oh God, I don’t think she realised this was on it, Tom. There was… something else she wanted me to see.’
I’d completely forgotten about the ‘snog, marry, avoid’ footage. It felt beyond trivial, now.
‘Do you want me to take it back to her and have a word?’
A rush of possessiveness engulfed me.
‘No! God, sorry, I didn’t mean to shout. It’s just that now that I’ve seen this video of Livvie I don’t think I could give it back, if that makes sense.’
‘You never have to say sorry for any of this, okay? I’m here for you.’
My lip quivered as I met his gaze and nodded with genuine gratitude.
