Page 51 of It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
‘Arrrrrk at ’ee! In what way?’
He pulled the thick material across the rickety front door. ‘Well, you just said “naaaaasty draaaaaught”. I’m pretty if you were sober you’d say “narsty draurght”.’
I put my hands on my hips in mock outrage and swivelled on my heel. A little too quickly, as it turned out: I’d intended to walk towards the kitchen at the end of the hallway, but ended up turning ninety degrees too far and walking into the wall instead.
‘Ow,’ I said, rubbing my nose, noticing that my extremities were feeling numb and tingly.
‘Right, come on, let’s get you sorted out. Go and sit through there and I’ll get you a glass of water.’
‘But I was going to make you a steaming mug of delicious cocoa!’
‘Calm down, Mrs Claus. I’ll see what I can rustle up.’
I plonked myself down on the hardest sofa in the world and was suddenly conscious of the lack of places to sit in the room. There was only this leatherette two-seater tub settee and a glass coffee table, which someone had evidently attempted to wipe clean with an abrasive product that had left a permanent misty smudge on the surface.
‘Hey, Mally?’ Tom called through from the kitchen.
‘Mmm?’
He walked into the living room. He was holding my bingo sheets with a bewildered expression on his face.
‘What are these, then?’
My mind flashed to that moment at the end ofBridget Jones’s Diarywhen Mark Darcy stumbles across Bridget’s secret journal. I definitely didn’t want to end up chasing him down the road dressed in nothing but my underwear and a flimsy cardigan. But fuck it, why shouldn’t I tell him?
‘Argh. Okay. I need to swear you to secrecy about this…’
‘Oooooookay. Why? What’s going on?’
‘So, this is the assignment that Elle’s given me forThe Helix.’
He looked at the sheets again, a look of total bafflement on his face as he read through the lists.
‘Yeah, I just don’t get it.’
‘Pay attention, Thomas, as this is a bit complicated and I’m not exactly at my most coherent right now. But. Fuck, where do I start? Right. Have you ever watched one of those corny Christmas movies on Channel 5? You know, the ones that start at about three o’clock in the afternoon?’
‘Oh God, you know what? My mumlovesthose films. Yeah, I ended up watching one or two of those with her over lockdown. They were…’
‘Fucking brilliant, right?’
‘Ha, well I’m not sure I’d go that far, but I guess they’re oddly compelling in their own way.’
‘Well, your mum’s got great taste because I love them too, and that’s why I’m here.’
‘To watch corny Christmas films?’
‘Nope. To, er, try and experience one of them.’
‘Oh. Ooh. This is all starting to make sense now. So that thing with your car – that was real, right?’
‘Yes! But it fits the formula perfectly. I couldn’t believe it when you started pounding on my car like that.’
‘I tapped assertively on the window, Mal. I wouldn’t describe that as a “pounding”.’
Melting face emoji.
‘So the “car drama” one’s ticked off,’ he continued, after a quick ruffle of his thick hair. ‘What else… what else… Oh, and you’ve got loads of ticks next to “relatable klutz”.’
