Page 13 of The Last One You Loved
My heart twisted and turned not only from the flicker of Maddox that had gone through my brain but at the knowledge I was likely going to lose everything I’d worked for. I’d already given up everything once to start this future, and now, I was going to lose it, too. The pain in my gut at the thought jerked me to a stop. I leaned over, trying to catch my breath, trying to inhale, and it brought a wave of nausea with it.
Sally’s hand was on my back, rubbing soothingly.
I closed my eyes, and Layton’s fearful eyes filled my vision.
If I could only save one, I would. I had to.
I stood up, and Sally and I walked the rest of the way to our apartment while I waited for the line to be picked up by an actual human being.
When we walked in the door, my feet stalled, remembering the balloons and presents Sally had filled our apartment with this morning. My heart grew heavy. Just another crappy thing to have happened on my birthday. Maybe Mama was right. Maybe this day really was jinxed. Maybe I really was nothing but a bad omen.
? ? ?
Four hours later, I’d finished the paperwork, sent it off to Child Protective Services, and tried to pull together the personal documentation and reviews I had from my two and a half years of residency at Hearld Community Hospital. I wasn’t perfect, but I was a damn good doctor. Emergency medicine was my whole world, and I had a knack for it. That was what every report said—even asshole Gregory’s.
After I’d hung up with CPS, I’d spilled my guts to Sally, even though I wasn’t supposed to talk about the situation. But I had to tell someone. I had to feel like I wasn’t losing my damn mind. That my past wasn’t creeping in and making me see demons that weren’t there. I needed someone who believed in me.
My mind filled with an image of a wide grin and a black cowboy hat tipped down low over eyes so bright a blue you thought you’d drown in them. He’d believed in me. I could almost hear his deep voice, saying, “One hundred percent of the time, McK. I’ll always have your back.”
Belatedly, Kerry’s face came to my mind, and I wondered if he would have sided with me or Dr. Gregory. His black hair and brown eyes were completely different than the image of the man in the cowboy hat. Kerry was all dress shirts and ties and Dockers. Even in medical school, he’d been the consummate professional. We’d been engaged for three years… We’d slept together, and shared an apartment, and planned a life together, and yet his hadn’t ever been the face that had come to mind when my life was in turmoil.
That said something. Too much.
Kerry had simply been one of the many ways I’d tried to escape the memories of an ugly childhood.
But today, my past, present, and future had collided together.
The knot in my chest was so big and painful I could barely breathe around it. As I assembled my files on the coffee table, Sally watched with worried eyes.
“The first time I met you, you were crying,” she said quietly.
I shot her a glance. “Those were tears of relief and joy. Hearld had just accepted me for their residency program.”
“You were crying because that jerkwad, Kerry, had left you for a residency in Boston,” Sally countered.
How bad was it that the wound of his leaving didn’t come close to the scars of me choosing to leave Maddox? From not hearing once from Maddox after I’d caved to Kerry’s ultimatum and told him to stop calling. It should have been a sign. I should have known that it wouldn’t work when Kerry hadn’t trusted me…had placed demands he knew would cause me heartache.
But I’d wanted so badly the life I’d envisioned with him?two well-respected doctors, hands held at the charity drives, serving a community. I’d had delusional images of his pediatric-surgeon father and psychologist mother looking over at us with pride when, in truth, they’d never been anything but tolerably polite to the girl who’d never been wanted.
Except, that wasn’t completely true. Maddox had always wanted me.
His family had also.
Pain twisted and groaned inside me, but I just buried it.
“Technically, he didn’t leave me. He wanted me to go with him,” I told her.
“And not start your residency for another year!”
“It wasn’t his fault I hadn’t applied in Boston. I knew he had. I just assumed he’d take the Davis position over the Boston one if he was accepted to both.”
“And not join his family’s legacy in Boston?” she scoffed.
“I thought we were starting our own legacy,” I said quietly, and there was the pain, the warped feeling of rejection. “Is there a reason you’re reminding me of this now?”
“I’m more worried about you today than I was then. You’re not crying or ranting and raving, but this… It’s worse, McK.”
I swallowed hard, shoving my toes into the carpet and tugging on my ponytail. “I know.”
