Page 24 of The Last One You Loved
I never said I’m sorry.”
Performed by Ryan Hurd
Written by Eshuis / Clemmons / Hurd
I watchedMaddox as he walked back through his front door, emotions spinning through me. Regret. Heartache. Disappointment. At myself…and Trap…and even Maddox.
I should have known I couldn’t count on Trap.
It wasn’t like he’d been there at any point in my life when I needed him. But I thought his remorse had been legitimate. I thought he was trying to make amends for leaving me with Mama and her fists and vile words. But Trap would always put himself first. It was why he’d never stayed with us long. He didn’t want to be a husband or a father. He wanted his gang of motorcycle cronies and the excitement of his criminal lifestyle. I was disappointed I’d let myself believe in him when I’d had years of experience proving I shouldn’t.
And Maddox… The realization hit me hard in the chest that I was goddamn disappointed in him, too. For years, I’d blamed myself, but the truth was, Maddox had walked away easily. I’d asked him not to come back to Davis after that first trip he’d scrounged up enough money to make, and he hadn’t. I’d asked him not to call after I’d gotten engaged, and he hadn’t—except once, two years later, which had ended badly for all of us. It was as if I’d been all too easy for him to give up. Somewhere deep in my heart, maybe I’d wanted?needed?him to fight for me a little harder. I’d needed to know I was worth keeping.
Tears hit me again that I tried to brush away. My therapist was right. The wounds of my childhood had never really healed, not even with the shiny new life I’d tried to give myself.
At the end of the day, I had to live with the fact that I’d never truly been wanted. Just for a brief period by a boy who’d looked at me as if I was the entire universe of stars contained in one body. And now he’d grown up and found out the truth—that the stars were a mirage, a dull glow on the outside hiding the emptiness inside.
When Maddox came out of the house, he had the little girl in his arms. She had a stuffed unicorn clutched to her chest and was wearing a puffy coat with a glittery rainbow on the front. Maddox had a black cowboy hat on his head, looking so much like the man I’d known last that it carved a line of pain through my chest. Except, he wasn’t the same. His muscles seemed to have doubled, and he might have even grown another inch or two. He’d seemed mammoth when he’d been in the tiny entryway with me, but I’d thought it was just the tightness of the space. Now, I could see that he really was a much larger man than he’d ever been as a teen.
He disappeared with the girl into a detached garage, and when the door rolled up, I was surprised to see his old Bronco backing out. A wave of happiness washed through the layers of sadness. I was glad he’d kept it all these years. While Maddox had changed, the Bronco had not. It looked like it still needed a paint job, the forest-green paint giving way to rust here and there, in the exact way it had when he’d bought it.
We’d made so many memories in that vehicle.
We’d lost our virginity together in the back of it.
Heat and longing settled low in my belly, remembering fingers and hands and mouths coasting over bare skin while the moonlight peeked through the windows.
His little girl flashed a smile in my direction from her car seat in the back, shattering those memories. They headed toward the cross street, and I put my rental in gear to pull out behind them. We made our way out of town as the sun completely disappeared, and dark settled over the landscape. As we passed the turnoff to the lake, a whole new wave of memories assaulted me before we hit the sprawling fields, rolling hills, and ancient trees of ranch territory.
When we got to the Hatleys’ driveway, I was surprised to see enormous stone pillars and a wrought-iron gate with a bucking bronco twined into the metal. The words “Welcome to Hatley Ranch” were scrolled across the top, and my heart skipped a beat. It looked so…prosperous…wealthy, even. The last time I’d been here, they’d been hanging on to the ranch by the skin of their teeth. There had been no gate, every building had needed repair, and the dairy equipment had barely worked.
As the gates rolled open and we started down the lane, I was suddenly relieved Maddox had brought me. Arriving at the entrance and having to explain my presence over an intercom, would have been nearly impossible.
The trees stretching along the winding drive to the farmhouse seemed taller and fuller. The paved road was asphalt instead of the dirt, hole-pocked path it had once been. Yet another sign that the ranch I’d once known had disappeared into some alternate-universe version of it.
When the house finally came into view, I was overwhelmed with more memories?Maddox chasing me along the wraparound porch, sitting on the roof outside his bedroom window, climbing trees, riding the horses?but then, the memories disappeared into shock at the changes time had brought. My headlights flashed, giving a glimpse of the once gray house with peeling paint that was now a gorgeous light blue with white trim and a slate gray tiled roof.
When we drove around it, toward the barn, I was surprised to see a large addition tacked onto the back of the house, jutting out like an L. In the middle of the addition was a pair of golden oak doors etched with stained glass and a sign I couldn’t read while I focused on keeping up with Maddox.
He parked by the enormous barn that had once dwarfed the main house, and there I found even more changes awaited me. In the past, the dull-red barn doors had always hung open, giving visitors a view of the horses, cows, tractors, and farm equipment that had bled into the yard. Now, the barn was painted in colors that matched the farmhouse, with the doors sealed shut, and not a hint of equipment anywhere. The only similarity was the smell of hay and animals that still assaulted me even with the windows rolled up as I came to a stop next to Maddox’s Bronco in a paved parking spot.
The alterations were disconcerting, as if I’d somehow missed something enormous…something important.
My heart pounded fiercely, and my hands shook, but I forced myself out of the car and to the trunk. I left my roller bag, just pulling my carry-on out. I wasn’t staying. I’d spend the night, calm my nerves, and make a new plan. I could always go back to California and either stay at the apartment or drive down the coast to Avalyn Beach with Sally and her dad. They’d accept me. Welcome me. My gut twisted at the thought. I didn’t really want to bring my shit back to them.
When I turned around, Maddox had helped his little girl out of the back of the Bronco. She danced over to me, swinging the unicorn.
“Hi! I’m Mila, and this is Chester,” she said, pointing to the stuffed animal.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Mila and Chester,” I said, trying to pull myself together and attempting my friendly doctor voice that usually calmed kids down in the ER. It was much more of a struggle than I expected, because she was beautiful. And she was his. And both those thoughts left me breathless.
Her hair was lighter than Maddox’s, her face rounder, eyes bigger, but her smile was wide and full. It hit me that she didn’t really look anything like him, but she had the gregarious friendliness that had always been Maddox’s as a child.
“I’m McKenna,” I told her belatedly.
She nodded. “Daddy told me. He said you used to be friends a long time ago.”
My eyes met Maddox’s, and he glanced away, lifting his cowboy hat, running his hand through his hair, and then replacing it. A tell as much as my tugging my ponytail had ever been. He was nervous. He didn’t want me there. He’d told me tofuckingleave and had meant it.
