Page 68 of Tripped By Love
Cassidy
I DO
“I just wanna love you when you’re not enough
I just wanna give you all that I can give.”
Written & Performed by Susie Suh
I fell into bed that night,exhausted in every single part of me. My emotions had drained me more than the physical challenges of my day. Even ending it by working out side by side with Marco hadn’t brought me the peace it normally did. The entire time he was there, glistening as his muscles flexed and bent, my body had longed to lose myself in him, to forget everything in my world that felt like it was about to tip over. So, the strain of holding back had only added to my fatigue.
As tired as I was, my brain still wouldn’t shut off. Memories of Marco’s sweetness with Chevelle and me bounced about in my memories. The tenderness of those images dissolved into hatred as I thought about what Clayton was putting me through. I disliked feeling the hate almost as much as I disliked the man himself. I’d never allowed animosity to guide my life, not even when kids had teased me growing up about my awkwardness, or being tall, or struggling with my grades.
When I finally fell asleep, it was uneasy and restless.
I woke almost as tired as I’d been before I’d closed my eyes.
To my surprise, Mom didn’t mention how I looked when she came over at five. She just hugged me, told me to have a good day, and settled with a book and the baby monitor on the couch, waiting for Chevelle to stir.
I headed to the restaurant, mind filling with all the things I needed to do before the trip to Texas the next day. I grimaced as I realized that at least the DNA test and Marco’s revelations about Clayton being married had kept me from obsessing over everything that could go wrong with me leaving Grand Orchard for a few days.
I really didn’t need to worry, though. Cliff and Willow were stepping in to cover my absence, and they knew the recipes and the management of the restaurant almost as well as I did. Willow was actually better at managing the front and the customers than I was. I didn’t know what I’d do when she graduated in the fall and left to find work somewhere else. I couldn’t think of that on top of everything else that had piled on me at the moment.
Instead, I spent the day prepping as many food items as I could, checking all the orders for the week, and creating long lists of reminders for Cliff and Willow. As the day ended and I moved on to preparing more bread when I’d normally be leaving, Willow grabbed my hand and said, “Enough already. We’ve got this. Go on your trip. Try to relax and maybe actually have some fun. You haven’t been away from this place in two years.”
She was right, but leaving the restaurant was harder than I’d thought it would be. Guilt filled me more than anything else. As if I was letting Brady down by stepping away. But the dread I felt about leaving the café was nothing compared to what I felt at the thought of leaving Chevelle. I hadn’t spent one night away from my boy. Not one. My heart and throat seized.
As the three of us left the café, I said, almost to myself, “Maybe I shouldn’t go.”
Cliff’s large hand landed on my shoulder, and I looked up to see his face twitching with humor. “Go, Cassidy. I’ve never burnt a joint down yet and don’t plan on starting now.”
“That isn’t even funny,” I told him but couldn’t resist the smile I gave him back.
They headed off to their cars, and I wasn’t even surprised when I found Marco stepping out of the studio to join me on the walk home.
“You’re nervous about leaving it,” he said quietly. I didn’t know if I loved it or hated it that he read me so easily.
I nodded, even though it hadn’t been a question.
“Because you don’t trust them?” he asked.
Our shoulders brushed as we walked, and the heady sense of awareness filled me, pushing at the wariness I’d felt and replacing it with a different kind of ache.
“No, I completely trust them. Honestly, Cliff has years more experience than me, and Willow knows the café in and out. I just…I feel like I asked for all this, and Brady graciously handed it to me, and now…”
“You feel like you’re walking away from your responsibility.”
“Yes. But that makes it sound like I don’t love it,” I said quietly, and I shoved the little voice deep inside that wondered if that were true. “Or that I’m ungrateful.”
Marco scoffed.
“I know,” I said with a wry smile and shrug. “I think I’m just tired. I’ll probably skip our workout tonight.”
It felt like I’d skipped more workouts in a month than in two years. When I glanced at him to see if he’d object, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed as he nodded. “Probably a good idea. Get some rest. It’s going to be a long couple of days.”
The reality of it finally hit me. I was going to Texas…with Marco. We were going to be alone together for several days. In planes and cars and hotels. I flushed, thinking of it. I’d booked two rooms at the hotel, but I’d be lying to myself if my mind hadn’t wondered what it would be like if we only had one.
We turned the corner of our street and found Jonas sitting on the steps of my parents’ place. His elbows rested on his knees, and his fingers were laced behind his head with his eyes trained on the ground. He looked devastated and so not the Jonas he’d become over the last few weeks that the difference was startling. He looked like I’d felt yesterday. Sad and angry and a little bit lost.
