Page 44 of Fake-Off with Fate
Phillip, I’m on my way into the office. Will you please put on a fresh pot of coffee and make sure to have a cup on my desk waiting for me?
Phillip
Yes, sir! I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to come into work. The town really needs you!
Mayor Thompkins
Are you in the office now?
Phillip
I’m in the parking lot, sir. I’m waiting to greet you.
That slimy little slug of a sneak. I know he isn’t there to greet my dad. He’s trying to keep me from parking in my dad’s spot.
Mayor Thompkins
Hurry along inside, Phillip. My head hurts and I need my caffeine fix.
My dad’s morning caffeine fix is something he talks about often, so I’m pretty sure his assistant will do as he’s told.
Pulling back out onto the street, I turn into the parking lot. Sure, enough, I see the backside of Phillip walking into Town Hall. I hurry to pull into my dad’s space. Once I’m out of the car, I text Phillip again.
Mayor Thompkins
Phillip, I forgot a stack of papers in the front seat of my car. Can you please bring those in for me?
Phillip
Yes, sir!
I hide behind a bush long enough for Phillip to leave the building again, and then while his back is turned, I rush to the elevator, which is where I am when he next texts.
Phillip
There are no papers in your car, sir.
Mayor Thompkins
Shoot. I’ll text Ashlyn and ask her to bring them in with her. Sorry to bother you.
Phillip
No bother. I’m on my way up, sir. I’m looking forward to seeing you.
I hurry into my dad’s office and open the door to his private bathroom—which is a pretty darn fancy feature for a small-town mayor’s office. I prop his favorite toy onto the counter before shutting the door.
Within moments, Phillip barges into the office. He looks positively wild-eyed when he sees me instead of my dad. “What are you doing here?” he demands.
“What’s it to you?”
“Your father said you were still at home. I just talked to him.” Again, with the “I just talked to him.” Does this moron know that talking and texting are two very different animals?
“I left before he did,” I tell him. “I wasn’t sure he was feeling up to coming in.” Pointing at the bathroom door, I add, “And sure enough, I think it was too soon.”
I hit the button on the toy’s remote that I’m holding underthe desk. The resulting sound is so funny it’s all I can do not to burst into laughter. One short toot is followed by a cluster and then a long, rattling chain of flatulence.
Phillip stops short in front of the door like he’s afraid a bomb might go off. Then he yells out, “Sir, are you okay?”
