Page 15 of It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
‘You’re saying all these things are going to happen, regardless of what film we watch?’
‘Most of them, yeah! Wanna know my favourite tropes?’
‘Sure…?’
I looked down each list to refresh my memory.
‘Ooh, “festive train journey” is a good one. My favourite one of these films has a magical train that takes a career-focused woman back in time to her hometown so she has another chance with the one who got away. I also love seeing how the filmmakers attempt to make a warm summer’s day look like a nippy winter’s one with whatever fake snow they can muster.’
‘Right… and what’s with everyone wearing red and green?’
‘Everyone wears red and green, constantly! Just wait! Oh, and “near-miss kiss” is practically guaranteed in every film. They’re about to snog and then a reindeer farts or something, and they jump apart.’
‘Can’t wait for the farting festive creatures.’
‘Elle, c’mon, it’ll be fun!’
‘What’s my motivation, here? What do I win with a full house?’
‘This.’
I reached into my backpack at the side of the sofa and thrust a faded miniature trophy in her direction.
‘Oh my God, Mally, is that your… Year Nine PE effort award?’
‘It is! I was clearing out some cupboards the other day and found it languishing at the bottom of a box. It’s still the only thing I’ve ever won.’
‘Ha! I remember your maroon face when you had to get up on that stage to accept it and you made that ridiculous speech.’
Given that a microphone had been stuck into my teenage hand with zero warning, I’d thought my brief remarks at the time – ‘Here’s to trying – and failing’ – had been pretty witty. Embarrassingly, only one guffawing but unknown pupil in the otherwise silent audience had agreed with me.
‘It was honestly one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever witnessed,’ Elle said, inspecting the statuette. ‘But the trophy’s actually nicer than I remember. Let’s play.’
Eighty-four minutes later, the credits began to roll.
‘Well, that ended suddenly. Er, Mally, are you crying?’
I was. I dabbed at my eyes with one of the frustratingly unabsorbent takeaway napkins.
‘I can’t help it! I could binge-watch these films all night, even though I know exactly what’s going to happen. It’s probably what I’ll end up doing when I spend Christmas alone this year.’
Elle grinned and reached for her notepad and pen, but stopped mid-action.
‘Oh my God, Mally. This is it!’
‘This is what?’
‘This is the feature that’s been waiting for you!’
Whatever she was thinking, I could pretty much guarantee she was wrong.
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘Okay, hear me out. You’re a successful, big-city career woman. You’re single and, as recent events with a certain Billy-the-bastard have proven, unlucky in love…’
‘Ouch.’
‘Sorry, but it’s true. And I – your ever-so-slightly annoying best friend and kind-of boss – am about to send you off on an absurd Christmas assignment!’
