Page 103 of It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
‘I’m never going to live that down, am I?’
‘Never.’
‘A blanket would be good, but I’m not cold any more, Mally. I think I’m just a bit… nervous.’
Time seemed to slow down a little. The thing was, I believed everything Tom had said about his lack of involvement in Elle’s machinations. In a way, it would’ve been simpler if I hadn’t, leaving me no choice but to draw a neat little line through Scarnbrook – and all the people there. But, as I was fast learning, life wasn’t about ‘yes’ or ‘no’, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, ‘good people’ or ‘bad people’. It was about all the messy places in between and finding the chinks of light among the chaos. It was about the choices we made, and the care we put into them. It was about ‘and’ not ‘or’.
‘Nervous? Why?’
‘Why do you think? Because I’m here. In your flat. With you. I’ve barely slept since you left, thinking about what I would say at this very moment.’
‘Oh.’ I noticed that I was shaking a little bit, too.
‘And now I’m here and, well, I don’t really know what to say. I really like your flat, by the way.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Yeah, it feels like you, somehow.’
‘Really? In what way?’
‘I dunno, it just feels… nice.’
Nice. I was coming to think of that word differently. I always thought that I could place myself squarely in the ‘nice’ column, but now I wasn’t so sure. And that was… okay. No, I’d not been the perfect sister to Livvie – or Josh, for that matter. I’d not been the kindest mate to Becky when I was younger. And I’d never lived up to Elle’s massive expectations of me in terms of how a best friend should behave. But I’d always done the best I could according to what I knew at the time. But I knew more, now. And I’d never stop learning and growing and striving to do better. For myself as much as for anyone else.
‘Don’t you think it’s weird that Father Christmas only has two lists: naughty or nice?’ I asked, sharing my interior thoughts aloud, somehow knowing he wouldn’t run a mile.
‘You’re pretty good at these out-of-the-blue existential questions, aren’t you?’
‘My brain’s an annoyingly busy place.’
‘So’s mine. To answer your question: I’ve never liked the notion of “naughtiness”, actually. I don’t think any kid – or adult for that matter – is inherently bad. They’ve just maybe not been loved or cared for in a way that supported them to become the best version of themselves.’
‘Wow, that’s… pretty deep, Tom Brinton.’
‘Huh, is it? What were you expecting me to say?’
‘Oh, I dunno, something about how people can be nice and naughty at the same time…?’
I hadn’t meant to lace my response with innuendo, but Tom’s raised eyebrows and detectable swallow suggested his mind had leapt there, too. I looked forward to having more deep but flirtatious chats with Tom in the future. Shit, there was a future? Yeah, there was. I could feel it stretching out from each of us, converging, from this very room.
I nudged his thigh playfully with my knee and grabbed the biggest, softest blanket I could find. I draped it over him before touching the radiator behind the sofa, leaning over him to do so. I heard an almost inaudible intake of breath. I was suddenly aware of how close he was. And of the fact that I was wearing an old, tatty dressing gown that probably hadn’t seen the inside of a washing machine for the best part of a year. But I didn’t care about that any more.
I lingered over him for a second longer than I needed to, trying to gather my thoughts and feelings together in one place, but they were swirling around all manner of bodily regions. Theclick click clickof the radiator pipes was the only sound, until Tom said my name.
‘Mal—’
I spoke quietly. ‘It’s warming up. Shouldn’t take too long to get going, now.’
I sat back down next to him. Not quite touching. But close enough to notice that the aroma of Radox had clung to his skin.
‘Mally, I…’
I looked up at him and allowed my eyes to drink him in. His hair was still wet, his eyelashes stained darker with moisture. And his eyes seemed to be searching mine for some kind of permission. I wasn’t nervous any longer. I was ready for my life to change.
‘I want you to know that I didn’t come here for—’
‘This?’ I asked, as I kissed him softly on the mouth. I mean, it was right there. It was the only thing I could do.
