Page 103 of The First Cut
I pull free from Hannibal’s arms and walk toward the house we once shared. The house that became my hell. I shove the door open, stomp inside, and wait as the others follow me. I hear Nevaeh mutter something to Havoc, but I don’t hear the words over the sound of blood rushing in my head.
I pause in the hallway, my eyes going to that damn wall. Before I can stop myself, I let it all pour out, purging my torment before it eats me alive.
“You took Khan’s call and left that day before I had a chance to tell you. I was so fucking scared. I could already feel myself fading away and…” I swallow, trying to steady my shaking hands. “If I’d known you’d leave that day and never come back, maybe I’d have done things differently. That’s the thing about hindsight, though, right?”
I turn my head so I can face Havoc even as I feel Hannibal draw closer to me.
“I waited for you. But it was Driller who came around the next day. For one god-awful moment, I thought something had happened to you, that you’d been hurt and taken from me. Then, when the truth came out, I almost wished you had. You chose your club over me time and time again, but this was beyond anything I was prepared for. You chose your brother over me?—”
“I was following orders?—”
“Bullshit. You were being a fucking coward. You could have chosen me like I always chose you. We could have walked away from MC life and lived happily ever after. But I was never enough, was I?”
He swallows but doesn’t answer, for once looking at a loss for words.
“He threw me against this wall before he raped me right here on the floor.” I let that bomb drop for a moment, ignoring the noise that comes from Havoc as Hannibal draws closer still. He’s so close, if he took a deep breath, his chest would brush against my arm. He keeps that sliver of distance between us, likely already knowing that if he touches me, I’ll break.
“He raped me hundreds of times after that. I was branded a slut, a homewrecker, a whore, but never a victim. Funny how that turned out, huh? I guess perspective is everything. I lost you, and everyone turned on me in the blink of an eye. All my choices were stripped from me, along with my self-worth and mydignity. But I kept my mouth shut because it was the only way to keep you safe.”
“Driller threatened Havoc?” Hannibal summarizes roughly, but something in his voice tells me he guessed that part already.
I nod. “Told me he’d arrange to have him killed inside if I said anything. Not that I thought anyone would believe me, not with how quickly they turned on me. For a club built on loyalty, you sure as shit don’t show an ounce of it.”
I cast my gaze to Nevaeh, who looks pale as she grips Havoc’s arm tightly. “You have him because I kept him safe. Because I kept my mouth shut and my legs open.”
She pales further as Havoc growls.
I look into his eyes, eyes I once lost myself in. “I kept telling myself that when you came home, I’d be able to tell you everything. Then you’d save me the way I saved you,” I whisper, feeling tears slip over my cheeks.
“Lola…” his voice drifts off.
“I lost our baby right here in this spot. It was my fault for telling him I was pregnant. I thought it would stop him, but it only excited him,” I manage to get out before my legs buckle and sobs rip me apart.
Hannibal's right there, sweeping me up in his arms and carrying me out of the house, away from my screams and pleas that are trapped in the walls, away from the invisible pool of blood that still stains the floor even though I’m the only one who can still see it.
Hannibal sits on the picnic table with me in his lap and bands his arms tightly around me. “Never again, Lola. Never will I let anyone hurt you. I’ll kill them myself. I don’t give a flying fuck who they are.”
I bury my head against his neck and breathe him in. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean just to blurt that all out.”
“Way I see it, you have not one fucking thing to be sorry for. It’s us that failed you, Lola, not the other way around.”
I jolt when I hear Havoc’s angry roar. The sound of things being thrown around and smashed makes me tense.
“You better stop him before he destroys the place.”
“He can set fire to the place for all I care. I’m right where I need to be.”
I pull back and look at him, knowing I look a mess with wet cheeks and swollen eyes. “Your reputation makes you out to be a monster, but you’re not. Not even close.”
He leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead before he speaks, his lips brushing against my skin. “You have no idea what kind of monster I can be. And if I have my way, you never will because I’m not one when I’m with you.”
“Why, though? I don’t understand.”
“Because you deserve better. I told you I won’t let anyone hurt you and I’m including myself in that. I’d cut off my own hand before I ever lay a finger on you in anger.”
I reach up and cup his cheek, feeling his stubble scratch my palm. “Don’t let me fall in love, Hannibal. I’m not strong enough to survive you.”
“Fuck that. You’re strong enough to beat all the odds. I don’t know anyone else who could survive the fires of hell you walked through.
