Page 42 of The Last One You Loved
EVEN IF I WANTED TO
“Every night, I try to justify.
All the angry things I said.
Oh, but I can't take ‘em back.”
Performed by Jason Aldean
Written by Rich / Clawson / McGehee
Even after Ryderhad talked me down last night, McKenna’s forceful denial did nothing but spark panic, sending it rushing through my veins. I needed her to leave before the teeny voice at the back of my brain screaming how glad I was to see her, how having McKenna in Willow Creek was like a dream come true, got the better of me. Because what would the dream cost me?
She lifted her chin defiantly, as if my lack of response was a challenge.
I’d somehow forgotten how damn stubborn she was. As a teen, I’d begged and pleaded for her to report her mama, just walk out of the duplex and never go back. I’d promised her she’d have a place to stay with me and my family, but she’d refused. Sybil had done a number on her head, instilling not only fear but also making McKenna feel like she was a burden. McK had never wanted to bring the heavy weight of her existence onto my family.
My feet and legs were tangled with hers on the narrow stools, and the touch coasted through me like a lit fuse, growing and racing along the wick. Every nerve ending came alive, and it pissed me off almost as much as her showing up in Willow Creek had, because I didn’t want my damn body to remember what it felt like to be wrapped in her embrace. I didn’t want McKenna to be the only one who I’d ever felt this overwhelming sense of desire for. It was so strong that, even now, hurt and panicked and needing her to leave, I still wanted to push my lips against hers and remind her just how much we’d always fit.
“It’s selfish,” I grunted out, tipping my hat back so I could meet her eyes with mine from under its brim.
“Excuse me?” she demanded as her eyes flashed with annoyance.
“Wanting to get to know her. It’s selfish,” I said, keeping my voice low so our conversation wouldn’t be broadcast on the gossip line again.
“Exactly how is it selfish? I’m simply asking to get to know my sister.”
How could she not see what the simple request would do to Mila? How knowing McKenna, loving McKenna, and then losing her would destroy her tiny little heart? I wouldn’t let anyone hurt my daughter, especially not McKenna, who was brutally good at it.
“It’s selfish,” I explained, trying to hold back the protective growl I felt growing inside me. “Because it’s all about you and has nothing to do with her. We both know that as soon as you’ve done whatever the hell you’re here to do, you’ll go back to California. You’ll always choose what you want over what’s best for her. I’m not going to let you fly in and out of her life, taking pieces of her whenever you leave. She’s my daughter, and I damn well have the right to protect her from everything that will hurt her, including you.”
She looked away, toes bouncing on the footrest, finger rubbing along a seam in the lacquered countertop, before she looked up at me with eyes so sad and aching it stole my breath. She said quietly, “There may be nothing left for me in California.”
My heart stuttered to a stop.
I wasn’t sure I could handle even the slightest twinge of hope that McKenna was here for good. My brain and body spiraled, longing and wishes I’d tried to bury unfurling but were cut short by a calm coming over her face and words contradicting her last ones.
“That was stupid. I’m sure I’ll be back. I have a little under a year left on my residency.” The way she talked was as if she was trying to convince herself as much as me. It pissed me off. The ridiculous flare of hope I’d felt. The fucking stupid desire I still felt. The fear I had for me and Mila and the family I’d built.
I stood abruptly, and it made her tip on the stool because our legs had been tangled. She caught herself on the counter, looking up at me with shock.
“Then go. Go now before you do what you’re good at and hurt the people who actually care about you.”
I didn’t wait for a response. I didn’t wait for Tillie to come back with my breakfast and another warning. I just headed for the door, ignoring the looks and the “Morning, Sheriff” greetings tossed my way.
The bell jangled as I slammed the door behind me. I looked up at the sky, inhaling the brittle, cold air that had settled down after the storm. In my head and heart, the storm was still raging.
“You’re not applyingto any schools in Tennessee?” Shock and waves of fear hit me as I looked up from the laptop where McKenna was clicking away at the form the counselor had given us. It was the fall of our junior year, and we were supposed to list the top three schools we hoped to get into and another three we thought were a sure thing.
“What would be the point?” she asked.
My heart cracked a little.
I pulled her hands from the computer, turning her to face me. We were working on my bed with the bedroom door open as Mama had demanded for as long as I could remember in the rare moments when we got to have McK at the ranch. It was in these fleeting hours with her that my dad had taught her to ride, I’d taught her to fish, Mama had taught her to cook, and Ryder had taught her how to rib a sibling perfectly. And now that I had my license and was close to getting the car I’d saved up for, I’d been hoping to escape them all so we could teach each other a few more things.
“Mck…I don’t want…I can’t imagine…” I’d never even fucking kissed her. I’d waited too long. Ryder was right. He’d harassed me about McKenna for at least a year now. “Shit or get off the pot,” he’d said.
At first, I’d been terrified that if I tried to change our friendship into something more, and she didn’t feel the same way I did, it would ruin what we had. And then, I’d wanted to make it perfect when it did happen. At the lake, on our own, with just us and the stars. But now, if I let her leave without kissing her…without ever telling her how much I wanted her to stay, it might end in something even more frightening than her rejecting me. It might end with McKenna disappearing from my life altogether. That thought made the crack in my heart almost splinter completely, pain shooting through me.
