Page 79 of Tripped By Love
“I’ll take you any way I can have you. But I won’t take you and give you back. That’s the line I draw.” It hurt to say the words, knowing that I could have shut my mouth and spent three nights in heaven with her, gliding together like we were meant to be. But I also knew myself well enough to know I’d never be able to walk away from her after. I couldn’t go back to being her workout coach and her brother’s bodyguard. I had to be hers. The man she was with or nothing at all. Even if being that man meant only having moments of her time. Even if I didn’t deserve to even have those scattered seconds.
My heart was pounding in my chest. Loud and strong. Adrenaline filling it as much as it had the night I’d watched the members of my unit leave the barracks full of snide remarks and jostling each other’s arms. I’d realized it as a life-changing moment, but I’d chosen to ignore it. This was the same way. Life-changing. All in or all out.
“Marco…” her voice cracked. Tears filled her eyes, and I hated myself, wanting to take back what I’d said at the same time I knew I’d say them all over again if I had to.
I let her go slowly, making sure she was stable, and said, “What we are right now isn’t going to change if you choose two rooms. We will always be this?friends. People who care about each other. I’m not going to stop working out with you, or finding out what that asshole Hardy is up to, or see you less than I do now. But if you choose one room, itwillchange us.”
I walked away, leaving her standing in the glow of the streetlight, letting her consider everything I’d said. It was shitty in many ways. To put this on her when she already had so much weighing her down. Chevelle and Clayton, paying Brady back, Lance Ralley and Earth Paradise. I wanted to strip it all away. Make her forget everything but how good she could feel in my arms with my lips on hers, with our bodies tangled. But I knew the truth. I couldn’t go back if we stepped into that space together, and she needed to decide if she could live with that…with me.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t had one- or two-night stands before. I knew how and when to get the release I needed. How to make sure my partner got more than the release they sought. I’d just never wanted more than that with anyone. But then, I’d never wanted someone like I wanted Cassidy.
The automatic lobby doors glided open, and I scanned the area. The music was low and unassuming, and there was a kid barely older than Jonas behind the reception desk. Instead of going there, I made my way to the lounge where a few people sat at tables in front of a bar. I threw my bag at the base of a stool as I slid onto it and ordered a beer. It had been a long time since I’d had a drink. Months. I’d celebrated with Brady after he’d told everyone the news that he was going to be a dad, and that had been a single glass of champagne.
I heard the lobby doors slide open behind me, and I knew without even looking up that Cassidy had walked in. I heard the suitcase rolling across the tile floor, heard the clerk greet her and her soft voice returning his, althoughI couldn’t hear the words.
I’d just tipped the beer up to my lips when she joined me.
She wasn’t smiling, and just that simple fact made my heart twist. When my glance landed on her hands, it felt like a knife had been sliced down my insides. She had two envelopes. Two sets of keys. Two rooms.
Her hand shook as she laid one of them on the bar top. Her eyes met mine, sadness in them. “I…I want to say yes to all of that. But it wouldn’t be fair.”
She turned away, and her voice got even quieter. “Goodnight, Marco.”
She walked toward the elevator, pulling her suitcase behind her, and I watched before downing the beer, hoping it would put out the flames of desire and hurt and heartache. Hoping it would allow me to forget what could have been if I’d allowed myself to let go of my beliefs for one single night. But I couldn’t. Not ever again.
???
The alarm on my phone went off, and I groaned. My head was throbbing, and my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth like it had been glued there. Last night, I’d chased that single beer with half a dozen shots of whiskey before heading up to a room with a king-sized bed and no Cassidy. I’d stumbled out of my clothes and lay on the bed in my briefs, wishing I’d been wearing nothing and had pale skin lined up against mine.
Now, I had to get my ass out of the bed, into the shower, and meet her in the lobby to take her to Earth Paradise, all the while hiding the rips in my soul she’d made. I couldn’t blame her. I’d made an unfair demand. All or nothing when we’d barely shared a handful of kisses. It had been ridiculous.
I groaned again. The room blurred as I sat up. I fought through the haze, dragged my body from the bed, and headed for the bathroom. I turned the shower on cold, stepping in and staying there until my body was shivering and my teeth were chattering, but the walls were clear, and the throbbing in my head had receded.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw deep shadows under my eyes. On a good night, I was lucky to get four or five hours of sleep, and even though I’d had more the night before, the alcohol had ensured it was restless. I went to shave and realized I’d forgotten my shaver in Grand Orchard. The dark stubble made me look unkempt and only accentuated the dark layers from my disturbed night.
I dressed, laced my boots, and found my way down to the lobby and the coffee I knew I’d find there. What I really needed was something greasy or spicy to nip at the hangover still trying to pull me under, but food would have to wait.
My phone buzzed.
ANGEL: Are you awake? I knocked on your door.
ME: I’m downstairs getting coffee. Can I get you one?
ANGEL: Thank you, but I made one in the room. I’ll be down in a few.
I leaned against a pillar, sipping the coffee, one hand in my pocket, while I watched the bank of elevators. Eventually, the doors slid open to reveal Cassidy. She was in a stunning pink dress I’d never seen her in before—high-waisted with a band that landed just below her breasts and emphasized their shape before flaring out softly over her hips to land midthigh. Her long legs were on display in a way she rarely showed them except when she was in workout gear. Her feet were hidden in nude ballet slippers with rosebuds along the toes. Feminine and floral, just like Cassidy always was, but she’d layered a blazer over the dress, so she looked much more business-like and older than I’d ever seen her appear. Her hair was partially up, highlighting her high cheekbones and drawing attention to her eyes, but the rest still spilled down her back in long waves. She was so beautiful it almost broke my already torn and battered heart.
My gaze stalled on the shadows below her lashes. She hadn’t slept either. If I’d taken her up on her offer, we’d likely have had the same look but for a very different reason.
She joined me with a small smile.
I’d told her nothing would change if she chose to get two room keys instead of one. I’d promised her that, and I’d do everything I could to hide the disappointment I felt.
“Morning, Angel.”
Surprise flickered across her face, as if she’d expected me to stop calling her Angel because of what had happened.
“You look tired,” she said, eyes raking down my body and taking in my standard apparel of a black T-shirt, black pants, and black military boots.
“I can’t say the same for you. You look…gorgeous,” I told her. It wasn’t a lie. While she did look tired, her beauty outshone it.
Her lips lifted slightly. “Thanks. I’m nervous. About meeting Ralley on his turf. It makes it more real somehow.”
I wanted to pull her into my arms, kiss her soft lips, and reassure her that everything was going to be fine. If we’d spent the night tangled together, I would have been able to do that. I would have been able to slide my hand into hers and hold it as we walked out of the lobby and toward the rental car. But instead, we were silent, making our way shoulder to shoulder but not touching.
I punched in the address of Earth Paradise into the navigation system, and we headed in that direction with regret hanging in the air between us. Hers. Mine. Ours. And I suddenly realized I wasn’t going to be able to keep my promise to her. Things had changed almost as much as they would have changed if we’d spent the night together, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it now.
