Page 38 of In Her Dreams
Margaret fidgeted with the corner of her book.“Day by day, like they say.I’m working through Step 8 now.”She gave a humorless laugh.“Making a list of all the people I’ve harmed and becoming willing to make amends.It’s...uncomfortable.”
“I can imagine,” Jenna said, though in truth, she knew she couldn’t fully comprehend the emotional weight of such an exercise.
“You’re at the top of my list, you know,” Margaret said, her voice barely above a whisper.“You’re going to be hearing a lot from me when I get to Step 9.”
Jenna leaned forward, elbows on her knees.“Mom, you’re making amends to me every day you stay sober.”
Margaret chuckled, the sound rough around the edges.“I wish it were that simple, honey.The program says we have to actually articulate the harm we’ve done, acknowledge it specifically.”She met Jenna’s eyes with a raw vulnerability that made Jenna’s chest ache.“I’ve been practicing what I’ll say to you.Been practicing for weeks now, actually.”
“Mom—”
“No, let me finish.This is important.”Margaret drew a steadying breath.“I wasn’t there for you after Piper disappeared.Not really.I was there physically, but I checked out emotionally.And then after your father died...”She shook her head.“Well, we both know I checked out completely then.”
The silence that followed felt heavy with years of unspoken pain.
“I know it can’t be easy,” Jenna finally said.“The fact that you’re doing it at all means so, so much.”
Margaret smiled faintly.“That’s what Zeke says too.”
“Speaking of Zeke,” Jenna said, seizing the opportunity to shift the conversation to less painful ground, “he seems to be around a lot these days.”
A flicker of something—defensiveness?embarrassment?—crossed Margaret’s face.“He’s my sponsor.We meet regularly to discuss my progress.”
“Mmhmm,” Jenna hummed noncommittally.Her investigative instincts, honed over years of law enforcement, picked up on the slight flush that colored her mother’s cheeks.“Is that all he is?Just your sponsor?”
“Jenna Marie Graves,” Margaret said with exasperation that couldn’t quite mask her amusement.“Are you interrogating me about my love life?Because I assure you, there’s nothing to report.”
“So you’re saying if there was something to report, you would tell me?”Jenna pressed, a smile tugging at her lips.
Margaret shook her head, but there was fondness in her expression.“The program strongly discourages romantic relationships during early recovery, especially between sponsors and sponsees.It’s an ethical boundary that neither of us would cross.”
“But if it wasn’t for that...?”Jenna let the question hang.
“Then that would be my business,” Margaret replied firmly, but without heat.She adjusted her position in the chair, wincing slightly.“Anyway, enough about my non-existent romantic prospects.What about you and that deputy of yours?”
“Jake?”Jenna blinked, caught off guard by the sudden shift in focus.“He’s not ‘my’ deputy, Mom.He works for the department.”
“Mmm.”Margaret raised an eyebrow.“You barely mention anyone else from work, but Jake’s name comes up in every conversation.And I’ve only met him a handful of times, but I’ve seen how he looks at you.”
“You’ve barely spoken to him,” Jenna protested.
“I don’t need to speak to him to see it,” Margaret countered.“It’s written all over his face whenever you’re in the room.And frankly, it’s in your voice whenever you talk about him.”
Jenna felt heat rising to her cheeks.“It’s complicated.”
“Life is complicated,” Margaret said, leaning forward slightly.“That doesn’t mean you should put it on hold.I know—” Her voice caught, and she cleared her throat before continuing.“I know that Piper’s disappearance changed everything for you.For both of us.But honey, you can’t keep living for the day she might come back.”
“I’m not—” Jenna began automatically, then stopped herself.Wasn’t she?Hadn’t she been holding a piece of herself in reserve all these years, as if fully embracing her own life would somehow be a betrayal of her missing twin?
“You are,” Margaret said gently.“And I understand it.God knows I’ve done the same thing.But at some point, you have to decide to really live, not just exist.I’m trying to do that now, and it’s terrifying.But it’s also...necessary.”
The rawness in her mother’s voice created a moment of profound connection between them.For the first time in years—perhaps since before Piper’s disappearance—Jenna felt like she was truly seeing her mother, not just the grief or the addiction that had consumed her.
“I’ll think about it,” Jenna said, meaning it.
Margaret nodded, apparently satisfied.“That’s all I ask.”
They spoke for a while longer about safer topics—Margaret’s newfound interest in gardening, the book club she was considering joining at the library, Jenna’s plans to replace the aging roof on her own small house.The conversation flowed more easily than it had in years, though the undercurrent of deeper emotions remained.
