Page 120 of Hide and Seek
When he finally pulls away, I’m sure I look like a starry-eyed mess as I gaze up at him adoringly.
“Do you need to sit down?” he asks.
I nod, suddenly exhausted as the reality that it’s over and I’m safe finally hits.
Jax brings me to the couch and sinks down on one of the plush cushions. I start to sit next to him, but he pulls me onto his lap so I’m sitting sideways and he can wrap his arms around me while I lean against his firm body.
“Does it bother you that I might not be able to love you the same way you love me?”
“No.” I nuzzle my cheek against his. “I think you can love people in your own way, and that’s enough for me.”
“In my own way?” He strokes my arm.
“Yeah. Like you love Jace, that’s just a fact. It might not look or feel like the kind of love people are used to seeing between siblings or twins, but that doesn’t make it any less real. The same with your cousins and your family. The intense need you have to protect them and make sure they’re safe. How you’d lay down your life for them without a second thought. The way you show them who you really are because you know they’ll always accept you. That’s love. You’re just processing it differently because you’re different.”
He makes a thoughtful sound. “I feel all of those things for you too, but there’s something that makes you different from them.”
“What’s that?”
“You’re the only person who’s ever made me feel afraid.”
“Really?”
“When I turned around and saw that I was too late and that guy was already on you,” he says softly. “I felt something I’ve never experienced, and I’m pretty sure it was fear. I was afraid that I’d lost you.”
I try not to grin like a fool at his words. It might not be a declaration of love, but coming from Jax, it means so much more than those three simple words I said to him earlier.
I’ve already come to terms with the fact that Jax will never be a typical boyfriend, and all the things that society told me were important, like flowery words and grand gestures of affection, are never going to be part of my life.
But I’ve also come to realize that none of those things matter or mean anything if there isn’t something real behind them. Ofall the people in the world, Jax chose me. A man who’s never wanted anyone, never even been interested in someone, and is incapable of forming superficial attachments to people feels all those things for me.
He might not be what other people are looking for, and definitely isn’t what I thought I wanted, but he’s mine, and I’m not going to let something as stupid as my preconceived notions of what a relationship or love issupposedto look like ruin the most real thing that’s ever happened to me.
“How did you find me?” I ask. “And when did you get back?”
“Our dad canceled on us, and we got back to our room about five minutes before the power failure. I checked the cameras when we realized it was a campus-wide blackout and saw those assholes drag you out of your room.”
I shiver involuntarily at the memories and snuggle closer to him.
“We were able to track them when the power came back on and Jace could link into the security cams.” He gently brushes his fingers through my hair. “But we didn’t find you. You found us. How did you escape?”
“I did what you and Jace told me to do and waited for them to drop their guard and fuck up. Once I saw my chance, I took it and ran.” I catch his hand and press a quick kiss into his palm. “It was too dark to run through the woods, so I kept to the edges since they were too scared to follow me. I figured it was best to keep them in sight so I could get as much information as possible, then figure out a way to safely get my phone from my room so I could text Killian and Xave.”
I chew on my lip for a few beats. “Did I kill that guy?” I ask softly, my heart skipping a beat.
“I don’t know,” he says. “But even if he does die, you know he deserved it, right?”
“I know. And I don’t feel bad if he is dead, I’m just not sure how I feel about being the one who did it.”
“Do you feel guilty?”
“Yes, but not for the reasons I should. I feel guilty because I don’t feel bad about any of it. If I did kill someone, even if they deserved it, shouldn’t I feel at least a little bad? And what does that say about me that I only feel guilt at my lack of guilt and not at the fact that I might have killed someone?”
“It means you know what you did was right, and you’re not going to punish yourself for doing what needed to be done. You might think that’s a moral failing or that it means something’s wrong with you, but to me, it just means that your logical side understands and your emotions are at peace with it.”
I mull that over in my head for a few moments. He’s right, and knowing that helps clear the last of my guilt as more of that exhausted calm settles over me.
I have no idea how long we sit like that, but the loud crash of the door flying open makes me jump a mile, and the only reason I don’t fall right off Jax’s lap is because he’s still holding onto me like he’s afraid I’ll disappear if he loosens his grip at all.
