Page 76 of Just Another Meet Cute
“He didn’t know that I was pregnant. I never told him. As soon as I found out that I was, I ran away. I changed my phone number and shut down all my social media.”
Shoving myself upright, I stared at Mom in shock. “You ran away … and ghosted him?”
Her lips curved into a brief smile. “Pretty much.”
“But why?”
She tilted her head back and stared at the ceiling as if the answers were written up there. “Because I was ashamed. Not of you. I would never be ashamed of you. But the whole time, I knew that I shouldn’t have been with your dad. That we shouldn’t have had the affair. That we shouldn’t have let it go so far. And once I realized I was pregnant, I couldn’t face him anymore. I could barely face myself by that point. The level of guilt multiplied by a hundred. A thousand.”
I still didn’t understand. “Because you were scared that he would leave you?”
“Because I was afraid that if he knew, he would leave his family forme.” Mom shook her head. “I know it sounds stupid, but I couldn’t let him do that. I already hated being the other woman, but I would despise myself if I was the cause of his broken family. We didn’t even reconnect again until over a year after he got divorced. And that was purely by accident.”
There were so many thoughts whirling through my brain that it hurt to think. It felt like my brain was about to explode, and all I could do was focus on my breath and breathing at this point.
Everything that Mom said, everything I thought about Dad—felt about him—was a total lie.
Like Aunt Sarah, I blamed Dad for leaving Mom. For abandoningus. And in reality, he didn’t. He didn’t even know I existed. He wasn’t even given the chance to know. And once he did know, he came right back into our lives. On his own free will,afterhe left his other family. He didn’t family hop. He didn’t change his mind on awhim. And he never told meanyof this.
But then, it never occurred to me to ask him either. Most of the time I didn’t even try to talk to him. Not in the two years that he’s been in my life, because I assumed I knew everything.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “But why? Why did you lie to everyone? Why did you lie to me?”
Her fingers played with the edge of the white comforter between us. “I was scared, and I didn’t want your Báto blame me for running away. It was easier to just say that your dad left us. To make him the villain. She was still mad, but she also felt sorry for me. And then you came along, and everything was okay for a while. Perfect. But when you got older, I didn’t want you to get mad at me either, so I ended up keeping the truth to myself. I didn’t think it would hurt anyone. Until I met your dad again.”
“How did he find us?”
“We have a mutual friend who gave him my new number. And when he found out about you—” She broke off and sucked in her breath as her flush slid down her neck. I didn’t think she could look any guiltier, but somehow, she did. “He wasn’t happy. Especially when I told him that everyone thoughthe abandoned us. But eventually he agreed to play along because I asked him to. I think he was worried that I would take you and run away again.”
Frustrated, I ran my fingers through my hair, both massaging and tugging it at the same time. “Okay, and why tell me now? What’s the point of telling me this when you hid it from me all this time?”
“Because it’s not fair to your dad. He’s not—he’s not the villain. And I’m tired of seeing him treated this way. Especially by you.” Her fingers were gripping the covers now. “I thought things would get better once we moved to Houston with him. Once we were away from your Báand your aunt Sarah and started our own family. Then we could start over. But it hasn’t gotten better. You still haven’t accepted him.”
“Of course I haven’t.” My hand dropped to my side. And the words poured out of me. Faster than I could even say them. “And do you know why? Because I couldn’t let myself believeevenfor a second that Ihadan actual dad. I’ve been so freaking afraid that if we let him into our lives he’ll disappear again. Because what if he suddenly decided that he didn’t want to be in our family after all and ran off with another family. Because he’d done it before. But no, wait, he didn’t. He didn’t leave his other family to join ours. He didn’t abandon us in the first place, because he didn’t even know aboutme. Because you never told him!”
I was practically yelling by the time I was finished. Something that I’ve never done to Mom before—to any adult. Báwould have kicked my ass for being so disrespectful. Rude. Insolent.
But I think even she would give me a free pass if she were in my shoes right now.
I could feel Mom’s eyes staring at me, but I couldn’t look at her right now. Ididn’t want to see her big sad eyes watching me. I didn’t want to forgive her. Not yet. Not when I felt this overwhelming guilt at how I’d been treating Dad all this time. How he must have felt.
Oh God, I should have gotten ice cream with him that day.
“I know it’s not fair—”
“None of this is fair.” Rolling onto my side, away from Mom, I tucked myself into a little ball and squeezed my eyes shut. “Just … leave me alone.”
Mom stayed in the same position for a long time before she got up. She came around the bed and paused by my side for a few seconds before going into the bathroom. I heard the water running for a few minutes, but I still didn’t open my eyes. Not even to take out my contacts, even though I knew I would regret it tomorrow when they burned and were stuck to my eyeballs.
After what felt like forever, the door opened and Mom shut off the lights. This time she didn’t try to come over to me. She went straight to her side of the bed and lay down.
After a minute or two, she lightly touched my arm. Her voice was soft. Sad as it drifted over to me. “I am sorry. For everything.”
I didn’t trust myself to answer her. Not yet. But I didn’t move away either.
Hours later, I knew that neither of us were asleep. Our breathing was too even, too controlled, like we were trying too hard to pretend to be asleep. It was better than admitting that we were awake.
“So, were you telling the truth when you threatened not to see Aunt Sarah anymore?” I finally asked out loud. Careful to stay away from dangerous topics like lying moms and misunderstood dads.
