Page 24 of Fake-Off with Fate
I step out with an abundance of trepidation, all the while looking around for signs of trouble. Luckily, we appear to be alone. “If you just get me to the door, I’ll be fine,” I tell her. Ashlyn tries to hide her amusement, but she’s not successful. “I realize how unmanly I must appear,” I say.
“Just a little,” she responds. “But I get it. This is unfamiliar territory. Once you get used to it though, you’ll be fine.”
“If you say so.”
As soon as we reach the porch, I unlock the door. I’m about to say goodnight to her when I hear a loud rustling sound coming from the side of the house. That’s when I spot the papa bear. He’s standing on his hind legs again, and he’s definitely looking for trouble.
Without thought, I let out the most ridiculously shrill scream. The bear takes a step back which gives me the courage to move. I open the door and push Ashlyn inside. Then I slam it shut before turning to see if she’s okay. If her laughter is anything to go on, she’s just fine.
“That scream …” she starts hiccupping in what I can only assume is vast amusement at my expense.
“In my defense,” I tell her, “Dale told me to make a loud noise to scare bears away.”
Tears start to stream down her face. “It’s just … you know …” She doubles over like the sheer act of standing is too much for her.
Putting my hands on my hips, I declare, “I’m aware that didn’t sound very masculine.” She shakes her head from side to side, so I add, “I sounded like a little girl.”
She starts to answer but instead releases more laughter. Shefinally manages, “Not one little girl. More like … more like …” I wait patiently for the coming insult. “Twelve!”
I spread my arms wide to create the biggest space I can. “It was huge!”
“It probably wasn’t any taller than you are,” she says, her face still contorted by hilarity.
“It was a bear, Ashlyn,” I tell her. “If it was a mugger holding a gun, I would have karate chopped the weapon out of his hand before putting him in a choke hold. Then I would have tied him up with his own shoelaces and escorted him to the nearest police station.”Take that, doubter of my manhood.She’s sniffling like she’s trying to hold back a fresh wave of tears, which is really starting to tick me off.
“Is that right?” she asks in a manner best described asmocking.
“I’m a six-foot three, two hundred pound, highly toned professional athlete,” I tell her. “So yes, that’s right.”
“Would you like me to show you how to deal with bears?” she asks.
“Not if you have to go outside, no.” As much as I’m ticked off at her, I don’t want to see her get torn to shreds.
“I’m not going to stay here,” she tells me, as though my plan all along was to lure her to my den.
“Well, not forever certainly, but at least until danger passes.”
Ashlyn reaches for the doorknob. On instinct, I hurry to stop her but end up placing my hand over hers. I immediately regret doing that. Her skin is so soft it’s like touching silk. “Please don’t go, yet. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“You don’t have to worry, Jamie,” she tells me. “I grew up here. I know what I’m doing.”
And then to my absolute horror, she walks out onto the deck. I should go with her, but I don’t. Instead, I keep the door open a crack, all the while hiding behind it and praying she doesn’t get hurt.
Ashlyn looks to the left where the bear is still standing. She immediately turns away and tells me, “Do not make direct eye contact for an extended period. They will take that as a challenge.” Even though I’ve heard this from multiple sources, it’s a bit difficult not to want to discern a bear’s intentions in real time.
Walking down the stairs toward her car, Ashlyn calls out, “Always move away from the bear. They’re more afraid of you than you are of them.” She suddenly stops in her tracks and starts convulsing with laughter. Again.
“I know what you’re thinking,” I tell her. “You’re thinking that I’m definitely more afraid than he is.” She nods her head up and down to confirm my suspicions.
She finally starts moving again, and once she gets to her car, she turns back to me. “You see how easy that was?”
I point to my right. “There’s the baby. Do you still feel safe?”
“So long as I don’t go over to it,” she says, “I’m fine.” Then she teases, “But I really want to pick him up.”
“Ashlyn …”
“I’m not an idiot, Jamie. Just remember walk away from the bear, don’t run, don’t make eye contact …”
